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childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

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childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby gamersbyte » Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:12 am

When I was around 13ish, I engaged in childhood sexual exploration with a male relative (I'm female) who is a few years younger than me. We are adults now. He was the one to initiate it. We both consented, there was no actual penetration. We explored twice then I stopped the contact. I felt guilty as hell for awhile afterward, but now the memories and guilt has come rushing back.

This is where it gets worse. When he was around fifteen, he admitted to his parents that he was molesting his sister, who was around five years old. According to overheard conversations with my dad, he engaged in bestiality and another victim was his grandmother. He went to a group home for treatment and is getting released soon.

The main reason I'm feeling so guilty is that he ended up sexually abusing his sister, an animal, and his grandmother, and maybe some adult victims, and he is a few years younger than me. I do realize that it was consensual, he was the one to initiate it, and we were kids. I also realize that he had issues before me, but I was too young to fully understand. Those issues being that he had access to pornography at a young age and witnessed his parents having sex multiple times. Also, if I was fully responsible for his actions, I would be in trouble by now, right?

Anyways, the guilt has gotten so bad where I've been getting panic attacks. I feel like I can't tell anyone, and I sure as hell can't tell anyone in my family, or even friends. I want to discuss this with my therapist since it is obviously affecting my mental health but I am afraid that she would be required to report this to the authorities. Is there a way I can bring it up to see if she would be required to report it?

Let me make a few things clear: I do NOT plan on abusing any children, I am not interested in children like that. I was NOT involved with any of the abuse he performed. I am not interested in talking about what happened with him, in fact, I don't really want to have any contact with him if I have a choice? (It's hard, though, because my parents fostered him before he went to the group home, and are still in contact with him, and he occasionally stays at our house while he visits family).

Has anyone had a similar situation? How did you get the courage to bring it up to your therapist (if you had one?) How did you stop feeling guilty if you did? The fact that I can't tell my parents or family or friends this lest I want to be deserted is a big part of why I'm feeling so terrible.
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Jun 07, 2018 1:58 pm

there is a interesting part to this story that appears to have completely escaped your attention. your parents chose to bring this boy into their and your home. it is they that caused this situation to occur, not you. yet you have exonerated them without even a thought. and, from what you say, you were the victim here. and you were under the age of consent too. so, i can't see how you could possibly be to blame in any way for what happened.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 07, 2018 3:47 pm

Oh no. Oh no. Oh, no no no. I stopped reading at the you weren't planning on abusing bit.

YOU... did not make him into a molester. He initiated it, as Shocky has pointed out. I don't know how many kids experiment sexually before they pass, say, 14 years old, but it has to be a lot of us. I know I did. I firmly believe most of it is relatively harmless, and fades away naturally, as kids grow out of it, and grow up enough to know what's appropriate, and what's not.

Obviously, little Horndog didn't grow up and out. That ain't on you. I know it's natural to think that, and beat yourself up for it, but you didn't even initiate it. You were just another horny 13 year old that did a little fooling around when the opportunity presented itself- and it did the presenting- to you.

No, that kid got problems that probably started before he lived with you. As far as I've read, normal childhood sexual experimentation has no affect on the outcome of a person's sexuality. It might be where you become aware of what floats your boat, but just two kids, a couple or three years' close in age, messing around? You didn't make him a perv, sweetie. You need to get that out of your head right now.

Sweetie, if you're in therapy, try and get up the nerve to get this off your chest. And remember, if family finds out- you're just another of his victims, okay? He initiated it. Having said that, I know you don't want family to know, and I wouldn't either. But try and talk about it to your therapist, okay? This kid so so not worth you having panic attacks over.
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby gamersbyte » Thu Jun 07, 2018 7:25 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:there is a interesting part to this story that appears to have completely escaped your attention. your parents chose to bring this boy into their and your home. it is they that caused this situation to occur, not you. yet you have exonerated them without even a thought. and, from what you say, you were the victim here. and you were under the age of consent too. so, i can't see how you could possibly be to blame in any way for what happened.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear enough in my story. He moved in with my parents after the molestation thing, so his parents wouldn’t have their other kids taken away. At that point in time I was in college. I wasn’t living at home when he moved in.

Logically I do know that, because he did sexual exploration with his stepsister as well. So even if I said no he probably still would done what he did. But I’m still beating myself up over it lol.

-- Thu Jun 07, 2018 2:34 pm --

Snaga wrote:Oh no. Oh no. Oh, no no no. I stopped reading at the you weren't planning on abusing bit.

YOU... did not make him into a molester. He initiated it, as Shocky has pointed out. I don't know how many kids experiment sexually before they pass, say, 14 years old, but it has to be a lot of us. I know I did. I firmly believe most of it is relatively harmless, and fades away naturally, as kids grow out of it, and grow up enough to know what's appropriate, and what's not.

Obviously, little Horndog didn't grow up and out. That ain't on you. I know it's natural to think that, and beat yourself up for it, but you didn't even initiate it. You were just another horny 13 year old that did a little fooling around when the opportunity presented itself- and it did the presenting- to you.

