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[POCD] Cant move on, please help

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[POCD] Cant move on, please help

Postby idcidcidcidcidc » Wed Nov 14, 2018 12:25 am

First off, Im sorry if this is too long and it covers uncomfortable topics but i feel like i need to be detailed for people to understand me.

Im an 18 year old girl and ive never been in a relationship or had sex. My doubts started bc until not that long ago i used to read hentai/fanfiction that often featured relationships between children and adults, and also incestuous relationships. I didnt think it was wrong bc so many other people did it and had no doubts about their own morals bc they claimed they were just fantasies and didnt feel that way at all towards children irl. And for a long time i believed that too, though it did feel awful to get called a pedophile by a lot of people, but i figured they were just cartoons and writing and werent hurting anybody.

However one day i remembered this one time back when i used to frequent webcam sites where you basically had sexual videochats with strangers i came across a little girl who told me she was attracted to girls and her sister helped her masturbate or whatever and i dont remember what i said, probalby something along the lines of "as long as youre ok with it its fine" or whatever (which makes my head hurt just thinking about it). i cant really remember the full conversation and nothing really happened but the idea that i wouldve showed her my body if she had asked me to terrifies me. I cant remember how old i was exactly at the time but maybe 15 or 16? And it makes me feel even worse because at 16 i was already old enough and i shouldve known how terrible having those kinds of conversations with kids or even THINKING about stripping in front of them. I dont think i felt attraction towards her at all or that i even thought about her stripping for me in exchange, I think i just wanted people to think i was attractive and to impress them no matter who they were because of my low self esteem. But i still feel extremely guilty about it and ive been agonizing for months over what people would think of me if they knew.

Theres also this one time when i was basically in the same situation except i was younger where i was about to take my shirt off for these two boys on webcam and then my mom came home so i didnt. Having a bad memory and not being able to recall these moments well just makes everything worse since i can only remember these things vaguely and i had completely forgotten about them until a few months ago.

I also remember not that long ago when i was reading these hentai comics about little boys and older women i think i wanted to see a dynamic like that in real life or something so i searched for older women and younger guy porn and watched one. again, nothing happened but the idea that i might have searched for it tryiing to find child pornography is absolutely terrifying and i think its almost as bad as if i'd actually done it. I dont know how but i dont think i realized the gravity of the situation back then. I dont know if that was actually my intention at the time or if my pocd is making things worse.

Theres also this one time when i think, out of curiosity or whatever, i searched for bestiality porn between a woman and a dog bc id seen talk about it online and i also feel incredibly guilty. Im terrified i might have looked at it to see if i liked it.

I also remember one time i looked at my younger nieces butt (whos about 9-10). I dont even know what to think about that, i dont think ive ever actually had sexual thoughts about her? but i did stare at her butt while she was sleeping and i feel disgusting.

Ever since i started doubting whether im a pedophile/zoophile/attracted to my own family members ive had intrusive sexual thoughts involving anything disgusting i could think of like children, my mother, feces, animals, all of those combined as if my brain wanted to torture me. I thinkg its because i subconciously think those awful things on purpose to make sure i dont actually want them and reassure myself. I also think i have a problem differenciating looking at something and seeing it in a sexual way.

I also think the fact that i used to strip on webcam and had sexual conversations with MUCH older men ever sinice i was like 13-14 might have something to do with this. I dont really remember it as something traumatic or whatever but it did expose me to a lot of stuff i probably wasnt ready for seeing at that age and made me think pedophillia wasnt that bad since those older men were technically seeing pedophillic content but i was ok with it so it was fine (it wasnt the mens fault of course, i lied about my age).

Theres also the fact that sometimes i tend to find very disturbing things arousing, like a while ago i got aroused by someone talking about how they had sex with their dog or fictional stories about someone sexually abusing their younger sibilings. However other times i find even implied rape in movies and stuff super unsettling to the point i get a headache or a stomachache trying to watch it. I cant explain why.

At one point i started questioning why things like pedophillia, zoophilia or incest are bad and thinking that maybe if a woman is the agressor then it wasnt so bad and that terrifies me, i dont ever want to be a person who thinks those kinds of things are right. even if i did end up having those kinds of immoral sexual attractions i would NEVER force myself onto anyone.

I know reading this probably made so many people disgusted at me and i cant blame you. I didnt even remember doing these things until like 4 months ago where it all came rushing back and i felt so bad i started shaking and couldnt eat or sleep. I still think about it every day. Now im handling it much better because ive had a long time to think about it and ive gone over the same scenarios from my past that have caused me all this guilt a million times already and i even started therapy over it, but from time to time i go back to feeling guilty and i come to seek outsiders opinions in forums.

I also feel guilty because i still wonder if things like fictional incest, fictional dubcon/noncon or daddy kink/ddlg are wrong. I feel like i cant trust my own judgement over whats right and wrong anymore because i used to think so many awful, disgusting things were wrong

I desperately want to be a good person more than anything and have normal young adult problems. I wish i could just forget everything or just not having done any of that in the first place. Im scared these mistakes will haunt me my whole life and i have no one to blame but myself.

Thank you to anyone that took the time to read this far and im sorry if this is too over the place, its hard for me to put this into words.
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Re: [POCD] Cant move on, please help

Postby sprock » Mon Nov 19, 2018 12:32 am

I think the internet make it very difficult for a lot of kids to come of age in a nurturing, clear and non-exploitative environment, tragically. While I appreciate those older men wouldn't have known your exact age, they would have known you were young, still just a kid. Up until very recently you've been a child and one who was, as you note yourself, introduced to things when you were too young to filter them properly. So, please don't be so hard on yourself. It is indeed very clear you have POCD. Intrusive thoughts are a bit hallmark of OCD and its related conditions and they don't define you as a person. They're just a weird brain glitch :)

Please keep up with the therapy and maybe try meditating. I think you can grow through this.

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