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Overwhelmed

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Overwhelmed

Postby NeverHadAChance » Thu Jul 11, 2019 6:51 pm

This is my second post. I'm still haunted by my terrible actions from when I was 14 or 15 and it's starting to overwhelm me again.

I'm developing a deep malaise and permanent migraine because I can't find any way to overcome this.

Mostly I am torn. I'm beating myself up 24/7 because I hold myself responsible. But I feel like it would have taken so little to prevent me from behaving that way. I keep asking myself, why did everyone abandon me? "Hey, NeverHadAChance, you should know (x) behavior is not appropriate." That's literally all it would have taken. 1 sentence and no incidents would have occurred. So why did nobody take 2 seconds out of their lives to teach me? My parents abused me. My teachers abused me. My peers abused me. Not a single person, over all those years, ever spared the 2 to 20 seconds of their time that I needed.

I tried procuring help because I wasn't getting it. I said hey, I don't understand. Hey, I am worried about some things. Hey! Please help me! But I was simply avoided. And later punished for insisting.

If you see someone heading towards a cliff, you should speak out and say "hey, watch out, you're going in the wrong direction." Triply so if it's your parents who see you. But nobody intervened for me. They let me fall off the cliff. Actually it's even worse, they took the time to abuse me before I fell off, for good measure. The teachers taught half baked knowledge about puberty and sex. As they say, a little knowledge is worse than no knowledge. And my peers kept taunting me, relentlessly, for being a "prude" because I initially wasn't so interested in sexual activity.

By that same neglect, I had developed a crippling illness but was forbidden from seeking treatment beyond just 1 doctor's visit which failed to identify the problem. Teachers had an abusive judgmental kind of smirk when dealing with me. They could practically smell my weakness and I could intuitively read disgust and perhaps even sadism on their faces when they would speak to me.

My home life consisted of being bullied 24/7 by my mother and brother, separately. The former had a short fuse and knives would come out. Or if we were in a car, she'd threaten to drive us all into a wall. The latter, my brother, was sadistic and never, ever relented if he realized he was bothering you. He'd scale it up for fun and mock you as you snapped after 12 hours of relentless bullying. My father threatened me for reporting any of this, effectively shooting the messenger for the crime of disturbing him in any way.

So I find myself not only blaming myself. I am extremely remorseful. But I have to add to the roster of blame everybody who was around me, who was all too happy to watch me as I naively went down the wrong path.

And still I ask myself all the time, if it's only luck that made me not go so far as to land in jail... Then I deserve to be in jail. I didn't "earn" it, it was just lucky that I didn't do something worse. I am afraid that I easily could have.

So where does this all leave me? Nowhere, that's where. It's all been and continues to be so relentless, I can't catch my breath. I am being chased by the remorse, forever. Will I ever have the chance to be my true self now? I don't know if it's too late.
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Re: Overwhelmed

Postby sofiaa1212 » Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:24 pm

I'm sorry about what you've been through. You were pretty young when you did these things though (14 and 15), and you say no one really told you it was wrong. So you were a little naive about it. I think you should forgive yourself. You know what you did was wrong, and you aren't going to do it again. We all make mistakes.
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