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Feeling like I deserve to die

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Feeling like I deserve to die

Postby decembersun » Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:21 pm

I feel really guilty about some things I did when I was younger. As a teen, I discovered that I had a medical fetish - particularly the idea of being anesthetized. I started watching videos on YouTube of people being put under (these were clips from medical shows, not porn) - I would imagine what it would be like to be in their position, and I would get off on it. Eventually I realized this was pretty creepy to do - these people did not consent to me using the videos for my own sexual gratification. The worst part - some of the people in the videos were underage. I am not, nor was I ever, attracted to children. I was imagining myself as them, and the age was irrelevant to me at the time. Even so, the fact that I did that at all makes me think that I'm a pedophile. Around 17-19 when I did this, so I was old enough to know better.

Anyway, I can't kill myself because it would upset my family too much, but at the same time it feels like the only thing I can do to atone for my past actions.
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Re: Feeling like I deserve to die

Postby Snaga » Sat Jun 16, 2018 6:15 pm

Just sounds like an odd fetish to me. I really, really strongly think that this is so not worth feeling remorse over. Especially as you were fantasizing being the one put under- I'm at an utter loss to see how you have victimised anyone. Are you running some kind of fetish site, reposting videos? Even more so, are you posting how you want to ###$ these people while they're under?

No......?

Not even wanting to do anything to those people- instead, simply placing yourself in the place of the person put under. Far as I'm concerned, you haven't done anything evil.

I'll give you odd. I won't let you have creepy, since you want to be the one anesthetized. I don't see that as being remotely creepy.
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Re: Feeling like I deserve to die

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:57 pm

my guess is that someone somewhere has felt guilty about every single sexual desire known to mankind! :roll:
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Feeling like I deserve to die

Postby Dnester » Sun Jun 17, 2018 1:04 am

I agree with shock the monkey.
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Re: Feeling like I deserve to die

Postby perejil » Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:53 am

decembersun wrote:Anyway, I can't kill myself because it would upset my family too much, but at the same time it feels like the only thing I can do to atone for my past actions.


It's to your credit that you feel that way, but I think you're being too hard on yourself.

You're not a pedophile. No one would think you're a pedophile from this.

You certainly don't deserve to die. You have nothing to 'atone' for. What you did is probably not even that uncommon.

There are WAY weirder fetishes to have.

People have sexual fantasies about others all the time. People flat out masturbate to fantasies/pictures of real people all the time. Those people don't 'consent'. They didn't have to, they didn't know anything about it, and besides: your imagination is your imagination. You're not required to get consent before you fantasize about someone. No one got hurt, inconvenienced, or even made uncomfortable by what you did.
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Re: Feeling like I deserve to die

Postby Snaga » Sun Jun 17, 2018 6:40 am

perejil wrote:There are WAY weirder fetishes to have.



^^ that

Not to trivialize it, but to borrow from Zaphod Beeblebrox, I get stranger fantasies than that free with my breakfast cereal. This is pretty tame. And you're not a pedophile.
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