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I've realized that I'm not a good person.

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I've realized that I'm not a good person.

Postby Anonwbs14 » Sun Dec 09, 2018 2:39 pm

My brother told me stories about how I abused animals in the past. I apparently tried to drown my guinea pig in a bowl of water. (I tried to make it swim, maybe? I don't remember.) I also had a cat I loved very very much. She has sadly passed on now and I am filled with regret over how I treated her sometimes. I would occasionally start pulling on her ears until she squeaked in pain, and then stopped. I liked to hear her noises but she didn't meow often. I remember a time she was playing with my arm as I was sitting in a chair and I meant to push her away and I wound up accidentally sending her flying way more than I meant to. She still loved me so much and I abused her. She sadly passed away when she was hit by a car and the last image I saw of her was her convulsing in a plastic container.

I often pulled animal's tails, picked them up or pushed them. I claim to love animals today and I have ceased this behavior and I cannot forgive myself for what I did.

Most of my behavior online has been toxic. I joined adult sites before turning 18, practiced self-loathing to manipulate my friends and often threatened suicide despite only considering the idea. I did so for the sake of sympathy. I have been toxic to other users over their preferences, and when I was eventually harassed for my rude behavior I told multiple people to die or kill themselves.

I've told multiple of my friends off on their passions and other petty arguments. I have apologized to two of them and we have made up, however a third passed away shortly after we happened to contact each other after finding each other on a Discord server. He was the one I treated the worst and while I spoke to him he left me with a 'You can talk to me anytime' which I neglected to do until it was too late and he had been in a car accident.

I was publicly doxxed one or two years and the forum is still there. I am too terrified to check it, but instead of listing the proper abuse I've done online it exaggerates leaked private messages, some refering to me being domestically abused at home. I have made a topic on the domestic abuse at post2127154.html . I have been afraid of doing anything since this happened, and I feel like something horrible may happen at any minute. Is this rightful punishment?

I cannot apologize to my cat. I cannot apologize to my friend. I have tried to apologize to other people but nobody believes me. However some of the people I've wronged I could talk to and apologize for my past behavior, but I refuse to believe I've changed in any way, and I am afraid of reverting to toxic or exploitative behavior. I hate myself and I am crying a lot and losing my sleep. I don't know what to do to try and be a better person, or forgive myself for making these mistakes and move on. I am so tired.
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Re: I've realized that I'm not a good person.

Postby sprock » Tue Dec 11, 2018 11:40 am

It sounds like you were still a kid/ underage teenager when you did a lot of these things, which were selfish and thoughtless and maybe occasionally mean, but really teenage acting out... I agree that telling people online to kill themselves is not good behaviour. I also feel that the internet is simply often not a good place for kids to be, offering too many complex interactions, toxicity and opportunities for behaviour they will later regret. Unlike a lot of people you have learned to self-reflect, which is great. It is early days and I don't think it is useful to focus too hard on the desperate need to forgive yourself, which may well come with time. The fact is that change is a slow and ever-winding road. It is a process. You can't just "switch" over night into being the person you want to be, but you can try to be kinder and more thoughtful every day and I think you've done a great start doing just that! :)
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Re: I've realized that I'm not a good person.

Postby Anonwbs14 » Sat Dec 15, 2018 12:47 pm

I was relatively young, but I feel I can't use that as some sort of excuse to abuse animals I've loved dearly. I've been rude to people well into teenage-hood and until I was 18 when I was literally chased out of the community. I was doxxed when I was 23-24 and there's nothing I was able to do about it. I live in constant fear of being tracked down and harassed or hurt and I've had a horrible streak of bad luck lately. I feel like I deserve this and I don't really deserve to live anymore for the things I did. I kind of agree.
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Re: I've realized that I'm not a good person.

Postby sprock » Sun Dec 23, 2018 10:45 pm

Living is not really a matter of deserving. Do birds deserve to exist? Do rocks? You need to focus on how you can learn to live with yourself and how you can best give back :) Have you done any voluntary work with animals?
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