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Not Sure How to Move Forward

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Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby Taffer24 » Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:35 pm

This will be a bit of a story, and a bit of an informal introduction. I'm 25, socially awkward and introverted, haven't had a job for nearly 3 years. My early life was fairly typical, though I lived with the parents of my biological father (who was working overseas) for the first 5 years of my life before I was adopted, I've never met my biological mother.

I have above average intelligence (110-120), but I can never stay focused on things I have little interest in, so I barely scraped by in highschool with C's and D's. I did manage to pull my life together 3 years after highschool, completing the Comptia A+ exam to become a computer tech, but ended up working for the next year and a half in unfulfilling desk tech support jobs.

Now here's where things get interesting. Over the years I grew very close to my grandparents, the parents of my biological father, as did my adoptive parents. I'd go visit them on weekends, and occasionally receive updates on my biological father (whom I would eventually find out was hiding a secret life).

Eventually my biological grandfather ended up in a nursing home with Alzheimer's disease, and my biological grandmother died from breast cancer a half a year later. My grandmother had a falling out with my biological father, and had told me that she had updated her will to ensure that everything would go to me instead. She kept on hinting that i'd be very wealthy in the near future, but she didn't tell me that the cancer was serious.

When she died, no recent will was discovered. A will drawn up in 2004 indicated that all assets/wealth was to be split evenly between my biological father and myself. She died before I got my first job, and none of the assets were to be divided until my grandfather passed away in the nursing home 3-4 years later.

My adoptive mother became the executor on the will, and somehow managed to divert the entirety of an insurance policy to my name (the lawyer assures us it was all above board). So I eventually ended up with $100K immediately after my grandfather died, and another $75k nearly a year later when everything was settled. My biological father "only" received $75k, and to this day I haven't had the heart to tell him that my adoptive mom had worked against him, and that my biological grandmother had intended to write him out of the will entirely.

Soon after I received the first 100k, I moved out of my parents home into an apartment, intending to get a job and invest, but I didn't realize the downward spiraling path I was on. The last few months before moving out of my adoptive parents house, I had taken to drinking heavily, multiple 750ml bottles of rum per week. It became so bad that I hid the bottles in boxes out of embarrassment, taking them with me to dispose after the move. The habit continued in my new apartment, even more severely without prying eyes.

As a socially awkward teenager, I had never known affection from girls, and I eventually became addicted to pornography as a result. I now had the $ to "remedy" this situation, I employed the services of a call girl, thinking it would just be a one time thing, but my propensity for alcoholism and my desire for sex compounded into a new addiction. I spent the next 18 months of unemployment burning through ~5K per month, on call girls, expensive new toys, top shelf alcohol, expensive food/restaurants, cab rides. A quality of life that I knew I could not sustain.

At some point during all this I reconnected with my biological father, soon discovering that he wasn't quite the terrible person my grandmother had made him out to be. Somehow he had managed to overcome his adhd in his 20's and attain a Master's degree, probably due to the massive pressure from my grandmother, discipline that I didn't have. It served him well in his cover job, as a professor in Asia, while in reality he was working for the government, as a special ops field agent. He hid all of this from my grandparents, trying to protect them and me. In return it seems my grandmother disowned him, as he was unable to return and become a father to me as he had promised.

So here I am now, incredibly lucky to have received 175k at a young age, but it was unearned $ that I didn't deserve, and I burned through 100k on pointless leisure, and gave away another 10k to a friend in need (at least some good came of this). I'm trying to figure out how I let this happen, why I felt so powerless to stop it. I have managed to overcome my alcoholism with great difficulty, and I haven't seen a call girl for 2-3 months, but it seems to have taken a great toll on my health, and there is so much I need to do to turn my life around. I'm in near constant full body pain, and doctors can't identify the problems, I'm taking pain killers every day just to get things done, but I can't seem to overcome this combination of pain and lethargy.

Now that I have some mental clarity, I've had some time to reflect on what I have done, and one of the largest sources of guilt is that I didn't give my adoptive parents any of this money. My adoptive parents were always there for me, and I love them very much, they are nearing retirement and could certainly have used the money far more than I.

The only thing I can think of is that I was resentful toward my mom for diverting the insurance fund to me. I didn't think it was fair that my biological father was cheated out of the 50/50 split in the will, even though my grandmother made it clear to me that she wanted me to have everything when she died. I couldn't believe that my mom would do such a thing without ulterior motives.

My resentment only grew when I reconnected with my biological father, and learned how much he cared for me and regretted being unable to return due to his employment. Yet my adoptive parents have made it clear that they want nothing from me, I recently offered to help them out with some credit card debt and my mom refused outright. They say they just want the best life possible for me, and that only makes me feel more guilty.

