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Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

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Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby guiltguy » Tue Oct 02, 2018 3:27 am

I've read through most of the posts on this forum and found many similar to mine, but none quite the same. This is something that deeply, deeply disgusts me and I've felt so guilty and remorseful as I've realized what I've done. I won't try to excuse any of my actions - they are revolting and nothing less.

When I was around 12-13 I sexually touched my sister, who was less than 2 years old. I was often tasked with changing her diapers, and at some point realized that it was the first vagina I've seen. Out of curiosity, I (so disgustingly) touched her. I then proceeded to masturbate to it (makes me want to puke as I type this).

I guess I subconsciously realized it was wrong and stopped after doing it twice. I now remember justifying it as "she would not remember" and I blocked out the memory. It was only recently that the memory was uncovered while I tried to recover from a bout of severe depression by "healing my childhood traumas".

It's been 10 years since then. I have never since then done anything to her. I've moved far away and see her only a few times a year. My sister shows no signs of recollection. I've never found children sexually attractive and I am absolutely no pedophile. As revolting as it is, hers was simply the first vagina I'd seen.

Since the realization of this event, the memory has haunted me. I am frequently triggered and it absolutely crushes me that I've done something like that. It is guilt, remorse, also fear. I fear that if I bring this up to a therapist, they would judge me and they would report me. I fear my family's reaction if they find out - they are happy people and my sister is happy and this is something that would absolutely destroy their lives.

I am also in a committed relationship, not without its own troubles. While I haven't been ever unfaithful in my relationship, I have been dishonest. I've been trying to change for the better in this relationship and I absolutely will make it my life's mission to treat my S.O. with the respect and honesty that she is due. This event is something I've never told her though I am often compelled to in the name of honesty. It would almost certainly end the relationship.

Should I tell my S.O.? Should I tell my family? Should I tell a therapist and hope they won't report me? Do I deserve to never be in a long term relationship? If I try to forgive myself would I just be escaping my punishment? How could I ever forgive myself for something this heinous? Or will I simply have to live and die with the guilt?

I feel like a dysfunctional and evil person for ever done such a thing which I know is wrong now, but I wish I knew back then. I know I owe it to my sister to be a great, compassionate, and supportive brother, but that doesn't erase my guilt. I've had many suicidal thoughts (though I am generally able to suppress the attempts) and have injured myself many times, but I can't break the cycle.

Help. I'm still a human being and I'm capable of loving and caring and not hurting others, I know it. But...what have I done...
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby Snaga » Tue Oct 02, 2018 12:00 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums.

My personal advice would be maybe to talk to a therapist, if you can't get yourself past this. I don't know what the statutes of limitations are for wherever you are, but I find it hard to think a therapist will report something like that, especially as you were yourself a child at the time.

You haven't specified when/where/how the masturbation occurred. Not that we ought to get too detailed but I think that also could have a bearing on just how bad this was (or wasn't) in an objective sense, versus your own perception of it.

In any case I feel as if this isn't as horrible a thing as you seem to. Was it dumb as ###$? Well yeah, sure- and 12-13 year old boys (assuming that's what you are, here) are... unsurprisingly, dumb as ###$. But like most of us, you quickly figured out on your own, Hey, I shouldn't be doing this.

Definitely don't think you should bring this up with family- there's no reason to! She's not going to remember you touching her toot-toot- and only you know the nature of the touch (curiosity/fascination) as opposed to doing any required maintenance on it. What they don't know isn't going to hurt them. And you can't be judging yourself forever in perpetuity, for something you did when you were a dumb little kid, to be blunt about it. You're not the same person you were then. And you didn't like, rape her. And like most kids who are at that terribly awkward stage of getting adult hormones and drives but without yet having an adult mind, you seem to have realised hey no this is something I don't need to be doing. You self-policed, you didn't do it any longer. Find it hard to think you're a bad person based on something you did twice at an age when doing stupid/inappropriate things is pretty common.

I mean, the way I read this, you touched her while in the course of maybe having to touch it, anyway (wipe it, whatever), then masturbated while thinking about it? You're not a monster.

If you feel the need for self-punishment, I'd suggest that keeping it to yourself, save perhaps a therapist, is recompense enough. Telling family would just confuse then and possibly upset them, and there's no reason for it. Keeping that to yourself is, to me, penance because then you have to live without the emotional satisfaction of confessing. I know that's sort of a twisted logic, but that's how I reason out keeping secrets of bad things I've done, to myself, when confessing won't and can't change anything, and no one was really harmed in the first place. When there was no real harm done, and all confessing will do is hurt unaware people that weren't hurt in the first place, I have to suspect that confessing is just to assuage my own feelings. So I keep my big mouth shut, and make a mental note Okay, this was Not All Right to do, I'm not going to do this again! And try to be a better person going forth.

Which, it sounds like you ARE a better person, you're not that curious kid any more. There's a reason there's a saying for young men, Young, Dumb, and full of cum.... 'cause they kinda are. You're not that person any more, and it sounds as if you quit being that person fairly quickly. I think you should lighten up on yourself.

Just my opinion, but I think, like a lot of us, you've made more out of this than it is. Yes, what you did was quite inappropriate- but unless you come back and tell me you did more than touch her toot-toot, I don't think you are quite the monster you seem to think you are. These things have a way of growing in our minds, to horrible misdeeds deserving of death.
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby guiltguy » Tue Oct 02, 2018 12:33 pm

Thank you for the kind words. I needed to hear something like that, having been up all night again. :cry:

I was extremely dumb. Didn't know the implications of what I did until many many years later, just knew the shame and guilt and that I shouldn't be doing that. I think what I did was a lot worse than what you did interpret, however, and I apologize for not making it more clear. What I did was masturbate beside her, lying down next to her. I also touched her beyond just wiping her, clearly in a manner that wasn't just cleaning, though it was during said maintenance. But now just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, what I did. It makes me want to throw up and stop existing.

