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I messed up as a kid

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I messed up as a kid

Postby A7X:D » Sun Aug 05, 2018 10:39 pm

Long post.: 
Ok when I was 5 my friend of 2 years started to take advantage of me (I'm guessing) he used to make me sick his p***s and a** for years. Back story I found it really hard to make friends as I was shy and got bullied he was my only friend. He knew that so times he would pee on me and say if I didn't do things he wouldn't talk to me again and I didnt want him to leave so I did. I didnt like it at first but I guess it grew on me over the years. Around the age of 10 I moved away and we slowly stopped talking and I thought that was the end of it. A year later i started to get dreams about it and it made me question if i wanted it. One night I was sleeping in my little sisters bed and the thoughts came into my head so I turned to my sister who was 6... I asked her if she wanted to try stuff.. and she said yeah.( thinking about it I dont know how she knew what it was besides the point) she we did something go in or anything like that we just pressed our body's together if that makes sense. That went on for about a month then she told my mum and she flipped understandably. She scared me real bad to the point I denied all knowledge of it and that was it. A few weeks later she asked me to do it again and I told her to go away that it wasn't right.
We left it there... or so I thought around my 16th birthday I started to get anxiety and I didnt know why then it got worse and worse and worse. The thoughts came to my head of guilt and sadness but I was still to scared to tell so I tried to kill myself.. probably a bit over reaction but I couldn't take the guilt of what I had done I just wanted it to end. A few days went by and i eventually cracked and ran upstairs crying to my mum and broke down and told her my sister didnt lie that I did. She was mad at me and i kept saying I'm really sorry. She told me to go to bed and she'd talk in the morning. Next day she took me and my sister into the front room and sat us down and that I started crying again begging my sister to forgive me and I'd do anything to take it back. My mum shouted a bit and I hugged my sister and promised her I'd protect her the rest of my life.
Now I'm 22 and I still get really bad anxiety about all of it but now I dont want to stir up old memories for everyone else. I dont want my sister to (if she has forgot) remember them. I now have a wife a kid and my sister is still close to me I guess. She still hugs me and acts like a sister to me but I still hate myself. Should I try to forgive myself and my old friend or should I keep suffering.

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Re: I messed up as a kid

Postby Starboy14 » Mon Aug 06, 2018 5:34 pm

Omg, that is so sad story. Not for what ypu have done but for what you are going through. Please forgive yourself, you are being too hard on a child you were back then. You didn't do anything at all. Please, you were a victim as a boy by your friend who was a child himself too. As adults we now are capable of seeing things retrospectively but forget that we sholid not beat our selves too hard, beacuse if we had this knowledge and matured state of mind we would never do it. That is the point of growing up. We are all humans, and nowbodyyy trust me, nowbody has clean sheets. Your mum has already talked with two of you early on, so try your best to forgive yourself and alsooo try to meditate and try to get a context. That will help you a lot. You didnt cause anything. We are all judging like it has happened yesterday, and with our brains living in past like it is now it is pretty hard to live. But you will get better and you must work on it. Trust me meditation, living in now, forgiving youself as a child will and must help. Beating up will only make your life miserable. Please do it for your family, toughen up, and get better. Lots of support and love my friend :)
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Re: I messed up as a kid

Postby Dnester » Mon Aug 06, 2018 9:41 pm

You were reinacting your own abuse. Also remember children sometimes make bad choices (exspecially if they are abused) and they dont have the ability to understand the repercussions of those choices. Forgive yourself and be kind to you.
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