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Please please help, did I abuse my brother?

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Please please help, did I abuse my brother?

Postby Whyamithewayiam » Wed Apr 10, 2019 8:12 pm

Hi everyone. This is my first post here and I really wish it was anything but this, but here I am. This will probably get kind of long and lengthy but I feel like I have to elaborate a lot for you to understand me.

Okay, so basically when I was like 11-12 (maybe 13? I can't really remember) my younger brother and I used to do this sort of...roleplay-ish thing, where we'd act out funny skits while pretending to be some of our favorite fictional characters. My brother is 3 years younger than me, so that would make him around i guess 8-9ish when this happened. Before I continue, I just want to make clear a few things:

1. Even though i say roleplay, we didn't in any way physically act anything out. Mostly, we just narrated actions. (e.g. if a character threw a ball, we wouldn't physically mime throwing a ball; we'd literally say: "(Character name) throws the ball" or smtg like that)

2. I did not physically touch my brother in any way, nor did I coerce him to touch me. In addition, our clothes were 100% on at all times during roleplays.

Alright, so continuing: most of the time the content of these roleplays were completely innocent - mostly it just featured us taking our characters on adventures or weird journeys or whatever. However, now that I look back on it, I think there were a handful of times where the content steeped into...some inappropriate territory, now that I look back on it. I don't remember all of it, but here are two of the most worrying that I do remember:

- I think for one of our roleplay sessions, we introduced an older man character that was...well, he was basically the 'perverted old man' trope from anime who'd get nosebleeds when he saw a sexier lady. I think we even had him take compromising pictures??? I have no idea whose idea it was to insert him there because my memory is really fuzzy. I think that we might've been influenced by the anime we saw at the time (hence the trope), because I don't think I got aroused at all by it?? Both of us thought it was funny, for some reason??? (maybe because animes we saw mostly played it off as comedic) Also, just to reiterate, we did NOT act anything out physically; both of our clothes stayed on 100%, no touching in any way was going on. But it was still super inappropriate for my age, and ESPECIALLY my brother's at the time.

- this one...I'm really ashamed of, mostly because I know 100% that it was my idea. Basically, I had a fictional character that I roleplayed (me, not my brother) that I kind of had a crush on, I think? I think I might've been physically attracted to him as well, though I didn't know it at the time. So...basically, in this particular role-play scene, I described a scenario that this character...well, basically he got drunk and was convinced by another character (which I also roleplayed, not my brother) to take his clothes off. It ashames me to even say it. Again, no physical acting at all, neither me nor my brother took our clothes off. But I think I actually got a bit aroused by the thought??? Though I don't think I knew what the sensation was, at the time - I think I just knew that I 'liked' the thought of that fictional character (which was an adult) shirtless or without his clothes on, or even in sexual situations. Anyway, my brother wasn't really involved in the scene at all (I roleplayed both characters). The characters he roleplayed swooped in, stopped it, and that was the end of that I think.

What's scaring me more is that I remember liking this scenario so much that I think I wanted to do it again??? I remember that the night after this one (we normally did these roleplay scenarios at night, right before we slept 'cause we shared a room) I actually told my brother that we were going to do a 'sequel' of sorts to it, but then I think he kind of cried and said that he had "another story idea planned" (or smtg like that?) that he wanted to do instead. I think I conceded in the end and we went with his idea, but I'm not sure??? Did I force my brother to go ahead with my (vaguely sexual) scenario instead??? I know one time I convinced my brother to do a skit that he wasn't really interested in (though this one wasn't sexual at all, and he didn't really cry or anything; just expressed his disinterest) so would I have been capable of it???

Looking back on this now, I realize that these scenarios really were not appropriate; especially for someone as young as my brother was at that time. I'm currently 19 (F) and my brother around 16 and we've had a really close sibling relationship throughout the years. Sometimes my brother even reminisces about the roleplaying we did back then with this sort of fondness, so it doesn't seem like it really affected him that much??? He's great at school and doesn't seem to be suffering much, but ever since I remembered those scenarios (and maybe more that I forgot???) I've been terrified that it counts as some sort of abuse. I did ask him if he was okay and he said yes and that he doesn't even remember some of the stuff I described above, but that doesn't really help me because don't some sexual abuse victims not remember it?? Especially if they're super young?? I feel so guilty and horrible. I was the older sibling; I should have known better. I don't even know if its sexual experimentation or anything because I think some part of me knew it was a little inappropriate back then, but for some reason I just wrote it off as funny? I don't even know anymore. I actually broke down and confessed to my dad (though I only gave him a vague description cause I was ashamed) and he literally told me I was getting anxious over nothing and worrying about things that have already passed. But I'm still scared. I love my brother. I want the world for him. I couldn't be able to live with myself if he suffered long term effects because of this.

I don't know if I'm imagining things but I feel things have gotten awkward between us since then. He still talks to me and jokes with me and stuff, but I don't know, I just feel a weird atmosphere around us now. I keep getting these thoughts that one day he'll remember all those scenarios and think I'm disgusting, and I honestly won't be able to blame him. Please. Give me an answer. I know what I did was inappropriate, but was it abusive? Did I hurt my brother?? :cry:
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Re: Please please help, did I abuse my brother?

Postby Snaga » Sun Apr 14, 2019 6:06 pm

Hello there. I think... that you were kids being kids, and you should let this go. I seriously don't think this is anything to worry over.
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Re: Please please help, did I abuse my brother?

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Apr 16, 2019 5:54 am

far too many people seem to be getting fixated on things that are entirely trivial. i do wonder why. i half suspect it's all the preservatives in food. everyone makes mistakes in life. they're unavoidable, especially the hindsight variety. beating ourselves up over them endlessly serves no other purpose than to prevent us living the rest of our lives to the full.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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