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Get over paranoia of past?

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Get over paranoia of past?

Postby coffeetogo39 » Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:08 pm

I’m 25 now and my cousin is 21. When I was 13 and he was 9 we began experimenting sexually. First with our hands and then our mouths. We gave each other oral on and off over the years until I was 23 and he was like 18/19. It was always consensual and never cohereced. At one point I was feeling really guilty and couldn’t shake the idea that I was somehow a child molestor or that I would get in trouble and my life would be ruined and I would be a sex offender. Through therapy and research on the internet and here I realized that my experiences were pretty normal and that I didn’t really have a reason to worry. My mother left me when I was like 9 months old and my therapist thinks I could have a fear of abandonment and that my mind attaches to this experience because the other is unconscious. Now with the me too movement I get this feeling that I’m going to get in trouble down the road and I’m pretty paranoid. I’ve talked to my cousin about it and he thinks I’m crazy and he’s okay with everything that happened and never thinks I did anything wrong and says he’d have no reason to say anything anyways because it would wreck his life too. Part of me feels like this is normal, another part of me feels like I’m doomed and I’m going to get in trouble. These things are in the past and were both adults. How do I get over the paranoid thoughts I’m having, especially since I think their pretty unlikely to happen.
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:37 pm

Well arguments that you don't need to worry is that y'all started as kids. That it was consensual. But I understand where you'd get paranoid. But if nothing's ever come of it, and as long as it went on, it sounds as if it was a pleasant diversion, nothing more... usually those things seem to fade away long before the ages y'all stopped, but apparently you both seemed to continue to enjoy doing it.

I'm curious as to why it did fade away at all, at that late age? Just time to move on? And are we talking opposite or same sex?
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby coffeetogo39 » Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:08 pm

Snaga wrote:Well arguments that you don't need to worry is that y'all started as kids. That it was consensual. But I understand where you'd get paranoid. But if nothing's ever come of it, and as long as it went on, it sounds as if it was a pleasant diversion, nothing more... usually those things seem to fade away long before the ages y'all stopped, but apparently you both seemed to continue to enjoy doing it.

I'm curious as to why it did fade away at all, at that late age? Just time to move on? And are we talking opposite or same sex?


We are both males. The older we got the less frequent it became to the point where it wasn’t purposeful anymore. I think a lot of that had to do with the fear I had and guilt I would feel after. I just feel like no one would understand and instantly label me as a pedophile and my life would be over, I realize that’s a helluva projection of my thoughts and pretty far from the truth. It’s just figuring out how to deal
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:34 pm

Hardly a pedophile, I'd think. You were both kids, and wouldn't you have ditched him for someone younger?

Not trying to apply labels. I happen to be Bi. It seems a lot of these stories, esp the same-sex experimentation, you know, you discover the opposite sex and kinda grow out of it relatively quickly. I didn't, though, because of my orientation- if I could have continued indefinitely as you two did for years, I would have.

Also sounds as if this could have been a comfortable routine for the two of you.

You're right in saying this is pretty out there in your head. You're going to have to find a way to assure yourself that it's okay and no one was harmed by this. I'd imagine there are many stories such as yours.
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby JessicaLuR » Tue Aug 07, 2018 4:59 pm

What you did was perfectly normal and the fact that it was consensual makes it perfectly fine. What isn't good is your paranoia and guilt over what you did. That seems to me that it is causing you way more problems than you actions. You have to learn to live with yourself (if you knew me you would think this was a funny statement, coming from me, with all the problems I have living with myself, but it is still good advice and is what my therapist tells me, all the time). You acted in a normal way, your cousins doesn't have any problem with it, the only real issue seems to be your guilt.
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby coffeetogo39 » Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:24 pm

JessicaLuR wrote:What you did was perfectly normal and the fact that it was consensual makes it perfectly fine. What isn't good is your paranoia and guilt over what you did. That seems to me that it is causing you way more problems than you actions. You have to learn to live with yourself (if you knew me you would think this was a funny statement, coming from me, with all the problems I have living with myself, but it is still good advice and is what my therapist tells me, all the time). You acted in a normal way, your cousins doesn't have any problem with it, the only real issue seems to be your guilt.


I think I’m paranoid because I’m worried that even though it was consensual and we were similar ages that since I broke the law I should be punished and thus my thoughts go to my life being wrecked and me being a registered sex offender and feeling as if I don’t deserve happiness. And even though my cousin says what we did was fine and he has no reason to tell I still feel like I will get in trouble and I just picture this grand scene of me being “found out” but perhaps that stems from the recent Me too movement and I just associate with that. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s crazy to think I would get in trouble down the road now that we’re both adults and he’s okay with it and doesn’t want to tel anyone anyways. I guess I just picture someone being out to get me and don’t know how to calm that fear
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby JessicaLuR » Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:42 pm

I can understand what you are feeling. Guilt can be really ingrained (and, like I said, I should probably be the last person to say "get over it" as I can't do that, myself) and it can take over your life. I don't really know what can fix that. For myself I try to "reality test" in the sense that I try to look at things logically and repeat to myself what I think is the reality of the situation. Sometimes that works for me, but not always. But I can say this: 1) if you don't tell and he doesn't then no one will ever find out, 2) I don't think anyone would look to dig up anything like that to punish you (it happened a pretty long time ago and has ended and it doesn't sound at all like you are looking for children to have sex with), 3) it really isn't uncommon what you did. I hope that you can start to feel better about things. Like I said, I really don't think what you did was a problem, at all. The real problem is your feelings, now. If you ever want to talk or need support please feel free to message me.
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Re: Get over paranoia of past?

Postby Snaga » Wed Aug 08, 2018 10:25 pm

At the risk of pushing the politics rule, I'm going to add here I don't know why you should associate with #metoo. That's mostly a girls only club, ain't it? Cousin isn't a girl.

It was in the end, consensual, and your cousin obviously doesn't have any bad feelings from this. Worrying over technicalities like how old you were, he was, at various points along the way is pointless at this point. You were both kids when it started. You're both adults now. He's cool with it. If you ain't gotta worry about him- you ain't gotta worry. You're torturing yourself for no good end. If y'all enjoyed it, then try to remember it fondly as a phase y'all went thru, don't beat yourself up over it. It was something y'all shared, and you both got into it, and you're both now grown up and moved on.
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