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Who do I have to tell?

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Who do I have to tell?

Postby Madavac » Mon Aug 27, 2018 10:01 pm

Hello forum, thank you for being here. I bet you have heard this story many times over but I am in pain and I really need some advice. When I was 12 I molested my little sister who was 7 and we haven't been speaking for 20 years. Now she has contacted me and I want to make things right, but before I confront the past: Do I have to tell my girl friend I committed this crime, does she have the right to know?

I come from a family where my mother and father fled from war to another country when I was still a baby. My parents got divorced and I could never remember having a father, until one day when I was about 6 my mother took my older sister and I to meet our father. We met him at an official facility where there was people monitoring us from behind a glass. I didn't think much of it then other than it was odd that we didn't meet outside or at his home. This went on for a while and finally me and my sister started to meet him at his house with his new family. When I asked my father why he left us he used to say that my mother made him so sad so he had to leave us. Years later I found out he had tried to kill my mother by a severe assault and was sentenced to a year of prison.

My older sister whom I lived with was always emotional unstable, by the time I was 11 she had already tried to kill her self once. My mother told me recently that all her time and emotional availability had to go to her and that I was neglected. However, I never felt neglected and was a very happy child.

My father had a new wife and a new daughter. We used to visit them only once every three months. When I was 11 I got in puberty and my body started to change. I got boners, and for some reason, even to this day I can't understand, why I started to experiment on my younger sister who was 6. It stared with inappropriate play where the play was designed so that eventually my privates connected with hers (both our pants was on) and I would instantly orgasm. I did this on two or three different occasions and by the time I was 12 it escalated to touching inside her panties, this too happened on two different occasions. I had no impulse control and I used to tell myself that she would be to young to remember, even though I knew it was a lie. I knew all along what I was doing and that it was wrong, I just dit it any way. I managed to stop and control my self but a few months later I found out about the prison thing and broke up the relation with my father and his family. We have only seen each other once over the past 20 years.

Now I know I have destroyed this poor girls life, the guilt and the same still haunts me. I feel sick to my stomach, how could I do this? I have never done anything like it to anybody else, but still. What I have done to this girl is unforgivable and should not happen to any one. I have buried the shame and the guilt deep inside and locked it away. I always knew it would come to haunt me in the end but still I fled. Recently my little sister contacted me on social media (2nd encounter over 20 years) and told me that she remembers. I instantly replied by giving her my phone number and told her that she could call me any time. I am willing to face the past and make things right.

I have had time to try to heal my self to a certain degree over the fact that I have robbed her of her happiness and joy in life, but I have never considered that I probably have to tell my older sister and my mother. I also have a girl friend, Do I have to tell her? I mean she has the right to know what person she is involved with right? Still, think of the trauma I will force on her, telling her that she has been together with a child molester. Please share som insights and experience with me, who do I have to tell?
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Re: Who do I have to tell?

Postby AllMyFault » Wed Aug 29, 2018 10:06 am

ok, first thing slow down and take a breath. now has your sister let you know that what happened affected her in that way, not to downplay the event but monsters are not made with such brief encounters unless you spoke of "if you tell" threats chances are you both might write it off as thousands of bro. sis have done but if she was affected than ya do what needs to be done to aid her in any way and at that point, you need to tell your g.f.
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Re: Who do I have to tell?

Postby sprock » Wed Aug 29, 2018 11:10 am

Well done for facing up to this :) I think it is the right thing to do and - while painful for all in the short-term - will be better for everyone in the long-term.

Personally I think your partner deserves to know. Try to relate what you did when you are in as calm a state of mind as you can be. And, without making excuses for yourself, tell her the ages when this happened. Don't just go up to her in tears and say "I'm a child molester" because that wouldn't be fair on her or yourself.

Good luck. I hope the meeting with your sister is healing for both of you. I would say try not to be self-defensive i.e. make sure to just be quiet and listen when your sister's relating her experiences - but I think you know that already :) You seem like a decent and self-aware man to me.
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Re: Who do I have to tell?

Postby Madavac » Thu Aug 30, 2018 6:04 pm

AllMyFault wrote:ok, first thing slow down and take a breath. now has your sister let you know that what happened affected her in that way, not to downplay the event but monsters are not made with such brief encounters unless you spoke of "if you tell" threats chances are you both might write it off as thousands of bro. sis have done but if she was affected than ya do what needs to be done to aid her in any way and at that point, you need to tell your g.f.


I have never made threats. She contacted me once about 10 years ago wanting our family to start seeing each other again and said that she hoped that it wasn't her fault that I broke contact. I answered her then that ofc we should meet and that she must never think that it was because of her and explained that it was something between me an our father without going into details. We met at my uncles house, but there were so many people, like 15 ppl, you know, father uncle cousins the whole shabang. So I didn't get the chance to speak with her. After that I talked a couple of times with my father but broke contact again. And never made things right with my sister.

This time, another 10 years past, she wrote to me that she really hopes I have suffered just as her and that some day she wants to go to the police. Like I mentioned I gave her my number and invited her to call me. This lady seems mad and she has all the right to be, I will stand up and face anything that happens, it is about her healing and not mine. I have contacted a therapist and we are to meet next week. My plan is to take professional consulting and then approach my sister and aiding her in whatever she needs.

I feel I cant tell my girl friend at this point. I have distanced my self from her, taking a pause, and told her I have caused great trauma to some one years ago. I need to sort that out first and it isn't fair if I tell my gf first and not having approached my sister yet. Perhaps this is wrong, I don't know.
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Re: Who do I have to tell?

Postby Madavac » Thu Aug 30, 2018 6:23 pm

sprock wrote:Well done for facing up to this :) I think it is the right thing to do and - while painful for all in the short-term - will be better for everyone in the long-term.

Personally I think your partner deserves to know.


Thank you for great advise.

What scares me about telling my partner is that if I tell her now I will inflict trauma to her too, she will reflect on having been with a guy for so long and capable of doing this and feel stupid for ever liking me. Ofc I shouldn't assume and judge without giving her the chance to react, still I feel I need to set the ball rolling first and then tell her and let her decide. I told her I want a "break", that I have hurt people severely and that I have contacted a therapist to clear some things from the past. I want to give her the chance to move on if she does find another guy. On the other side, she is now baffled and sad, and can't understand why I need to take a break. I just need to be careful before inlicting her more trauma. I just feel I'm in a spot where I don't know what the right thing to do is for her.
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Re: Who do I have to tell?

Postby sprock » Fri Aug 31, 2018 11:14 pm

I honestly think it is better to tell than to leave her baffled and sad. This doesn't need to inflict trauma. Yes, it will be difficult for her to think about/ work through, but with the situation as it is and your sister's current feelings I think it is genuinely best to face head on :) Thank you/ good job for focusing on your sister's healing - I think you're handling this decently the best you can
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