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Remorse & Shame over Sexual experimentation with sibling

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Remorse & Shame over Sexual experimentation with sibling

Postby DaSilva1727 » Fri Aug 24, 2018 11:38 am

Hey everyone,

So I've come across some posts on here as well as other sites about sexual experimenting between siblings and cousins.

I myself had my own embarrassing and shameful experience when I was a young-mid aged teenager with my younger brother too (both males, approx. 5 yrs apart). Long story short we were wrestling or playing around and somehow I ended up starting this game where I dry humped/rubbed my body against his in somewhat of a sexual way, plus a little touching/groping. It only happened once or twice and then the urges went away and only after it happened is when I started to realize it was awkward. We're both straight and never been attracted to the same sex but for some reason this happened. The last time it happened he got a little bothered by it so that made me realize that I should stop. Ever since then I've been regretting it so much and feel really depressed about the situation. Over the years its been coming back slowly to haunt me more and more. Nothing but shame, regret and disgust. Sometimes suicidal thoughts come to me as well. I hate myself so much for it and for while I convinced myself that I was some sort of monster.

I honestly don't know what prompted me to do this but at that age I probably wanted to know what being sexual/having sex felt like, yet I was never sexually attracted to my brother. I wasn't even watching porn or masturbating at that age yet and I didn't even know what masturbating was (very socially underdeveloped and sheltered at that age). I'm guessing serious urges through puberty, experimentation, curiosity and lack of control of hormones. My brother and I were very close, and always around each so that might have also led to doing it with him rather then anyone else. Also, I don't remember physically forcing him or threatening him in any way and there was no malicious intent behind it. Looking back at it I wish I never did it but at the time it felt 'normal' and mutual for some reason.

Now I've heard this kind of stuff is somewhat common amongst siblings at a very young age but I'm a little concerned and worried because technically I was not a 'child' anymore. I could have technically been considered a young 'teenager' at the age (can't remember due to how long ago it was). I think I was maybe 14-16yrs of age. My therapist said that this stuff is somewhat common and that although I wasn't a child, mentally and cognitively I was still acting as a kid. Also, because my family was extremely overprotective and sheltering that It could have stunted my overall development and I could have had the mental state of a younger child without realizing it. I also didn't have barely any friends and I was very attached to my brother which could have brought us closer to age in terms of development.

Would anyone have some more insight or personal experience on this type of stuff that could help me understand things better or help with the regret and shame ? And also would it be a good idea to bring it up with my brother ? It bothers me in terms of embarrassment, shame and disgust of what I did and also bothers me in the possibility of how it might have affected my brother

I'm thinking of doing it just to apologize and see if he remembers it but that might cause more harm then good. It's never been brought it up yet and he never used it against me. Our relationship is alright at the moment, we talk occasionally and when we do its a pretty positive and friendly interaction. We're not super close as of yet but we're on good terms as compared to years ago and its slowly getting better. We've tried to hang out a few times and he's generally nice to me and we help each other out whenever needed. It's hard to judge since sometimes he looks really stressed out or bothered by stuff but his behaviour towards me doesn't seem like he totally hates me so I guess its better then what I think. Hes got a lot going on in his life and he might have personal issues unrelated to the incident that hes going through.

Also, We've had the typical sibling rivalry growing up like most have had themselves. Plus a dysfunctional parenting environment as well. I just want to make sure he's not affected negatively with what happened and explain to him that it was just stupid kids being curious/experimental and was never done intentionally to hurt him and move on from this whole thing once and for all. I also have anxiety and some OCD symptoms which makes it ten times worse.

Thanks in advance for any insight you may have. I appreciate it !
DaSilva1727
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Re: Remorse & Shame over Sexual experimentation with sibling

Postby Snaga » Thu Aug 30, 2018 1:42 am

Duplicate thread- please direct replies to

remorse/topic208999.html

thanks
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