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Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

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Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby DaSilva1727 » Fri Oct 05, 2018 8:56 pm

Hi everyone,

I've noticed here tons of stories of people involved with playing/experimenting sexually with cousins & siblings as young children/pre-teens

For those of you who have been involved on the side of initiating the events, how did you manage to deal with the shame and embarrassment from the incidents ? Maybe not so much on the guilt and remorse part but more so on the "gross" and "disgusted" feelings that you might be dealing with. I know a lot of us didn't do things on purpose to commit an evil act to hurt someone but dealing with shame can affect our self-esteem in deeper ways

I myself was involved with a situation with my younger male sibling (we're both males) and I'm having difficulty accepting it and dealing with the shame and disgust from it. I've gotten a lot of progress on the side of guilt and remorse but the actual act itself makes me feel like I'm walking around with a big "stain" on my life. Almost like I'm some kind of dirty person which affects self-esteem.

Personally I find meditation helps but I was wondering if anyone has personal tips they can share ?

Thanks anyone in advance for insight and sharing personal experiences. Appreciate it :)
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby Snaga » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:27 pm

I was never much of an initiator (too timid), but gosh aren't we all dirty, on some level? Or maybe it's just me. I know it's easy to think oneself is pretty awful, but most of us get horny, sexual, curious, do things not discussed in polite company, etc. I mean, even the most upstanding people get it on, even if they're vanilla about it. I have a hard time trying to figure out how some people I know were ever born, seeing how 'proper' their parents were/are, but hey, in the end, someone banged someone, you know?

I think a lot of the childhood sexual weirdness/experimentation stories, are way more common that the people who post here, think. I think we just see the tip of the iceberg. And I hate seeing people torn up over things that often, in the end, were completely harmless, and hurt nothing or no one.
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby DaSilva1727 » Fri Oct 19, 2018 2:05 pm

Hi Snaga,

Thanks for the reply. I just cant shake it from my head. I know I let the hormones and urges get the best of me and they overruled any moral conscious thinking I might have/haven't had at the age of 13-16 (still cant remember the exact age which scares me). I hear it's common and believe what you say but for some reason I can't shake these feelings of shame and disgust from my mind. Have a hard time accepting them too because deep down on the inside I dont want them to be a part of my life. I feel like they are identifying who I am for my whole life even though it was a once or twice isolated incident.

I didn't actually bang anyone. Just some awkward dry humping/rubbing against my younger brother during some random wrestling type of stuff we were doing. It was so weird how it started and dont know why the hell it happened.

I've never been attracted to males my whole life. I'm a straight guy who's attracted to women (same with my brother) and the idea of incest and pedophilia disgusts me. Neither am I attracted to children or women that younger then the legal drinking age lol. But yet my mind is taking that stupid ignorant incident in my early teenage years and trying to define my persona for the rest of my entire life. Almost like I'm traumatizing myself with a completely different identity. So dumb and I hate it.

Anything you can reccomend that I do ? I started therapy with a psychologist last week and will continue that for as long as I can.

Thanks !
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby Snaga » Fri Oct 19, 2018 3:53 pm

Nothing I can think of, other than you're going to have, at some point, to make a conscious decision to Let It Go.

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We ALL have regrets. I have things I'm pretty ashamed of, but beating myself up, over and over, isn't going to accomplish anything. Especially when it is something that might have been harmful, but, in the end, wasn't harmful. And dredging it up is going to create more problems than leaving it be, and letting it go, and making a mental note.. "Okay, we do not like how we feel when we do things like that, we don't want to be a Bad Person, we're not doing that again!"

DaSilva1727 wrote:Almost like I'm traumatizing myself with a completely different identity.


yeah. that. You're going to have to remember that was someone else, that's not you, you're not the Mad Humper people have to run and lock their doors to get away from. And it's okay to feel all right about yourself.
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby DaSilva1727 » Mon Oct 29, 2018 8:53 pm

You're absolutely right Sagna. That's the hardest issue for me right now.

Also I think what bothers me too is that I hear of incest type relationships and activity and when I hear that word it makes me cringe. I feel like I myself have participated in something along those lines and although I've acted out sexually with a sibling (no actual types of sex, just rubbing) I find incest to be disgusting and wrong according to my personal values, morals and beliefs. Dont know if what I did counts but I'd feel weirded out and alienated from friends and society if I labelled myself as an "incest" type of person. Or maybe I'm just blowing this thing way out of proportion. My brain is my worst enemy right now lol
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby Snaga » Tue Oct 30, 2018 2:34 am

I really would not consider messing around a little as kids, to be incestuous. Continuing on up into the late teenage years and even adulthood, sure. Which, if truly consensual, I don't have much of a problem with, I happen to have a bit of a sibling incest fetish (not to the point it blinds me to the inadvisability of incest- it's a generally bad idea and I'd never encourage it), however, so I'm not horrified at the notion. But I wouldn't call sibling experimentation that ends pretty quickly on, as it probably does the majority of the time (from what I've seen), incest- I simply don't think it qualifies except in a purely strict technical sense but it's not the spirit of incest- it's kids messing around with whomever's handy, for a brief time until they get a sense of the inappropriateness of it. It could be friends, cousins or other extended kin (that was my case), or siblings. But to call it outright incest, for the sake of incest, is quite the stretch for me. I badly wish you could be more casual about that experience and just shrug it off as no harm done, and forget about it.
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby Snaga » Tue Oct 30, 2018 2:39 am

And while I wasn't the 'initiator', well, someone has to initiate every human interaction, right? Heck as a young person I regret not trying to initiate a few things. Intent, power struggle, and the level of willingness or unwillingness on the part of all parties plays such a huge role in whether you were a horrid kid, or just a typical boy (c'mon, we were all little horndogs at some point, I know I was). And even if you HAD been a horrid kid (I don't think you were at all), you're still not that kid. Gonna have to let this go, sweetie.
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby DaSilva1727 » Tue Oct 30, 2018 1:27 pm

Thanks Sagna, I appreciate your help so far.

I knew deep down inside it would be kind of cruel for it to be considered full out incest but sometimes for some reason my mind is always drawn towards the negative "what if" worse possible outcome.

And yes I know I was a dumb stupid horny young kid/teen that lost control of his hormones and acted out experimentally but for some reason my mind is on a constant loop stuck on this incident.

My brother who was on the receiving end of it and he seems to be doing fine and we have a better relationship then years ago. However for some strange reason my mind likes to get emotionally involved and cannot focus and enjoy anything else in life at the moment. Logically I can see it's a common/normal thing but emotionally I'm still torn about it for some reason. Maybe I have an underlying disorder ? Perhaps that's the case

-- Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:58 am --

Also, just to add I do think I have some pretty major symptoms of OCD type anxiety and my memories seem very vague and distorted. So having said that by the sounds of it I might even be remembering a twisted version of the actual "incident" which drives me insane and makes me think that something worse actually happened without even being able to remember it for sure in order to be 100 % certain. I've heard of false memories and the thought of that scares me considering if this whole thing is made up somehow or mostly false.
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Re: Help & Advice on Dealing With Shame

Postby Snaga » Wed Oct 31, 2018 3:50 am

I think a lot of the remorse posters seem to have some OCD-style obsessing/ruminating/overthinking going on, yes. And you're not exception. Nor are you alone, in my opinion, of thinking about/trying to remember something to the point that it all just turns into mush and you begin to not know what's real anymore. And that's why as far as I'm concerned you have to make yourself let it go.
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