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Am I a monster?

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Am I a monster?

Postby Bino5505 » Sat Mar 10, 2018 3:17 pm

Hey guys before you read this sorry for the length and I hope I can get some help here.

So basic lay when I was around 13 and my sister was 9 we were playing this stupid game which involved her holding onto me when she got scared (that’s all I can remember.) and it was Summer so it was ridicualously hot so we had our clothes off and long story short I said to her “ pretend when you get scared you hold my doodle (what I called my penis). She did without second thought and I didn’t think about it again either until I was about 14 I think and it hit me like a truck and ever since i have suffered from depression and crippling anxiety which I believe is a result of this memory(I am now 18). I cry myself to sleep many nights thinking about it and how bad of a person I am. However me and my sister both attended a very alternative school which was all about creativity and art and there was only one class in each form And it was very small and we were all very innocent. honestly had no idea what sex was until I was around 14 even then I didn’t understand how it worked as I had never had any sex ed (which sucks). From what I can remember the whole experience was innocent but my anxiety is always giving me thoughts like “maybe you did know it was wrong. Your a pedo.” This is the kind of thing that has been eating away at me for years and it has also caused me to avoid my sister a lot and she has no memory of it (I can’t be sure).

Basically what I’m asking is:
1. Has anyone else had anything relatable? How did you deal with it?
2. Am I a monster?
3.How do I bring up the courage to talk about it with my therapist?

Ps. I know 13-14 is a bit old for these behaviours to be considered “exploration” but I was a very innocent child until I started high school.

Thanks for reading hope you can help put my mind at rest.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby avatar123 » Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:04 pm

I don't think this one incident is representative of your entire life or your character. It was the kind of stupid thing that kids sometimes do. You are not the first and will not be the last teenager to have not thought the possible consequences of something through before acting. Many of us are only still here as adults because of sheer luck.

Clearly you understand it was wrong and feel remorse for it. There's not much more to be gained from dwelling on it. I doubt it had much impact on your sister. If she does remember it, it would likely be with the same embarrassment that you feel.

If it really bothers you, you could apologize to your sister and ask her forgiveness. I think it's likely she would forgive you. That should help to finally put it to rest in your mind.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby HislilPrincess » Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:48 pm

No nothing like this has ever happened to me. Yes you were too old to do what you did, it isn't natural or normal. Are you a monster? I don't think what we think will be of any help however you are not someone I would consider healthy or stable. If this personally offends you please keep in mind you asked right? I'm not known for sugar coating my thoughts and opinions. You need help from a professional not a random stranger on a message board. Good luck.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Bino5505 » Sun Mar 11, 2018 12:37 am

HislilPrincess wrote:No nothing like this has ever happened to me. Yes you were too old to do what you did, it isn't natural or normal. Are you a monster? I don't think what we think will be of any help however you are not someone I would consider healthy or stable. If this personally offends you please keep in mind you asked right? I'm not known for sugar coating my thoughts and opinions. You need help from a professional not a random stranger on a message board. Good luck.



Yes I would agree I am not 100% healthy and stable due to my anxiety and depression but if you are referring to the incident I disagree. I was 12 and there was no sexual intention at all as I said before.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Bino5505 » Sun Mar 11, 2018 8:55 am

avatar123 wrote:I don't think this one incident is representative of your entire life or your character. It was the kind of stupid thing that kids sometimes do. You are not the first and will not be the last teenager to have not thought the possible consequences of something through before acting. Many of us are only still here as adults because of sheer luck.

Clearly you understand it was wrong and feel remorse for it. There's not much more to be gained from dwelling on it. I doubt it had much impact on your sister. If she does remember it, it would likely be with the same embarrassment that you feel.

If it really bothers you, you could apologize to your sister and ask her forgiveness. I think it's likely she would forgive you. That should help to finally put it to rest in your mind.



