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Did unintentionally abuse younger brother?

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Did unintentionally abuse younger brother?

Postby Shaun83 » Wed Feb 27, 2019 4:12 pm

Hi first time post. I've been having a rough time recently by obsessively ruminating about a childhood incident.

When I was approx 11-13 I was at an age where I was discovering myself sexually and I would spend a lot of time my room what I would now call 'dry humping' my bed. I didn't really know about masturbation but all I knew was that rubbing against my mattress felt good/comforting to me at that age.

Anyway my OCD/anxiety comes from a time when my younger brother who was about 3-4 years old came in my bedroom when I was doing this one time and I from what I remember he must've thought I was playing and climbed on top of me and lay on my back as if he was hugging me or I was giving him a piggy back. I can't explain why but I think because my hormones were raging that much at the time that I carried on humping my bed when he was lay on my back. I might have thought it was funny or was just playing around at the time, I really can't remember it properly, but I remember feeling a sensation and feeling a little bit strange about the situation and then I must've stopped as realised it wasn't right. I must add that we were both fully clothed and it must have only lasted 30 seconds or so. He was lay on my back so I couldn't see him and didn't touch him and there was no threat/coercion.

I never gave it any other thought until recently when It popped up in my mind. I have never had any kind of similar incident happen since then, I'm now married with my own family and I don't have any unusual sexual desires. Also I have a great relationship with my brother who is now a healthy adult with no issues whatsoever and clearly doesn't remember it.

It's been a major stress and has been affecting my recent day to day life. I'm just sick with worry as when you google child on child sexual abuse it says any sexual activity with a child who can't consent is basically abuse and also the difference in ages.

I have a great life and family and this one incident from a long time ago is causing me to feel like a bad person and that I can't be happy in the present day.

I don't know why I've chosen to dwell and ruminate on this now. Is this just my current OCD/anxiety magnifying the situation? Or do I have a reason to be concerned? Any advice would be great.
Shaun83
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Re: Did unintentionally abuse younger brother?

Postby sprock » Sat Mar 02, 2019 4:13 pm

It was inappropriate, but since I highly doubt your brother would have experienced what you did as violating, uncomfortable or scary (nor traumatic in retrospect) I think you can let yourself off the hook a whole lot :) Also, it is significant that you were only 11/13 - still a young kid yourself.
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Re: Did unintentionally abuse younger brother?

Postby Shaun83 » Sun Mar 03, 2019 8:51 am

Thanks for your reply Sprock. I know what I did hasn’t caused any harm to anyone and I was just a kid myself, however my ocd/anxiety keeps telling me that if what I did was classed as abuse then I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy in my present life.
Shaun83
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Re: Did unintentionally abuse younger brother?

Postby sprock » Wed Mar 13, 2019 9:36 pm

I glad you recognise that your OCD is in play with this - trust that instinct if/when you can :)
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