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Molestation and Experimentation Causing Guilt and Anxiety

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Molestation and Experimentation Causing Guilt and Anxiety

Postby Chrismart » Sun Jan 06, 2019 11:40 pm

I want to start out by saying that I have asked others about these instances before and they've said I'm okay and I should move on, but sometimes the guilt consumes me.

Beginning when I was young, around 4-6 years old, my older cousin (female), who was about 9-11 years old, started doing things to me. I've come to the conclusion that she manipulated and molested me. I was just an unassuming kid, who just wanted to play video games and watch cartoons, and I was taken advantage of by my older cousin. And the thing is, I try not to put too much blame on her. She was a kid herself and was probably acting out on the things she had seen. However, my father years later made it known to me that she was doing this with other kids before. I don't remember exactly how it started, but I do remeber in those early times feeling anxious and scared at times when she wanted to do things. Several memories come to mind when thinking back on what happened. I remember one time while I was watching tv, she slid her hand in my pants and touched my penis. I remeber feeling shocked and upset by this action, and wanted her to stop. She also tried to coerce me into performing oral sex on her (I was 5), but I kept telling her I didn't want to. Another time, while sleeping over, I remeber waking up to her fondling my penis. I was very uncomfortable, and wanted her to move away from. Thinking back on that, we slept over several times, and I believe she did this to me several times without me waking up and knowing, which disgusts me. Another time (possibly the worst time), she brought me down to her basement at her place and wanted to perform oral sex on me, which I absolutely did not want. Despite my protests, she began performing oral sex on me. I immediately felt extremely anxious, and began to cry. After crying for a few moments, she finally stopped. I beileve she told me not to say anything and its okay. I haven't remembered that situation in years (possibly due to trauma) and finally remembred a couple of days ago actully.

However, another thing that grosses me out about the ordeal was the fact that sometimes I enjoyed some of what she did to me, and I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I particpated willingly. Everyone I've said this to says this is normal for my age, being that I didn't know this was wrong, and that anything that ellicits forms of pleasure would want to be replicated. However, even thinking I liked doing this disgusts me as well. This stopped when I was around 7-8 years old, as I moved away. I beileve these instances were the start of my anxiety and OCD

Fast forward to 2 years, and I begin to be more sexually aware. I start watching porn more often, and I begin to experiment with another older cousin (male) often (1 year older). Me and him would do alot of things together (masturbate together, each other, measure our penises, watch porn together, etc). (I do remember my cousin trying to finger his dog once and tried to get me to do it, but I didn't want to.) However, a couple of things cause me some guilt. One time during a sleepover, I got curious one night and licked his penis while slept once. Another time I touched his butt while he slept. We experimented after these instances, but I've felt guilty for them. I know it was because of the things done to me that I did this, but I just can't forgive myself sometimes. I told my mother about these events later on after they happened, but idk what she did with the information. We eventually stop, although I was interested in continuing, but eventually we both grew out of it and moved on

All of these events cause me extreme distress, and I just want to feel better, and not have to feel guilty about what I've done or feel guilty and disgusted about what was done to me. Please give feedback. I'd really appreciate it.
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Re: Molestation and Experimentation Causing Guilt and Anxiety

Postby sprock » Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:00 pm

You were far, far more abused than abuser... in fact, given your age at the time, I really don't think that would be a fair characterisation or label to apply to your adult self. Try to speak to yourself as you would any other pre-teen. You would explain that what they did was wrong, but I sincerely doubt you would want them to be punished for ever. Sadly your cousin was also probably acting out things done to her. Abuse begets abuse, but I think it can be seen with compassion and pity in the case of children and, the fact is, you are a child :)
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