I honestly can't be sure if harm has been done - it certainly has, morally, but mentally I have no clue if this would affect her. I sincerely sincerely hope it doesn't. I'd like to believe that I'm a good person. I've tried so hard to make the people around me happy and safe, but this just chews through my guts and makes me want to throw up. Things seem so hopeless and ruined because of me.

Thank you again. I'm almost hanging onto this thread to stop me from doing anything drastic, be it self harm or just blurting it to my family.
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby guiltguy » Tue Oct 02, 2018 12:40 pm

Also just to be clear, not trying to defend my actions or minimize them, because what I did was inexcusable regardless...I didn't get her to touch me or expose myself glaringly in front of her, I was kind of lying on the floor in parallel...if that makes sense...

Thanks again for the helpful words. I don't deserve them.
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby Snaga » Tue Oct 02, 2018 8:00 pm

Eh I think you drew a clear enough picture... okay you didn't try to rape her. You didn't masturbate ON her... look, kids do weird stupid wildly inappropriate stuff. Most of them figure out pretty quick that they shouldn't do it. It took you all of what- twice? Before conscience and good sense made itself known. Yeah it was wrong, but it's not like you were making an older child do things against their will. You weren't coercing, you weren't forcing. You weren't playing a power game, using your older age as leverage to make her do things. You touched a very young child inappropriately.

And you knew it was wrong, and stopped. And hadn't done it any more. And don't have a paraphilia for it, and aren't intending to do it, ever again.

Sure, if I were your parent and walked in on you, I'd have torn you a new asshole, you'd have been in so much trouble! But... that didn't happen. You realised Hey, This Is Wrong- on your own, which is a very good thing. You knew better, and you knew you knew better. And you stopped.

If your sister loves you, and shows no ill effects (and I really don't think she would remember anything, my earliest memories barely reach back that far), then I think the best thing to do, now, is to keep it to yourself. Saying something would only confuse, possibly anger. As of now, for your parents and sister, there is likely no offense, right? She probably doesn't remember and unless she acts all weird around you then you're good in her eyes. Your parents never knew. So no one is hurt. You didn't physically violate her other than a touch, you didn't damage her, right? Okay, then no one is hurt.

Telling... confessing to something a decade old, done when you were at that wonderful age where we start getting horny but don't really know how to control it, will, to me, be more harmful than having touched her and fapped beside her. Because confessing won't undo it. The only person it will make feel better, is you- it'll maybe make everyone else miserable. It'll potentially do more harm than good.

The only reason I say that, is that it sounds as if this was indeed a one-off, adolescent bit of stupidity. If you aren't worried that you are a molester. And you know this isn't going to ever happen again- and it hasn't, and I think if you were that kind of perv, it would have not stopped...

So you're no danger to anyone. If you were, then sure, confess to it, and seek help for it. But you're not a pedo. Teenage boys do all kind of stupid $#%^. Mark it down as that, and move on, is my advice. You are not that person any longer- and indeed, you weren't that person, for very long, even then. The only way to really make amends is to be a better person and forgive yourself- not making excuses, just realising it's past and done and you are going to be a better person who would never do that again. Making yourself into the monster you aren't, isn't helping anyone. Just be the best brother you can, will make up for it more than alienating everyone, I think. You are not that kid. You are not... that... kid. That kid has been gone for a decade.
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby Snaga » Tue Oct 02, 2018 8:05 pm

I'd like to add that I think, if you're that bothered by it, to please tell a therapist. I'm no therapist. And maybe they will know better than me, about what, if anything, you should do. Even if you're afraid of them reporting (I doubt that, personally), then okay if it was that horrible, then face up to it. I suspect, however, they'll help you to get past this terrible view you have of yourself.
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby guiltguy » Tue Oct 02, 2018 8:27 pm

No, I am not a pedophile and I absolutely, definitely never did, nor would do anything remotely similar again.

I think that you are right, that I should probably accept that this is a really stupid teenage choice, and keep the memory buried (of course, without forgetting the lessons learned). While possibly dishonest, it is probably the most humane, sane, and positive thing I can do for everyone involved. No one else should have to shoulder this burden.

My sister acts perfectly normal around me. We get along and I do very much love and care for her. I didn't damage her, but I do feel very guilty about the event.

What can I do to help me forgive myself and drop the guilt, by myself? How can I convince myself that it's ok to try to forgive myself? I'm not particularly comfortable going to a therapist about this topic, since they are mandated to disclose ANY mention of child abuse in most US states.

Thank you so much.
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Re: Molested sister at 12-13, crushing guilt now...*TW*

Postby louis76898 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:53 pm

Hey,

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

While what you did was obviously bad, you were still only 12 or 13. A kid. A hormonal and curious child. When we're younger, we just don't consider the impact of what we do and we don't think how potentially bad our actions are, and by no means do we think these actions will come back to haunt us in later life.

But please, you regret this so much and there's nothing else you can do at this point, so try and be a little easier on yourself. I know how soul crushing this must be for you, but your sister is okay. You are okay. You were young. Stupid. But you regret it.

I hope you find a way to move on

Louis
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