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Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

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Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby Hithere28 » Tue Mar 12, 2019 3:57 am

Hi everyone!

I’ve mentioned this before on here but didn’t really go in-depth and explain it. Here’s what happened: When I was 14, a close family friend was visiting, and we were the same age. At the time, both of us were curious about our sexualities, and she had disclosed to me that she thought she was into girls. I also believed I was into girls. The months leading up to this, we had started playing a game that she initiated where we would “tickle” and “massage” each other’s backs. We would lift each other’s shirts up and do this - I had no idea what this game was before she introduced it to me, but I liked it.

Then, one night, we were playing this “game” as usual, and we started to make things more explicit by taking off more clothes and getting more intimate with out touching...at one point, she rubbed her fingers over my butt and it felt so good, I groaned and she said something like, “Oh, did you like that? You know you can do that to yourself sometime, too.” Basically, we were just 2 14-year-olds having a strange sexual experience.

However, it got to a point where I started stroking her breasts and her body even more intimately than before, but she wouldn’t really reciprocate for me as much (by this I mean - we would take turns touching each other, but when it was my turn to be “massaged”, she wouldn’t touch me as intimately/as much as I was touching her).. I remember at the time being confused as to why she wasn’t reciprocating as much but now, looking back, I wonder if she started to feel uncomfortable with the whole game at some point. The thought that she may have been uncomfortable didn’t even register for me at the time, but as an adult, it makes me more concerned. She also got quieter when things got more intense, which also makes me concerned. At one point, I asked her to touch me in between my legs, and she did, but I remember she did it quickly and didn’t do it again...So, again, I wonder if she felt like things were getting too intense (even if she was enjoying it before), but felt too uncomfortable saying that she wanted to stop, and I didn’t pick up on her body cues that she was not into it anymore.

It makes me feel guilty.....Another thing: years later, she mentioned this incident to me in a very joking manner, saying something like, “Oh, remember when we used to play that game haha we were such weird kids!” And even though she said this so nonchalantly, I still worry that she’s trying to brush away something that actually made her kinda uncomfortable in the moment.

Please help! How terrible is what I did? Obviously, as an adult, I am much more in tune with people’s body language, and I would ask before doing anything, but this makes me feel shameful what I did at 14.
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby sprock » Wed Mar 13, 2019 9:33 pm

Honestly, it sounds consensual (in as much as if we regard 14-year-olds are being able to consent then you both consented; if we don't, neither of you did... personally, strictly in these circumstances, I would sway towards the former).

Yes, you are likely right that today as an adult you could pick up on and be more responsive and thoughtful to subtle bodily cues, but that is what learning is all about - you did not violate her boundaries, push her boundaries, or proceed or continue after she said "no" or anything expressing reticence, ambivalent or discomfort.

Obviously, one's self-respect and ability to look oneself in the eye is core - and that is down to you :) But, please, in a world where a majority of people argue that Aziz Ansari does not deserve to go to prison or be punished, who acted in a way far more clearly coercive than yourself and with far, far less remorse, you have nothing left to feel guilty about if you even did at all! :)

(disclosure - I myself did worse than you and at a significantly older age and feel daily remorse, but I still think the vast, vast majority of people, whether any regrets in their life or not, would agree with my sentiment here)
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby Hithere28 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 8:15 pm

sprock wrote:Honestly, it sounds consensual (in as much as if we regard 14-year-olds are being able to consent then you both consented; if we don't, neither of you did... personally, strictly in these circumstances, I would sway towards the former).

Yes, you are likely right that today as an adult you could pick up on and be more responsive and thoughtful to subtle bodily cues, but that is what learning is all about - you did not violate her boundaries, push her boundaries, or proceed or continue after she said "no" or anything expressing reticence, ambivalent or discomfort.

Obviously, one's self-respect and ability to look oneself in the eye is core - and that is down to you :) But, please, in a world where a majority of people argue that Aziz Ansari does not deserve to go to prison or be punished, who acted in a way far more clearly coercive than yourself and with far, far less remorse, you have nothing left to feel guilty about if you even did at all! :)

(disclosure - I myself did worse than you and at a significantly older age and feel daily remorse, but I still think the vast, vast majority of people, whether any regrets in their life or not, would agree with my sentiment here)


Hey! Thanks for your reply.

I’m still unsure. Honestly, she seemed pretty uncomfortable with what was happening. I don’t know why I didn’t understand this at the time, maybe it was because I was enjoying what we were doing too much, but looking back, I can see that I should’ve asked her for her consent before I touched her more intimately.

I just don’t know what to make of it. Am I actually just overreacting? We were both enjoying ourselves in the beginning, and she never said no or gave any super strong indication that she uncomfortable with me touching her, but something about the general...vibe she was giving off is what makes me concerned in retrospect. The fact that it seemed like she really didn’t want to touch me between my legs when I asked is also an indicator of something being wrong to me.....
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby sprock » Thu Mar 14, 2019 10:52 pm

Personally I think this is the rare instance where you could ask the individual without risking much harm, but others here might disagree with me. It is also, of course, hard to know whether you are reading the experience differently with hindsight. The impression I get is that if you had felt and been given indication that she was not okay with you doing what you were doing, you wouldn't have done it and she wouldn't have remembered it in a cheerful, bemused fashion later.
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby Hithere28 » Fri Mar 15, 2019 5:29 am

Hey! So I ended up talking to a friend about this as I wasn’t sure what else to do. I had previously talked to a therapist (who had reassured me that what I did wasn’t wrong, that I was overreacting, etc, but I felt like she was dismissing a case of sexual assault/something wrong). However, my friend basically said very similar things as you, @Sprock! I was pretty nervous to tell this friend as I wasn’t sure how she would react, but she seems to genuinely think that what I did wasn’t as wrong as I think it was and that I was young and this was so long ago that it’s hard for me to remember details.

So everyone is telling me that what I did wasn’t that bad...Part of me feels like I’m not emphasizing enough how uncomfortable she seemed during the encounter, but part of me feels like I have explained myself to the fullest extent, and I’m just looking for another thing to obsess over/ruminate over/feel shame over.

Another thing: The girl this whole encounter took place with felt completely comfortable being half-naked around me several years later, so I guess that means she probably wasn’t severely affected by this encounter? That it could’ve just been awkward and uncomfortable and not fun but not traumatizing or even particularly invasive or violating?
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby sprock » Fri Mar 15, 2019 8:07 pm

Exactly :) I think you're def on the right tracks there tbh
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby Hithere28 » Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:08 pm

.

-- Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:41 pm --

Sorry, I deleted the content of the comment above, but here’s what it said:

I feel like I wasn’t completely clear in my original post, and maybe I’m being obsessive, but I’m gonna post this just in case. The reason why I said she didn’t seem comfortable when she touched me between my legs is because I was getting frustrated/confused that she wasn’t touching me as much as I was touching her, so I asked her if she could “touch me lower” (my exact words). She did touch me lower, but only on my lower stomach, and so I said “lower” and that’s when she touched me between my legs but pretty quickly/rushed/almost like she just wanted to get it over with. At the time, I guess I didn’t realize how she might have felt uncomfortable (I’m still not sure what I thought, my memory with regards to all of this has proven to be kinda unreliable honestly), but does this seem coercive/like sexual assault to you guys? Just wanted to clarify this particular part because I hadn’t specified what I meant, so I don’t know if it changed things.
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Re: Feeling remorseful/concerned over something I did at 14

Postby sprock » Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:16 pm

I still stand by my prior opinion :)
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