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Something I did in my past

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Something I did in my past

Postby Rabthekebab » Sat May 19, 2018 2:12 pm

OK wow I can't believe I'm actually here typing this but I feel that letting it out may help. The guilt of this is ruining my life right now and my relationship.

Firstly I want to say that I have only done this once and have never hurt anyone physically or emotionally or wanted to. Technically in the UK I didn't even commit a crime but still a morally bad mistake.

So about 2 years ago when I was 21 I was searching for teen porn on the Internet (18+). Eventually something came over me and I got this disgusting impulse to see if I could come across 16/17 year olds, god I feel so horrible saying this. I didn't want to find it for any gratification but just to see if it was out there. I'm trying to be as honest as I can without making myself sick. I never came across anything like that thankfully but whilst searching looking at legal stuff I was randomly directed to a website that had underage girls who looked around 14. I wasn't aroused by this but nonetheless I still masturbated over it. I wasn't even attracted to them but yet I still did it. I hate myself so much for it. I don't have any attraction or urges towards younger girls and do not want to do anything of any sort with them. I believe they should be protected and have normal happy lives. Afterwards I realised what I'd done and reported the website which was later taken down and I'm assuming those involved were saved/prosecuted. I also reported a few others that I came across (not intentionally).

It hit me about a month ago and since it has been ruining my life, every moment of every day is taken up by obsessing over it. I feel so guilty being with my girlfriend even though it happened long before I met her. I guess I had made up for my mistake by reporting it and others. I never downloaded or looked for that filth as I believe it should be destroyed and the people who do download, share and create it should be punished heavily.

I can't really feel satisfied or happy with any moment right now and part of me wants to tell those closest or at least my girlfriend but I worry about making them suffer or if they don't forgive and accept me again.

I guess I just need to feel that I'm still a good person and not a monster because this was literally an isolated incident. A one time mistake that has possibly been rectified by having the website taken down and possibly others. Any and all opinions are welcome, I think I just needed to get this off my chest to start with. Thank you
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Re: Something I did in my past

Postby Unhappybutnotsad99 » Mon May 21, 2018 11:00 am

Hey man, here helping. So jumping right into it bro move on. It's nothing to lose sleep over. Firstly, I don't condone this and don't think it's good but you did one thing, that was morally wrong and didn't even end up finding anything and you know how you felt and that you had no devious intentions. Besides, if you're British 16 is the legal age. All together you were searching for 18+ it isn't your fault you found it. It's not your fault you found a girl who looked 14 from being redirected. As you say you don't have any attractions to younger girls so you're far from being a paedophile. Everything wasn't even done with intention which shows how petty it is.
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Re: Something I did in my past

Postby sprock » Mon May 21, 2018 6:49 pm

I think this was what Edgar Allan Poe would call an instance of the "Imp of the Perverse" - the narrator of Dostoevsky's Notes From the Underground talks about similar - that inexplicable urge to do something against your best interests and rational judgement. It is human. You did not contribute to abuse, but reported it.

While it in no way excuses my own behaviour, as someone who actually slept with a 16/17-year-old child when I was 21, I think it is worthwhile being honest about that fact that we British have a confused, hypocritical and sometimes even warped approach to sex and adolescent sexuality. It's a truism, but the tabloids' constant sexualisation of teenagers on one page and then prurient outrage on the next page over behaviour that exists on the very same spectrum they themselves engage in, causes a lot of cognitive dissonance. We legally define 16 and 17-year-olds as children and then teach our pupils in schools that 16 is the age of consent.

That is to say, some of your bad feelings are legitimate regret - but I think you are also, to some extent, registering and channelling a cultural malaise in this country much bigger than yourself. Try to shoulder your own responsibilities, but don't treat your soul like a tabloid headline :)

I don't generally quote from Theodore Dalrymple somce the man's a transphobe, frankly, with almost opposite politics to my own - however, on this specific subject he has written very perceptively:

On no subject is the British public more fickle and more prone to attacks of intense but shallow emotion than childhood. Not long ago, for example, a pediatrician’s house in South Wales was attacked by a mob unable to distinguish a pediatrician from a pedophile. The attackers, of course, came from precisely the social milieu in which every kind of child abuse and neglect flourishes, in which the age of consent has been de facto abolished, and in which adults are afraid of their own offspring once they reach the age of violence. The upbringing of children in much of Britain is a witches’ brew of sentimentality, brutality, and neglect, in which overindulgence in the latest fashions, toys, or clothes, and a television in the bedroom are regarded as the highest—indeed only—manifestations of tender concern for a child’s welfare.

There is no more powerful stimulus to emotional dishonesty than a guilty conscience, which perhaps explains why for a few days—but a few days only—the country was transfixed by the joint trial of Ian Huntley and Maxine Carr.

[...]

The case revealed the moral swamp that is contemporary Britain. Embarrassingly for the police, two of the investigating officers were themselves arrested soon after the discovery of the bodies for having child pornography downloaded onto their laptop computers. The press treated Huntley and Carr as if their guilt were already established beyond reasonable doubt—as if no presumption of innocence were necessary in their case—so much so that the trial judge had to consider whether they could receive a fair trial at all. And true to the principles of mob rule, whenever the accused appeared in court at preliminary hearings, a crowd of several hundred gathered outside the courtrooms, screaming, shouting, hurling eggs, and demanding the re-institution of the death penalty. They would have torn the accused limb from limb, had they been allowed to do so.

Oddly enough, many mothers saw fit to bring their young children into this melee. The children were clearly terrified, and many burst into tears, but the vengefully self-righteous crowd did not see its conduct as a form of mass child abuse. On the contrary, the mothers said they had come to demand the protection of children from perverts and monsters.
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Re: Something I did in my past

Postby Rabthekebab » Thu May 24, 2018 10:44 am

Thank you for your support guys. I'm getting better with this and am slowly starting to move on. The one thing that's holding me back is the decision of whether or not to tell my family and girlfriend. It happened long before I met my girlfriend and I don't want something long in my past to potentially ruin an incredible relationship. Another thing that's holding me back is the actual memory of it. The memory is hazy but I'm starting to remember one of the girls being quite young and it's really eating me alive, why the hell did I do it?! I feel so disgusted with myself. I also may have an idea as to what gave me the impulse. It wasn't the material I was looking at but more the fact I was looking at them if that makes any sense. I'm not attracted to children so it can only really be the logical explanation. I do have a thing for taboo but not illegalities such as this. I'm trying to really put it behind me and move on with my life but it's still a struggle. I just wanna forget and go back to my normal life again.
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Re: Something I did in my past

Postby Rolodex23 » Fri Jun 01, 2018 5:16 am

I am a 53 year old female. Please give yourself permission to let it go. It is time to be kind to yourself and accept that was a choice you made and never again. Thus you learned something. If you have not already- pick a time today that you let go of self punishment.
I have had some bad guys in my past- you are not a bad person. You are open about what you did and have genuine remorse -that is taking responsibility. Like those that posted before me- let it go!
Diagnosis: C-PTSD, Dissociate Disorder, DID
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