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At the end of my rope

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At the end of my rope

Postby NeverHadAChance » Sun May 27, 2018 12:54 pm

Please forgive the length of this post.

For years I've been struggling to cope with some very bad and inappropriate sexual behavior I engaged in when I was 14-15. I am male. I've been reading some of the posts made here and I feel like what I did is worse than the average sexual remorse post here.

I am now 31 and I still think about it every day and just wallow in remorse. I'm begging for anyone to help me. I think I'm spiralling towards suicide. I've actually run out of tears. They don't come out anymore.

I will write it out my background and the offenses in bullet points because I think it's clearer that way.

Please someone help me process this.

1. I was non-sexually abused by almost everyone around me at different times when growing up

When I was 5, my mom started taking me aside and pulling out a large kitchen knife on me over minor things (like me not wanting to go to bed). She'd make an unrecognizable, psychotic, enraged face and start pushing the knife into her carotid, and saying if I don't immediately comply, she'll murder me and then commit suicide, and it'd be my fault.

My dad made it clear that he believed my continued existence was a favor from him, and it wouldn't be immoral for him to revoke that favor. Whenever there was a fight, he would yell about ending my life, murdering me outright, although I did not sustain heavy beatings, but he terrorized me by making motions like he was going to murder me, like holding objects and beginning the motion to slam them on me lethally.

My younger brother realized our parents were not interested in keeping justice so he would bully me 24/7. I shared a room with him. If I told on him, we'd both get punished, and ANY fight, if it goes on long enough, could escalate to the knife thing with my mom, and the "murdering me" thing with my dad.

A teacher singled me out at school. This is not paranoia, it is a clear fact with clear evidence. It's not disputable. He emasculated me for years and once he even hit me.

The other students bullied me relentlessly too.

Everyone teased me for being a prude. Everyone else was talking about sex and masturbation and I understood the teachers/adults' complete lack of action as approval. So "everyone" was discussing sex like it's some trivial thing, and even the adults were rolling their eyes at me.

Everyone was physical with me. My parents would hit me. My classmates would repeatedly violate my personal space, they'd push me, trip me, break into my bathroom stall. A teacher slapped me on the face. One teacher would kick you for certain grammatical mistakes - not hard, but still dehumanizing.

Around puberty 2 girls touched me. I said no, but they didn't care.

Girls would look up my shorts in gym class and make comments.

This led me to believe, I was the prude because of my physical reservedness, while everyone else was normal in their physicality. Especially because the adults did not seem to ever intervene, so I took that as approval.


2. I got hit with a very severe but undiagnosed chronic illness at age 11

I started to have immense pressure behind my eyes and nervous pain throughout my body, similar to the jolt you get when you hit your elbow, but it went from my face, through my ribs and into my stomach.

I felt like I was dying. I had my parents take me to see several doctors but they didn't do anything, they didn't even try. They said it was probably anxiety.

My dad told me I had to deal with this myself, to shut up about it. I would bring it up occasionally like "I feel really bad, I need help" but they'd dismiss me. "We're trying to have dinner here! We're watching TV here!" I was desperate, I felt like I was dying.

The worst symptom? Brain fog. You know when you have a word on the tip of your tongue, but can't quite find it? I had that for EVERY kind of thought, I could no longer articulate complicated thoughts. My grades plummeted. I was in the top of my class before, but starting from here I was on the verge of flunking.

I also developed recurring UTIs which were just torturous. Afterwards I never recovered fully. A doctor told me to use soap on my genitals, which ended up causing severe long term genital pain.

Long story short: I was in excruciating, 24/7 pain. I was beginning to dissociate.

I later found out (at age 25+) that I was suffering from very severe food allergies that exacerbated most of the symptoms. But by then the damage was done, I already went through life with a permanent drunkenness / hangover. And I'm still NOT cured and continue to suffer, although I control it better now.


3. I did some terrible sexual things at age 14-15

My intention for my free time was always to stay home and read or play videogames, and not to hurt anyone. I'm an introvert. Maybe I'm autistic, who knows.

My manipulative parents basically talked me into getting a beach resort membership. At first I said no but they summoned their inner used car salesman and ended up convincing me to accept.

As mentioned above I did not have my own room. I could not masturbate. I would go weeks/months without sexual release even though my hormones were raging. And as it so happened, the only spare time I had to explore was the weekend. And I was forced to go to the resort during the weekend, and they would force us to spend 5-6 hours there.

