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Regrets of life

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Regrets of life

Postby howitbegan » Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:44 pm

When i was 12-13 my mother was an alcoholic, however she was a great mom.

My mom had always been different, she was never really fitting for this world as she described it in her diary which we later found, these diaries she had been writing since the age of 16 in which she often described her difficulties in life and her challenges with life in general and just not fitting in.

Fastfoward to when i was 12-13, she was always a good mother but when the alchol came into play it was just bad seeing her in a bad place, intoxicated.
It became so hard to deal with that me and my siblings and father moved out to another home.

I was angry with my mother for years not seeing her often only if i came around the neighbourhood to deliver newspapers but i stopped doing that after awhile so we never got to see eachother along the years. I never understood why what and how. But then the day came with the news that my mother had ended her own life at age 47.

Now 5-6 years later i still walk around feeling bad about it how i should have been there more and how i could have stopped it from happening all together if i atleast visited her once in a while, but i didn't.

Now obviously i felt this after reading most of her diaries which where saved up over the years, in those she expressed alot of grief and misunderstanding about the world and in the end.. how lonely she was that we weren't around.

But i cannot stress this enough she was an absolutely wonderfull person and so kind and a loving mom! so why did i not go see her. I have failed.

Till this very day i blame myself. never should have left.
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Re: Regrets of life

Postby Wonder85 » Mon Mar 25, 2019 2:40 pm

I felt so sad reading your post. My mother too was an alcoholic. Like your mum she was a wonderful person and I miss her terribly. My mum was one of those alcoholics who turned nasty after a few drinks but was most amazing person sober.
We had our ups and downs over the years but she was still my mum. She lived alone and went into a diabetic coma that she didn't wake from. I too have experienced the guilt, if she didn't live alone we would have noticed and she may still be here. I could have visited more, I could have tried to help her more ECT.
I think it's normal to experience guilt when someone dies no matter the circumstances. My mum passed away 8 years ago this year and I always think of her, I still wish I did things differently when she was alive but ultimately I know I tried my hardest to help her. I was 28 when she died with a young child of my own. I wish she was still here, I really need her some days.
Try not to be hard on yourself, you were the child in this relationship and your mum wouldn't want you to suffer. Be kind to yourself and keep her memory alive. Alcohol is an addiction and you are not to blame x
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Re: Regrets of life

Postby howitbegan » Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:08 pm

Wonder85 wrote:I felt so sad reading your post. My mother too was an alcoholic. Like your mum she was a wonderful person and I miss her terribly. My mum was one of those alcoholics who turned nasty after a few drinks but was most amazing person sober.
We had our ups and downs over the years but she was still my mum. She lived alone and went into a diabetic coma that she didn't wake from. I too have experienced the guilt, if she didn't live alone we would have noticed and she may still be here. I could have visited more, I could have tried to help her more ECT.
I think it's normal to experience guilt when someone dies no matter the circumstances. My mum passed away 8 years ago this year and I always think of her, I still wish I did things differently when she was alive but ultimately I know I tried my hardest to help her. I was 28 when she died with a young child of my own. I wish she was still here, I really need her some days.
Try not to be hard on yourself, you were the child in this relationship and your mum wouldn't want you to suffer. Be kind to yourself and keep her memory alive. Alcohol is an addiction and you are not to blame


I'm sad to hear you had a similair situation.
these type of addicitions are self destructive and they say that there is a really low % of people who actually get tru the addiction.

but i feel like i should have done more she was such an incredible person who could have been alive today.

but we must learn to let go i guess and move on...

i wish you all the best <3
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