No, that kid got problems that probably started before he lived with you. As far as I've read, normal childhood sexual experimentation has no affect on the outcome of a person's sexuality. It might be where you become aware of what floats your boat, but just two kids, a couple or three years' close in age, messing around? You didn't make him a perv, sweetie. You need to get that out of your head right now.

Sweetie, if you're in therapy, try and get up the nerve to get this off your chest. And remember, if family finds out- you're just another of his victims, okay? He initiated it. Having said that, I know you don't want family to know, and I wouldn't either. But try and talk about it to your therapist, okay? This kid so so not worth you having panic attacks over.

I’m going to try my best to bring it up my next therapy appointment. I’m just scared shitless that she’ll feel like she’ll have to report it bc therapists in my state are mandatory reporters. It already doesn’t look good that I am older than him.
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 07, 2018 7:37 pm

It's natural to, and it is a good person that does beat themself up over something like this. Don't mean it's right to, though.
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby shock_the_monkey » Fri Jun 08, 2018 5:15 am

we all feel guilty about things. it's whether that guilt is warranted or not that's at issue here. as far as i can make out, it isn't. and i think you know that too. it's that irrational part of us that won't let go of something that's causing you a problem. at some deeper level, you feel that you need to in some way be punished. haven't you done enough of that already? over something that you didn't initiate, knew no better about and even stopped, i just don't see what you have to beat yourself up over. candidly, we live in a world that is obsessed with sex. there are double standards everywhere. the media is absolutely full of it. it's little wonder that people feel confused about it all. so, ask yourself this: in your heart of hearts, did you mean any harm by what you did. if the answer is 'no' (which i'm sure it is), just let this go. going all around the houses with it isn't likely to make you feel any better. indeed, i'd argue that it's already making you feel worse.

thinking about this, it's the age difference that's eating you, isn't it? but in reality age is only a very rough guide to maturity. just because you were a few years older doesn't mean you were mature enough to know any better. and being younger than you didn't stop him initiating this with you either. the fact here is that it was you that was led astray by him. the age difference is irrelevant, as the other examples of his sexual exploits that you cite makes clear.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby Snaga » Fri Jun 08, 2018 5:49 am

Somehow, I missed the reporting worry.

You're not children now, are you?

And he has a clear history of sexually abusive behavior.

His. GRANDMOTHER. Is older...




May be a SJW cliché, but c'mon. If this ain't #metoo, what is?

Still, I would be similarly paranoid. Just remember in the current climate, the word of a female, trumps that of a male. Your word, against anything he could say. This isn't schoolteacher having sex with one of her students. This is two kids, one of whom turned out to have a problem. But if you don't feel safe talking to your therapist, I perfectly understand.
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby gamersbyte » Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:50 pm

Something else I’ve been ruminating over: I did some exploration with the family members step sister as well. I was around 12 or 13 ish, she was 5 or 6 years younger, I believe. I proposed it. It was by ourselves without the male family member. I didn’t violently threaten her or manipulate her besides going “awe, please” or something like that, and didn’t just do it suddenly without her permission. It wasn’t as involved, just touching of the breasts, but I did propose something (touching of the genitals I believe?) that she said no to, which I listened to. I stopped it. I feel super guilty about it because I feel like if I didn’t do it then she wouldn’t have done it with the other family member, her step brother. She doesn’t seem to have any problems or trauma for it. I don’t wanna talk about it and bring up bitter stuff if it doesn’t need to be, you know? And we haven’t talked for years.

So another thing I’m beating myself up over. I feel like a disgusting person and that if any of my family or frinends knew they’d cut me out of their life or turn me into the police. I know I didn’t do it maliciously, it was plain old curiosity more than anything. I feel like I’m hiding some dirty secret and can’t face my family. I feel lik if I ever dated or got married the other person wouldn’t ever be able to know. Plus, the age gap really bothers me. I know that she was there and I was curious but I still fel slimy and gross. Another thing I feel like I can’t tell my therapist because of the age gap and I proposed this one.

The moments from both times replay in my head. And I imagine the father getting super mad at me and stuff, he already doesn’t like me. And I imagine telling my parents and upsetting them and getting kicked out of the house and sent to jail. I feel like I should tell someon in my family but I know I shouldn’t? But I still feel like I’m holding in a terrible dirty secret.

Pleas help.
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby shock_the_monkey » Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:18 pm

i spent the early hours of this morning trying to talk someone out of killing themself. and it seems that i failed. now, if i try really hard, i'm sure i can find reasons why i failed that would be my fault. actually, i've already been trying.

please try to see what you did in some sort of context. things like this happen. blaming yourself isn't accomplishing anything. you're just making yourself feel bad, and over something that hasn't really harmed anyone else. you're just imagining consequences with no basis in reality to support your imaginings. if this is all that you ever do wrong in life, you'll have been very blessed indeed.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: childhood sexual exploration guilt eating me alive *TW*

Postby Snaga » Sat Jun 16, 2018 6:02 am

gamersbyte wrote:I was around 12 or 13 ish



What happens in adolescence, stays in adolescence...

Let it go, sweetie. Don't be bound and determined to make yourself miserable.
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Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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