My parents loved that they could ditch me in that huge place and spend time without me. If I didn't want to swim, my mom would manipulate me into it. "Come on, take off your shirt." She'd say it as many times as it took, in the end I'd do it and go swim, like some kind of manipulated zombie, doing what other people want.

At this point I'd been suppressing my health problems, powering through every day like I was able and normal.

Crime#1- I would masturbate in the pool and in the ocean when I thought nobody was looking. But now I'm sure I was seen.

Crime#2- We used to play wrestle with other kids. This was not ever sexual. Except one time, I was just so outrageously hormonal, and there was only 1 of the usual people we'd play with who was around. I started being weird with him. I started grappling but he said he didn't wanna play. I didn't stop, I was like "trolling" him to play as we usually do. I myself did not fully realize what I was doing.

At some point I got an erection and rubbed my crotch against him. He yelled at me! At that point I realized: "oh no, this is so wrong and creepy of me" and immediately stopped.

I am not even the SLIGHTEST bit gay!

Crime#3- I was so horny and at the same time mentally detached, I started looking for targets to experiment on. I did NOT end up doing anything, but at one point I was eyeing a girl who was clearly younger than me.

I was NOT and am NOT attracted to young people at all. It was more like searching for any object to try to take my sexual tendencies further. A large component of this was the physical pain I was in, I became so numb to everything and I was searching for any kind of relief.

Even though I did nothing, I am disgusted by the ease with which I had predatory intentions.


_____

Nobody intervened, nobody pressed any charges or anything.


4. I've been to therapy and did NOT benefit whatsoever

I've seen many therapists. They just don't care, they just hand wave everything away. They don't convince me that I'm not a monster. They just declare I'm fine but need to come back next time to continue to "process" things. And there's just no progress.

_______________


I feel I'm spiralling towards the end here. I'm writing this as a last resort of sorts. I cannot find it within me to forgive myself, my actions are just not forgiveable.

And I cannot move forward. There is nothing left for me in this life.

I am also very bitter because I feel my excuses hold some truth to them. I was abused 24/7 throughout my life.

I am very sorry for being dramatic. This is just my last cry for help, I'm dying and I need help.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby Dnester » Wed May 30, 2018 12:21 am

Well I dont want to hand wave your experience either. I dont think what you did was bad but you do. So its important you get the help you need. Suicide isnt the answer. Perhaps you just havent found the right therapist.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby NeverHadAChance » Wed May 30, 2018 7:19 am

Crime #1 would land me in jail and on the sex offender registry.

Crime #2 is straight up sexual assault, even if I stopped.

Crime #3 = I was dissociated enough that I could have easily pulled a Josh Duggar.


Most people seem to experiment when they are younger than 13. For me it was 15, which is considered too old to be experimenting. And I just lost all control.

I disgraced myself.

I've seen many therapists. I think there's no progress because I'm stuck in the past and there's just no changing the past.

And I "make excuses" when I talk about my own abuse, but I really believe being abused took me down that path. I would not have ever been in that situation had everyone left me alone. But this is considered "making excuses" and I'm told it makes my position even worse, like I won't take responsibility for my actions, even though I do take responsibility. I'm so conflicted about this.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby Snaga » Wed May 30, 2018 7:15 pm

I'm sorry, if you do not do things like that now, you simply can't judge yourself by the kid you once were, with the things you were dealing with. Were those good things to do? No. But in the end, it appears no one was harmed. You're going to have to put it down to 'live and learn' and move on. Beating yourself up over something you can't change, doesn't make you a better person. Seeing what you did, recognising it as inappropriate behaviour, and regretting it, resolving to not do it again, as it seems you have done, has made you a better person. Need to give yourself a break, mijo.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby sprock » Wed May 30, 2018 10:49 pm

You have to learn to be stoic and not define yourself by your behaviour as a child. The fact is at 31 you are literally a different person who who you were at 14-15. You literally have a different brain. Since it sounds as though there is no lasting trauma for anyone else, these are now just memories which shouldn't define you.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby NeverHadAChance » Thu May 31, 2018 9:59 am

Appreciate the replies. But I have to admit it feels "wrong" to just leave it. I will surely struggle with this for a long time.

It seems society itself has no idea what to do in situations like this. The public becomes like the audience in the Roman coliseum and want even juvenile perpetrators to be executed gruesomely. One parent shot his 15 year old son in the head for sexual misconduct. Meanwhile, the law and the experts seem to have the goal of rehabilitating the perpetrator and often no prison time is required.

