Our partner

Applying online comments to oneself

Open Discussions about Remorse Issues.

Moderator: sprock

Applying online comments to oneself

Postby sprock » Sat Aug 18, 2018 11:19 pm

Hey all,

I've seen posters talk about this before, but I was just wondering how common it is... because, while at heart I think it is navel-gazey and even narcissistic, I still regularly find myself reading negative comments about abusers and paedophiles online and applying them to myself... or, more precisely, my brain says that if those people online knew about me and my own crimes/abuses (not going to recount here - if inclined my earliest posts detail these) they would say precisely such things, if not worse, about me, so the comments I'm reading are effectively about me... or, rather, they are hypothetically about me, but the hypothetical image in my real is so vivid and scary that it feels real.

The latest instance of this today came in reading replies to this Twitter thread about a 23-year-old in a relationship with a 16-year-old:
https://twitter.com/redditships/status/1030548821732941830

One post asking for him to be murdered has 2,000 likes and another calling for him to commit suicide has almost 1,000. Generally the consensus is that he is a paedophile.

Part of my brain wants to weedle out of applying such sentiments to myself b/c I was not long turned 21 and my ex- a couple of weeks away from turning 17 when we first got together. While I have managed to internalise the fact that I am a child abuser and sometimes even that I am a child rapist (though effectively protected by UK law) I find it hard to internalise the fact that I am a paedophile, even though I know that I was an adult "dating" a child and thus absolutely one according to the modern, standardly-accepted definition.

On a day to day basis I keep myself going on the grounds that my suicide would really hurt my family and those who love me, but when I read threads like this it seems that it would be pleasure, joy or healing to far more. What's 3,000 vs. my small number of loved ones? I don't know.

I don't even really need or want reassurance. It is what it is. But company and mutual recognition are comforting even among abusers where really comfort isn't deserved.
sprock
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1113
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:17 am
Local time: Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Applying online comments to oneself

Postby Starboy14 » Tue Aug 21, 2018 7:16 am

Nooo you should nottt feel guiltyyy. In my country it is even better and parents are more happy ehen they know that girls are dating older guys. It is just a perspective.in my high school all the girls dated college guys and it was and ii is normal. Girs are on a much faster and higher mental developmental stage than guys when theoretically having same age. Example girl is 16-17 but on, a mental level she is like a guy of 21-22 years old. Pleaseee don't feel guilty, trust me, parents in my country are mzch more haooy when gitls are in safe hands of older guy. Luvr in peace :D

-- Tue Aug 21, 2018 8:21 am --

And whattt a chuild abuser, you call yourself... O please you musttt stop with that nonsense. Pleaseee my man. Don't ever look back for something that society is trying to do. I mean in conversations with my college peer guys they don't see a problem, in fact they would like to date girls of that age.it is really considerd normal. Sorry for my writting mistakes. I wqs writting fast in a hurry. Cheers :)

-- Tue Aug 21, 2018 8:37 am --

I forgot to tell you that my ex prior to me when shw was 16 dated a guy of 27 years old. And her pernets knew about it, and didn't have any problem with that.
The age is so relative. I mean I got into puberty at the age of 16 haha, while my peers got there at the age of 14... At the age of 14 I was playing with toys, while some of my peeers were smoking weed. I meannn, mannn, can you see the nonsence you are putting yourself in. Pleaseee don't do itttt. You ARE NOT AN ABUSER!!!!! NOT 1% CLOSE TO THAT POINT. PLEASEEE, PLEASEEE STOP ACCUSING YOURSELFFG. I am soooo sad that ######6 context of society I live in is not applaying in your mind buttt please try toooo. In mediteranean coutnry, eastern balkan where I am situated it issss normal as saying hello to your neighbour... I honestly can not believe that you want to kill yourself for something like that.... DONNN'T. You really can live and musttt live in peace. This post in my opinion of yours is like the leasttttt worrying post on this forum that I have read. Now go there in world, enjoyyy, start meditating, gain wider perspective and enjoy life. :D
Starboy14
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2018 7:21 am
Local time: Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:32 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Applying online comments to oneself

Postby sprock » Fri Aug 24, 2018 11:16 pm

It is strange and headache-inducing how cultural differences can seem to make the difference between being doomed/irredeemable or not. As an Englishman I feel it was really stupid and unwise for me to get involved with American culture full stop. It is very easy to assume that our two countries are really similar because we speak the same language, but actually I think England is more similar to other European countries, despite our leaving the EU.