If I could go back in time, I'd have made an effort to stop my mom from diverting the insurance fund. I'd have "only" received $125K, and then I would have written my parents a check for 50% of it, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I know now that money cannot buy a fulfilling life, I've come to understand that I am not responsible enough to do the right thing with a large sum of money, and that it can create serious problems. I can't tell my parents what I've done, certainly not about the dozens of prostitutes, I can't tell my biological father what I've done either. I feel like I owe them all the world, and yet I can't even get my own life together. I don't know if I can overcome this, my solutions so far have involved turning off my emotions, giving into a numb outlook on life. I do not have a suicidal personality type, but I know I can never find fulfillment with the guilt hanging over my head.

I now have an understanding of my capacity for selfishness, irresponsibility, and addictive behavior.
I'm living a much simpler life now, saving money where I can, trying to get a job, any job. I'm finding that I'm actually happier the less money I have, but I know I need to make the rest of it stretch as far as possible to cover retraining and starting a new career. Once I am back on my feet maybe I can work toward making all this right. I'll probably never be able to support a family, nor is any woman likely to want a guy who has been with 2 dozen prostitutes, but at least I can work toward making things right somehow.
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Jun 17, 2018 12:17 am

as for the inheritance, that's simple. it wasn't for you to decide. you can't blame yourself for that.

as for squandering so much money, lots of people do just that. they think that money can buy them happiness, and it doesn't.

as for the 2 dozen prostitutes, again, money doesn't buy you happiness. there's little point in feeling guilty about this. my guess is that they aren't.

the rest is down to you. it's your life. only you can live it. and i wouldn't rule out someone wanting to share that life with you either.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby Taffer24 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 12:39 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:as for the inheritance, that's simple. it wasn't for you to decide. you can't blame yourself for that.


I could have prevented my mom from manipulating the inheritance, all I had to do was tell her that I didn't think it was right, odds are she would have respected my wishes.

as for squandering so much money, lots of people do just that. they think that money can buy them happiness, and it doesn't.


Doesn't make this any easier. I know that many people squander money that has no value or responsibility attached to it (lottery winnings), but this is different, it should have meant something to me that my grandparents trusted me to do the right thing with the money, to make something of myself. They'd be turning in their graves right now.

as for the 2 dozen prostitutes, again, money doesn't buy you happiness. there's little point in feeling guilty about this. my guess is that they aren't.


It has little to do with an expectation of prostitutes buying me happiness. I was never trying to buy happiness, I was desperately trying to satisfy a multitude of sexual cravings/fetishes fueled by porn and alcohol. I had no disillusions that it would lead to happiness, I was just chasing the dragon. My concern is that I can never tell my parents this, as mom would never want anything to do with me again, only Dad might forgive me if he lived long enough to get over it. If I end up broke and my parents need my help financially some day, I'll have to explain to them that I wasted it, and I'd have to tell yet another lie if I still wanted them in my life. I don't care about inheriting anything from them, my sister deserves it more than I do, I just don't want them to have to deal with the pain of disappointment. Telling them would be selfish.

the rest is down to you. it's your life. only you can live it. and i wouldn't rule out someone wanting to share that life with you either.


On this we can agree, I can't allow myself to go broke and rely on my parents as I used to, I am not well and truly on my own. I need to throw myself into a career and start making good money, I don't have any other choice. Hopefully I don't die of whatever health issues are plaguing me first. I've recently found out I may be facing cancer, as a result of genetics and the heavy drinking, so all of this may be meaningless anyways.
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Jun 17, 2018 12:54 am

some people will always find some reason to crucify themselves. it almost seems that we believe guilt is good for us. it isn't. if you're smart, you'll let go of those things you can't change and embrace those you can.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby Taffer24 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 1:26 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:some people will always find some reason to crucify themselves. it almost seems that we believe guilt is good for us. it isn't. if you're smart, you'll let go of those things you can't change and embrace those you can.


Your advice has been noted, though I can't honestly say I find it particularly helpful right now, perhaps I'll see the value of it later on.
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Jun 17, 2018 1:34 am

Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:some people will always find some reason to crucify themselves. it almost seems that we believe guilt is good for us. it isn't. if you're smart, you'll let go of those things you can't change and embrace those you can.


Your advice has been noted, though I can't honestly say I find it particularly helpful right now, perhaps I'll see the value of it later on.

... i'm cutting to the chase here. i could give counter-arguments to all the points you raise. but this could potentially go on forever. and it's 02:35.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Posts: 4917
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Tue Feb 19, 2019 10:33 am
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby Taffer24 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:02 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:
Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:some people will always find some reason to crucify themselves. it almost seems that we believe guilt is good for us. it isn't. if you're smart, you'll let go of those things you can't change and embrace those you can.


Your advice has been noted, though I can't honestly say I find it particularly helpful right now, perhaps I'll see the value of it later on.

... i'm cutting to the chase here. i could give counter-arguments to all the points you raise. but this could potentially go on forever. and it's 02:35.


