My brother told me stories about how I abused animals in the past. I apparently tried to drown my guinea pig in a bowl of water. (I tried to make it swim, maybe? I don't remember.) I also had a cat I loved very very much. She has sadly passed on now and I am filled with regret over how I treated her sometimes. I would occasionally start pulling on her ears until she squeaked in pain, and then stopped. I liked to hear her noises but she didn't meow often. I remember a time she was playing with my arm as I was sitting in a chair and I meant to push her away and I wound up accidentally sending her flying way more than I meant to. She still loved me so much and I abused her. She sadly passed away when she was hit by a car and the last image I saw of her was her convulsing in a plastic container.
I often pulled animal's tails, picked them up or pushed them. I claim to love animals today and I have ceased this behavior and I cannot forgive myself for what I did.
Most of my behavior online has been toxic. I joined adult sites before turning 18, practiced self-loathing to manipulate my friends and often threatened suicide despite only considering the idea. I did so for the sake of sympathy. I have been toxic to other users over their preferences, and when I was eventually harassed for my rude behavior I told multiple people to die or kill themselves.
I've told multiple of my friends off on their passions and other petty arguments. I have apologized to two of them and we have made up, however a third passed away shortly after we happened to contact each other after finding each other on a Discord server. He was the one I treated the worst and while I spoke to him he left me with a 'You can talk to me anytime' which I neglected to do until it was too late and he had been in a car accident.
I was publicly doxxed one or two years and the forum is still there. I am too terrified to check it, but instead of listing the proper abuse I've done online it exaggerates leaked private messages, some refering to me being domestically abused at home. I have made a topic on the domestic abuse at post2127154.html . I have been afraid of doing anything since this happened, and I feel like something horrible may happen at any minute. Is this rightful punishment?
I cannot apologize to my cat. I cannot apologize to my friend. I have tried to apologize to other people but nobody believes me. However some of the people I've wronged I could talk to and apologize for my past behavior, but I refuse to believe I've changed in any way, and I am afraid of reverting to toxic or exploitative behavior. I hate myself and I am crying a lot and losing my sleep. I don't know what to do to try and be a better person, or forgive myself for making these mistakes and move on. I am so tired.