It's crazy how polarized this issue is, and what's crazier is the fact that almost nobody is doing anything to prevent things like this from happening.

Everyone abused me physically when I was growing up. Isn't that assault? Why is that not considered illegal when you're beaten up as a kid? Shouldn't it be consistent that all unwanted touching is wrong? I got wrong the impression from being "handled" by everyone that touching was not such a big deal. And I'm sure thousands of kids grow up confused about appropriateness because of this.

I know in my heart that there was a naiveté and no real intent to harm or take advantage and it's just sad, all it would've taken to prevent it was a couple sentences that would clarify what's appropriate and what isn't.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby sprock » Sun Jun 10, 2018 10:24 pm

I certainly think that as a child adults in your life failed you in terms of duty of care and education. You should cut your childhood self some slack :)

And I am absolutely agreed that it can be frustrating within our society all the crimes that go unnoticed and all the millions of people who never self identify as criminals, but are - however, all you can do really is to work on yourself and inform others. There is always going to be hypocrisy in this world - but try not to let society's hypocrisies define you or eat you up inside.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby NeverHadAChance » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:06 pm

I find myself unable to let go.

One of the reasons is I want to say "I am against making excuses," but deep down I KNOW there is something important in my excuses. It's been eating at me. And I can't suppress it any longer.

I can't unsee the double standard that occurred in my life. Why was it OK for absolutely everyone to savagely torture me my entire life? Everyone let it happen. Many of the adults almost encouraged it.

It was only afterwards that I started to dabble with abusive behavior myself after being abused 24 hours a day for a decade and NOT getting any kind of sexual education. And yet: if the public knew my full story, they would not care about the chronic abuse I experienced and ONLY care about lynching me for the mistakes I made.

To put things in perspective, here's what a timeline would look like:


[----------------------------------------------------------------A--------------------------------------------------------------]
_____________________________________________________________ [--B--]________


A: everyone abusing me
B: my own misconduct

Is this justice? That everyone pushes me down the wrong path, and then when I finally go down that path, I am the only one held accountable?

___

"At least the general public cares about justice, right?"

Wrong. Nobody ever cares about the people who made the abuser. The general public is absolutely taken with bloodlust. That's what gets to me. What shocks me is the vast majority now has 0 compassion.

That's what eats at me. Say I want to go out and make amends. It's not possible with these dehumanizing, heartless people. They want blood, nothing more will sate them.

The point being: I am remorseful but it's just not right that these people would be the ones judging me. They are in many ways worse than me. How can I apologize to them, when I feel even with my crime I am still not as bad as them?

In fact, I daresay: I bet you that if you took any of those paragons of virtue calling for gruesome vigilantism and put them in my shoes, that they'd fare worse than me.

I was 14-15 when I failed to control my urges. Yet these people are adults giving in to bloodlust en masse.

__

To be clear: This doesn't mean that I am no longer remorseful. I continue to be deeply remorseful. My past haunts me every waking minute.

But the realization is this: I used to think that I have to pay my debt to "society." The truth is society itself is worse than many of us here. Society is the audience in the Roman coliseum, out to sate their bloodlust.

They don't care about true justice in the current social climate.

So I don't hold myself accountable to them.

If you are religious like myself, turn to God and ask for forgiveness. If not, then try to make amends privately. Certainly do not turn to these people in the general public. All they want is to eat you alive while claiming a moral high ground. They are worse than most of the remorseful people here.

At least the people here are human. Those people calling for gruesome corporal punishments are more monstrous than anyone here.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby sprock » Sat Jul 07, 2018 11:06 am

This is a powerful post and has given me a lot to muse on so thank you for that.
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Re: At the end of my rope

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Jul 07, 2018 9:35 pm

i have a very bad habit of telling people things that they don't want to hear. so, you have been warned.

it's very clear to me that you've had little in the way of love in your life. we learn to love others from the love that's shown to us. if no one loves us, we don't love anyone else. and we don't love ourselves either.

the bottom line here is that you're inability to love has made you lack compassion and mercy. you have none of these things for either yourself or other people or society in general. indeed, your sweeping generalisations demonstrate this in spades.

jesus put this very nicely: forgive them father for they know not what they do.

and that's the thing. you think people do know what they're doing. no. sorry. by and large they don't.

search your heart and try to find some forgiveness, both for them and for you.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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