You're not under any obligation to do anything. You could give counter arguments if you feel the need to provide a more convincing perspective, or you could just accept that you haven't really given me a lot to go on other than a "You'll get over it" and "Guilt is bad". Your welcome to provide anything you like, arguments, professional qualifications, but I don't have any expectations of you, and if my lack of faith in your advice offends you, well you'll get over it ;)
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:08 am

Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:... i'm cutting to the chase here. i could give counter-arguments to all the points you raise. but this could potentially go on forever. and it's 02:35.


You're not under any obligation to do anything. You could give counter arguments if you feel the need to provide a more convincing perspective, or you could just accept that you haven't really given me a lot to go on other than a "You'll get over it" and "Guilt is bad". Your welcome to provide anything you like, arguments, professional qualifications, but I don't have any expectations of you, and if my lack of faith in your advice offends you, well you'll get over it ;)

... i think you're missing the 02:35 point. i've just knocked off 4 chocolate biscuits and i'm about to knock off a cup of tea. that was going to be it for the night!
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Posts: 4917
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Tue Feb 19, 2019 10:33 am
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:31 am

Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:as for the inheritance, that's simple. it wasn't for you to decide. you can't blame yourself for that.


I could have prevented my mom from manipulating the inheritance, all I had to do was tell her that I didn't think it was right, odds are she would have respected my wishes.

... you weren't the executor of the will. it wasn't for you to interfere with its execution. indeed, such interference would have been illegal. and i really do doubt that she would have respected your wishes, which are rather retrospective anyway.

Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:as for squandering so much money, lots of people do just that. they think that money can buy them happiness, and it doesn't.


Doesn't make this any easier. I know that many people squander money that has no value or responsibility attached to it (lottery winnings), but this is different, it should have meant something to me that my grandparents trusted me to do the right thing with the money, to make something of myself. They'd be turning in their graves right now.

... your grandparents did what people have done throughout the ages. they gave their inheritance to their relatives, in this case you. that you feel you squandered it has nothing to do with them giving it to you. only you think that it does.

Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:as for the 2 dozen prostitutes, again, money doesn't buy you happiness. there's little point in feeling guilty about this. my guess is that they aren't.


It has little to do with an expectation of prostitutes buying me happiness. I was never trying to buy happiness, I was desperately trying to satisfy a multitude of sexual cravings/fetishes fueled by porn and alcohol. I had no disillusions that it would lead to happiness, I was just chasing the dragon. My concern is that I can never tell my parents this, as mom would never want anything to do with me again, only Dad might forgive me if he lived long enough to get over it. If I end up broke and my parents need my help financially some day, I'll have to explain to them that I wasted it, and I'd have to tell yet another lie if I still wanted them in my life. I don't care about inheriting anything from them, my sister deserves it more than I do, I just don't want them to have to deal with the pain of disappointment. Telling them would be selfish.

... i think you're somewhat in denial if you think you were happy to go down this path and that it was nothing to do with seeking the happiness that you lacked. that aside, i doubt you'll ever be put in the position that you envisage. and you certainly don't have to mention the prostitutes, even if you do have to admit to squandering the money. i squandered £25,000 on my ex-girlfriend. some of my friends know this. none of my family do. join the club. it happens.

Taffer24 wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:the rest is down to you. it's your life. only you can live it. and i wouldn't rule out someone wanting to share that life with you either.


On this we can agree, I can't allow myself to go broke and rely on my parents as I used to, I am not well and truly on my own. I need to throw myself into a career and start making good money, I don't have any other choice. Hopefully I don't die of whatever health issues are plaguing me first. I've recently found out I may be facing cancer, as a result of genetics and the heavy drinking, so all of this may be meaningless anyways.

... something gets all of us eventually. it's not what kills you that counts. it's how you've live up until you die. and that's about attitude. if what you want to do is punish yourself for you past mistakes, i'm sure you'll reach an earlier grave that if you don't. misery suppresses the auto-immune system, whilst happiness enhances it.

now, i think i need another cup of tea! and it's only 03:30 too.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Not Sure How to Move Forward

Postby Taffer24 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:22 pm

I don't think you quite understand the situation I was/am in. If you can't understand that there are sometimes strings/responsibility attached to $. If you've never had people in your life who love you and want the best for you, want you to make something of yourself with their financial support. If you've never been so addicted to something that you crave it even when you know it won't make you happy in the long term. If you can't see the difference between squandering your own earned wealth vs being handed vast sums of $ that you know you've done nothing to deserve, while the people who love you believe that you do deserve it, because you'll do the right thing with it.

Well I think there is a lot you don't understand for lack of experience, and I hope for your sake that it remains that way. Respectfully, I disagree with your advice, it is not helpful, and perhaps you should stick to moderating. Remorse is a perfectly healthy and useful emotion, without it we become cold and detached, living a falsely care free existence, pretending we are happy. I am not needlessly punishing myself with guilt, I am merely recognizing it's value in identifying where I have gone wrong, to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Perhaps this was a mistake, I need an intelligent and well trained therapist to work through this, not a forum moderator playing armchair psychologist.
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