Thanks for the response. I just want to clarify I was actually 12 when this happened and there was no force or threats or tricks and no sexual intentions at all
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Bino5505 » Sun Mar 11, 2018 8:57 am

HislilPrincess wrote:No nothing like this has ever happeneda to me. Yes you were too old to do what you did, it isn't natural or normal. Are you a monster? I don't think what we think will be of any help however you are not someone I would consider healthy or stable. If this personally offends you please keep in mind you asked right? I'm not known for sugar coating my thoughts and opinions. You need help from a professional not a random stranger on a message board. Good luck.


I’ve been doing a lot of research on the topic an according to multiple experts if the age difference was less than 5 years this is apparently common? Not sure what you are referring to in terms if my not being stable. If you are referring to my mental health I’m not sure you have a good understanding of how it works
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby bottledthoughts » Sun Mar 11, 2018 11:38 pm

I dont think your current mental health and stability has much relation to an incident from when you were 13. There was an an incident from my childhood with my sister and I have received different opinions from different therapists on whether it would be considered normal childhood experimentation or abnormal behavior, but even if it is abnormal, what is important is that you feel remorse and would refrain from the same behavior currently. Please have compassion for yourself and recognize that you were young. A therapist might be useful if only to help you not be so hard on yourself, but do not in any way think you are a monster.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby sprock » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:24 am

You are not a monster nor are you a pedophile going by what you have written. I agree that sadly lack of proper sex education with a focus upon consent (esp. in the States) is dangerous and even harmful. You were a child and now as an adult should not feel defined by your behaviour when you were at the very real level of your brain development a different human to who you are now. However, that is not to say that you would not benefit from therapy. While I personally feel HislilPrincess is being overly harsh (though, of course, her opinion is her own and her prerogative - as is the case here as long as people remain non-abusive) I personally would chat a middle path between what she has said and daniel's opinion. While I don't believe that something's "normality" is always a good reflection of someone's immorality, incest taboos are deeply rooted in human culture for both evolutionary and ethical reasons. Your sister was younger than you and - whether unknowingly or not - the way in which you got her to hold your penis was deceptive. This was not reciprocal experimentation.

However, you were a kid and as such should speak to yourself about this as you would any other 12/13-year-old - sternly, maybe, but with compassion and a recognition of your youth and ignorance. You did something stupid and wrong, but it wasn't monstrous.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Bino5505 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 5:00 am

sprock wrote:You are not a monster nor are you a pedophile going by what you have written. I agree that sadly lack of proper sex education with a focus upon consent (esp. in the States) is dangerous and even harmful. You were a child and now as an adult should not feel defined by your behaviour when you were at the very real level of your brain development a different human to who you are now. However, that is not to say that you would not benefit from therapy. While I personally feel HislilPrincess is being overly harsh (though, of course, her opinion is her own and her prerogative - as is the case here as long as people remain non-abusive) I personally would chat a middle path between what she has said and daniel's opinion. While I don't believe that something's "normality" is always a good reflection of someone's immorality, incest taboos are deeply rooted in human culture for both evolutionary and ethical reasons. Your sister was younger than you and - whether unknowingly or not - the way in which you got her to hold your penis was deceptive. This was not reciprocal experimentation.

However, you were a kid and as such should speak to yourself about this as you would any other 12/13-year-old - sternly, maybe, but with compassion and a recognition of your youth and ignorance. You did something stupid and wrong, but it wasn't monstrous.


I would not at all think it was deceptive. There was 0 coercion and at the time i had no idea why i thought it was a good idea. I am speaking to my therapist about it and have read online about similar things and its not uncommon at all. I also feel like princess was a bit triggered by the story as this is an abuse forum lol but its the internet everyone gets triggered. I also want to mentionthat experts say that an age gap of more than 5 years makes it uncommon and abuse and this was not so it does not fall anywhere near that category. I have spoken to most of my family members about it and they were not worried at all and said stories likr that are common
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby jane21august » Mon Mar 12, 2018 6:21 am

You were just a kid and at that particular point in time, you didn't even know what you were doing. So don't be so hard on yourself. It was just a bad phase and please don't repeat it again. Forget about what you did in past and be a polite and kind brother to your sister.
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