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In a mess

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In a mess

Postby TonySG » Thu Aug 15, 2019 9:11 am

Hi
Well this is going to be tough. I am a 38-year-old single male. Very little has gone my way in this life. I have been a self-help/spiritual junkie for about 10 years thats really the only thing I can tell you about my life. I have constantly been working on myself with the belief everything will get better. I have only now realized that in these 10 years very little in my life has actually changed. Sometimes I tend to feel better because of the amount of meditation I do but I life is misery and stuck. Like it always has been.

I have always struggled with life and myself. Since I was as young I can remember I was always the quietest kid. As I grew up, I just didn't feel like I fitted in anywhere. I would have anxiety over the littlest things and did some really bad things. Throughout my 20s and 30s, I have done some very shameful acts. The only explanation for the things I have done is that I must be full of guilt and shame. I don't understand what else would propel me to do such things?!

The sad thing is, that I am only realizing the extent of the things I have done. I think I have been living beyond a persona/mask I developed to help me feel safe in an overwhelming world. But now I have discovered I am riddled with guilt and shame over my past. I have no idea what to do?! Yesterday, during a meditation I went into these feelings for the first time. It was almost unbearable. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out of them. But what scares me, is that I feel like I have to work through and undo this guilt and shame. But there is so much of it, I don't know if I could ever work through it all. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse. I have been estranged from myself my whole life and I can't see a way out.

How do I process these heavy feelings?
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Re: In a mess

Postby sprock » Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:08 pm

This are tricky and heavy existential questions... you might find that joining a community helps you face this stuff... I don't know which country you live in, but maybe a Buddhist centre or a liberal, compatibilist Church denomination like the Unitarians. Some would recommend paying out for a (legal) Ayahuasca trip, though personally I think there's always a real risk of cultural appropriation and you'd have to go in with the right mind-set. The experience itself would likely be very intense and draining also, but some have found it very purging and curative. Obviously, tread lightly - not something everyone should do by any means.

Personally I've found just as much solace and healing from reading and occasionally films as I have meditation, but I think that one has to feel out the kind of books that'll help. I do think fiction can offer things than non-fiction can't however.
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