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sibling sexual remorse thing

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sibling sexual remorse thing

Postby ausausausaus » Sun May 20, 2018 10:34 pm

At about 12, I asked my younger sister (6) to touch me in a sexually gratifying manner, in exchange for being allowed to play with one of my things. She did, and I asked her to go further. She said no, and that was the end. It stopped, and things went back to normal. I don't really understand why I did this. I don't think I can excuse it. I feel like a monster. Every time I see the word "rape" or "abuse" it feels like a slap in the face. Background on the behavior would be early exposure to pornography, early childhood instability, depression and aspergers, but that doesn't make it right, I think. At the time of this event my relationship with my sister was much colder.
I have turned 18, and my sister is 12. I am not a paedophile. My relationship with my sister is mostly positive, and as of late, we've become closer. She loves me to death. Still, I am afraid. Afraid of how much my actions may have traumatized her and of being forever branded a paedophile, ostracized from society, and of what she'll see me as when she grows up and understands the memory. I can't seek help. These thoughts have tortured me for the past few months. I don't know why they are coming to me now, because I have lived without these thoughts for most of the past few years. I have considered suicide. I don't know what to do. What do I do?
Every time my mind is given a chance to imagine, I see myself in prison. Marijuana helps sometimes, but sometimes it makes it worse.
I suppose this post is more shame than remorse. Sorry. The shame and fear are overpowering, but there is remorse there too. Feel free to tell me if I'm being terribly self-centered. If that's the case, maybe I need to know. Please help.
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Re: sibling sexual remorse thing

Postby Snaga » Mon May 21, 2018 1:23 am

ausausausaus wrote:Background on the behavior would be early exposure to pornography, early childhood instability, depression and aspergers, but that doesn't make it right, I think.


How about, just being 12? That's explanation enough, as far as I'm concerned. Kids will experiment. They will get younger siblings, cousins, etc., to do things- I mean, this story is hardly uncommon in these forums. Eventually it seems to go away and stop. Get just a little older, understand the inappropriateness, and it ends. I mean... not to sound harsh, but who are you? to think that you were born perfect, knowing everything and what constitutes proper behaviour?

Well of course you weren't. The Now you, isn't the Then you. The Then you, was just a dumb horny kid. We all have to go thru it. The Now you, knows better. I know you might insist that you DID know better, back then, but yeah not like you do now. You have filters and inhibitions and the ability to moderate your behaviour, as an 18 year old, that simply wasn't there at 12. It's called gaining maturity.

There seems to be this window where you're sexually aware, you've got these cool new hormones flooding you, and for a little while that's what runs the show. Well, you got away with what you could, and when you couldn't take it any further, it stopped. You didn't force her to do anything, you didn't even really seem to use the natural power imbalance from being the older sibling. You struck a bargain, and then the agreement ended. That really doesn't sound monstrous to me. Oh, if I were a parent I'd be sitting the 12 year old you down for a stern talk, but I really don't think I'd be like, turning you over to the authorities. Kids do crap like that. I'm guessing that if you'd had the opportunity to mess around with other kids closer to your age, you'd have done that- this may be my personal belief, but I really do think kids mess around/experiment with whomever's handy. Sometimes that's neighbourhood friends, sometimes that's cousins, sometimes that's siblings. As long as it isn't repetitive. obsessive, and it naturally ends as the kids get up past puberty and really begin to understand what's appropriate, and be able to control themselves, and doesn't entail traumatic coercion/abuse/physical aggression, I kinda think it's something best left in the past. It doesn't seem as if sister is unduly put out by it, she adores you, let it be.

Ask me, you need to let this go, put it down to being a dumb kid, and try and forgive yourself. And leave it in the past, unless later on Sister decides it's an issue. It may never be. Don't make it what it's not currently.
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Re: sibling sexual remorse thing

Postby sprock » Mon May 21, 2018 5:52 pm

I agree with Snaga that whatsoever possible you need to talk to yourself about this as you would any other 12-year-old :) Your behaviour was wrong, but it is vitally important that we make serious distinctions between the moral culpability of 12-year-old children and of adults and, as such, the moral meaning we attach to their actions.

You are 100% not a monster and that is a statement I would (quite literally) die on a hill for :)
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Re: sibling sexual remorse thing

Postby Starboy14 » Thu May 24, 2018 9:01 pm

Totally agree with both comments. :)
It is unfair to judge your childhood acts with the mind of a young adult. Let it stay in the past. It really was not something to be in so much worry.
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Re: sibling sexual remorse thing

Postby Treehugger89 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:58 pm

It sounds similar to my brother and me. I don’t want to add to your guilt, but I am pretty messed up. What has messed me up the most, is that I have to assume since he has never said anything, that he feels no remorse.

Maybe think if you can find a way to let her know you know it was wrong and you are sorry, without bringing up memories if she doesn’t remember? Or tell her that you want her to be honest with you if she ever feels treated badly by you? Something little and harmless to say could still mean a lot
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