I've realized that I'm not a good person.

My brother told me stories about how I abused animals in the past. I apparently tried to drown my guinea pig in a bowl of water. (I tried to make it swim, maybe? I don't remember.) I also had a cat I loved very very much. She has sadly passed on now and I am filled with regret over how I treated her sometimes. I would occasionally start pulling on her ears until she squeaked in pain, and then stopped. I liked to hear her noises but she didn't meow often. I remember a time she was playing with my arm as I was sitting in a chair and I meant to push her away and I wound up accidentally sending her flying way more than I meant to. She still loved me so much and I abused her. She sadly passed away when she was hit by a car and the last image I saw of her was her convulsing in a plastic container.

I often pulled animal's tails, picked them up or pushed them. I claim to love animals today and I have ceased this behavior and I cannot forgive myself for what I did.

Most of my behavior online has been toxic. I joined adult sites before turning 18, practiced self-loathing to manipulate my friends and often threatened suicide despite only considering the idea. I did so for the sake of sympathy. I have been toxic to other users over their preferences, and when I was eventually harassed for my rude behavior I told multiple people to die or kill themselves.

I've told multiple of my friends off on their passions and other petty arguments. I have apologized to two of them and we have made up, however a third passed away shortly after we happened to contact each other after finding each other on a Discord server. He was the one I treated the worst and while I spoke to him he left me with a 'You can talk to me anytime' which I neglected to do until it was too late and he had been in a car accident.

I was publicly doxxed one or two years and the forum is still there. I am too terrified to check it, but instead of listing the proper abuse I've done online it exaggerates leaked private messages, some refering to me being domestically abused at home. I have made a topic on the domestic abuse at post2127154.html . I have been afraid of doing anything since this happened, and I feel like something horrible may happen at any minute. Is this rightful punishment?

I cannot apologize to my cat. I cannot apologize to my friend. I have tried to apologize to other people but nobody believes me. However some of the people I've wronged I could talk to and apologize for my past behavior, but I refuse to believe I've changed in any way, and I am afraid of reverting to toxic or exploitative behavior. I hate myself and I am crying a lot and losing my sleep. I don't know what to do to try and be a better person, or forgive myself for making these mistakes and move on. I am so tired.

It sounds like you were still a kid/ underage teenager when you did a lot of these things, which were selfish and thoughtless and maybe occasionally mean, but really teenage acting out... I agree that telling people online to kill themselves is not good behaviour. I also feel that the internet is simply often not a good place for kids to be, offering too many complex interactions, toxicity and opportunities for behaviour they will later regret. Unlike a lot of people you have learned to self-reflect, which is great. It is early days and I don't think it is useful to focus too hard on the desperate need to forgive yourself, which may well come with time. The fact is that change is a slow and ever-winding road. It is a process. You can't just "switch" over night into being the person you want to be, but you can try to be kinder and more thoughtful every day and I think you've done a great start doing just that!

I was relatively young, but I feel I can't use that as some sort of excuse to abuse animals I've loved dearly. I've been rude to people well into teenage-hood and until I was 18 when I was literally chased out of the community. I was doxxed when I was 23-24 and there's nothing I was able to do about it. I live in constant fear of being tracked down and harassed or hurt and I've had a horrible streak of bad luck lately. I feel like I deserve this and I don't really deserve to live anymore for the things I did. I kind of agree.

Living is not really a matter of deserving. Do birds deserve to exist? Do rocks? You need to focus on how you can learn to live with yourself and how you can best give back Have you done any voluntary work with animals?