Our partner

Am I a monster?

Open Discussions about Remorse Issues.

Moderator: sprock

Re: Am I a monster?

Postby avatar123 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 8:12 am

If you are talking about this with your therapist and family members, that's the right way to go about processing it. Maybe eventually you will be able to discuss it with your sister as well. That would be the best way for you both to put it behind you, and be sure she wasn't unduly affected. In the event that she was, then she deserves the same opportunity and level of care that you are receiving. I'm sure you would want that for her. It's really about healing, at this point.

The 5-year thing is not a sharp boundary, it's one of several aspects that can be considered in evaluating what happened, and whether there was intent to abuse. I think Sprock was pointing out that it wasn't a case of mutual experimentation. You were the older and the leader. But that alone doesn't mean there was intent. Sometimes people make poor choices that lead to unhealthy behaviors and situations. The mistake can be made by one person with others then following along. The effects can be abusive for all, even if there was no intent to abuse, that's why it's good to be sure everyone is ok, or gets care if they need it.

Obviously there are different opinions here, mine is that if the person is honest about their role in what happened (takes responsibility), and there wasn't intent to cause abuse or distress, that shifts the focus away from blame and towards healing. Blame is only really useful if responsibility is not accepted, or there is a risk of recurrence, such that the survivor must be protected. I don't think either applies to your case.
avatar123
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 588
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:33 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 03, 2020 5:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Am I a monster?

Postby sprock » Mon Mar 12, 2018 1:01 pm

avatar123 wrote:The 5-year thing is not a sharp boundary, it's one of several aspects that can be considered in evaluating what happened, and whether there was intent to abuse. I think Sprock was pointing out that it wasn't a case of mutual experimentation. You were the older and the leader. But that alone doesn't mean there was intent. Sometimes people make poor choices that lead to unhealthy behaviors and situations. The mistake can be made by one person with others then following along. The effects can be abusive for all, even if there was no intent to abuse, that's why it's good to be sure everyone is ok, or gets care if they need it.


Thanks, yes that is what I was trying to point out. I will admit I was troubled by "pretend when you get scared you hold my doodle" since it is this which felt potentially deceptive - however, I accept that you were ignorant of what you were doing due to your age :)

At the end of the day I agree that talking this through with your therapist and family members is the best course of action and that it is not something you should ever be calling yourself a monster over.

Best,
Sprock
sprock
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1168
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:17 am
Local time: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Quoth » Tue Mar 13, 2018 3:07 am

@OP

Well first off, I laughed at ‘doodle’. That is a magnificent euphemism for a penis.

I don't think you're a monster at all. My reading is that this was one incident, and personally I would chalk it up as one of the stupid things children do. Unless you have a deep seated urge to have minors generally handle your ‘doodle’ I’d say your not a pedophile.

I think the chance that any damage was done is extremely limited. Given what is known about trauma in childhood you probably did more damage if you picked on someone at school.

You should talk to your therapist about it because they will undoubtedly have heard stories far worse than your own. Equally being supportive and non-judgemental is part of their job and if they can't manage it they should be seeking new employment.

The bottom line is that people change and learn from our mistakes and we ALL do stupid things as kids in one form or another. It does not necessarily follow that who you were then is who you are now.
as if in a broken jug for one backwards moment
water might keep its shape

https://youtu.be/VivuMRzQyw0
User avatar
Quoth
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1455
Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 2:03 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I a monster?

Postby digitalhippy420 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 5:14 am

you cant live your life beating your self up about it every day.

I don't think its my place in life to judge anything but you sound healthy and normal.

you changed your ways and from what your very shorty explained didn't force anything on her, and my understanding is that you may not have even affected (effected?) her.
digitalhippy420
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 4:04 am
Local time: Mon Aug 03, 2020 4:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Bino5505 » Sat Aug 01, 2020 4:37 am

sprock wrote:
avatar123 wrote:The 5-year thing is not a sharp boundary, it's one of several aspects that can be considered in evaluating what happened, and whether there was intent to abuse. I think Sprock was pointing out that it wasn't a case of mutual experimentation. You were the older and the leader. But that alone doesn't mean there was intent. Sometimes people make poor choices that lead to unhealthy behaviors and situations. The mistake can be made by one person with others then following along. The effects can be abusive for all, even if there was no intent to abuse, that's why it's good to be sure everyone is ok, or gets care if they need it.


Thanks, yes that is what I was trying to point out. I will admit I was troubled by "pretend when you get scared you hold my doodle" since it is this which felt potentially deceptive - however, I accept that you were ignorant of what you were doing due to your age :)

At the end of the day I agree that talking this through with your therapist and family members is the best course of action and that it is not something you should ever be calling yourself a monster over.

Best,
Sprock


Update it’s been over 2 years since I made this post and unfortunately I’m still really struggling with anxiety and depression I have also since been diagnosed with OCD and the guilt and shame has not gone away. I still have suicidal thoughts regularly and just feel terrible. My family and therapist keep telling me to forget about it and it was innocent but I can’t let go and as a result I push my sister away from the fear that I am going to hurt her. I’m starting to realise how much my POCD plays into how I latch onto thoughts and blow them up out of proportion but this memory from my childhood still feels really big to me but no one else it seems. I just feel like I don’t deserve to live.
Bino5505
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 3:00 pm
Local time: Mon Aug 03, 2020 9:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Am I a monster?

Postby sprock » Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:22 pm

I'm sorry to read that. How long have you been in therapy for?
sprock
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 1168
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 5:17 am
Local time: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Previous

Return to Remorse




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: blueocean2005 and 21 guests