The Asia Argento child rape case isn't helping, but I'm trying to resist reading much about it. Outside of the few articles I've read there probably isn't much more of the grim, sad story to learn... and the comments are predictable.
sprock
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1113
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:17 am
Local time: Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Applying online comments to oneself

Postby danielk58 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 12:39 am

Definitely I can relate to this thread strongly, it's so easy to become absorbed in the comments of strangers on the internet, to personalize them to oneself (even if some of the comparisons are superificial) and to suddenly feel like an irredeemable monster deserving of eternal punishment, because that's how you'd think others would perceive you.

I have a few incidents from my past on my mind (I have posted about them before), although the one I can relate most to what you're is the time I saw a street prostitute a few years ago in a foreign country. I never stopped to think about the possibility she could have been underage, something which tortures me to this day, knowing there's a chance I committed a serious crime and am now just living my life without appropriate punishment. I tend to feel that way, even though I know in the case that she was a few months underage, I doubt my actions alone caused her much harm. At least on an intellectual level, I know that obsessing about it won't do much good,but that doesn't stop the obsessive thoughts from returning sometimes.

I think it's worth remembering a couple of things:
1) Twitter and the internet skews towards people who find fulfillment in declaring their opinions loudly and succinctly. I imagine that can be empowering to some, especially survivors. But it's not necessarily a fair representation of how the majority of society - or even the people who post such opinions - might feel about a particular individuals situation if they knew that person/had greater context into the events leading up to that indvidual's "crime", whether it actually caused harm to the victim, and subsequent remorse.

2) what you or I for any human being "deserves", in the moral sense of the universe (whatever that is), isn't really dictated by popular opinion.

I know you're pretty committed in how you frame your own past and moral culpability. Personally, I definitely thiink the age gap between a 21 year old and a 16 year old is morally dicey, I still wouldn't put it in the same category as something like Roy Moore as a 35 year old preying on a 14 year old - there are so many girls from my high school that dated older guys and I doubt they would all label their boyfriends as sex criminals, even looking back on it a few years later.

Obviously, though, that's just my own opinion and I totally understand what you mean about how headspinning it can be to receive such diverse and contradictory opinions, or how when some people unequivocally label something (like the Asia Argento case) as "child rape" it can make you feel that there are no shades of grey. To me, that's pretty strange, given that age of consent laws are so variable between countries and states, but I can understand why, given the great harm that can be caused by age power imbalances (something which may well be true in the Asia case), it can be empowering for many to make things black and white like that.
danielk58
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 5:03 am
Local time: Thu Apr 18, 2019 5:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Applying online comments to oneself

Postby Starboy14 » Wed Aug 29, 2018 9:46 am

Great post Danielk58! Look sprock I think that you should not look at things as black or white. DanielK got it right! States, countires, continents, I mean the culture itself is very subjective and different. I am telling you in the mediteranean countries this age gap is normal like taking your dog out. Seriously, without exagerating things.
Perspective is what you need to heal my dear friend, but with american posts and western oversexualized fears are spinning your mind backwards. Trust me, before internet, all of this was considered normal. Just 20 years ago. I respect and am to people being moral beings in any manner, but let us not go too deep into black and white zones. Few months or years do not make that of a difference!! Look at yourself and honestly tell me do you see that much of a difference between you when you were 20 and are 23. How much really have you changed? I am 22, and looking back, have not changed that much.


In fact let us bring this. Most guys who are at the age of 16, 17 would dieee to date girls of age of 21-25. One of our friends did that, and we were all jelaous of him. Do you think that now at the age of 22 he feels sexually assaulted? HELL NO! He says that was one of the best experiences of his life to this day! Do you think that woman now feels like she has done harm to him? Hell nooo! They still talk normally, and are great friends! :D


So please, give yourself more perspective and don't just look at posts that go against you, because you really don't have to worry at all. It is not fair. I mean fair journalism includes both sides of the story, never only one. Live in peace sprock :) and take care.
Starboy14
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2018 7:21 am
Local time: Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:32 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: Applying online comments to oneself

Postby sprock » Fri Aug 31, 2018 11:23 pm

Thanks both of you :)

I get what you mean w/r to Mediterranean cultures and even here in Britain, Starboy - but ultimately that just confirms how stupid/entitled/wrong I was to bring any such assumptions to American culture on top of my regarding those assumptions as wrong in-and-of themselves.

However, I have come to increasingly feel that it is not good to try to define oneself in journalistic terms. Tabloid newspapers and comments sections *do not* have the final say on morality or condemnation. :)

EDIT: and neither do Youtube "to catch a predator" shows... Erg IDK :(

It frustrates me seeing the people behind such channels hailed as heroes when if you look at their other "prank" videos they coerce homeless people into demeaning themselves on camera and other cruel and bullying pranks, but they are respected in the thousands as ethical heroes :?
sprock
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1113
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:17 am
Local time: Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:32 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Remorse




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: mc73 and 8 guests