Is my boyfriend the perfect gentleman or a vampire?

Hello. I am a young woman from the United Kingdom currently studying in an university. I have had only two relationships to date. The first one ended rather quickly because he was immature and very selfish in bed. The second one is on the verge of driving me insane. Please allow me to elaborate...

I met my current boyfriend during my studies. He is tall, has a very powerful (hence attractive to me) physique and is very handsome. I was immediately attracted to him when I saw him. And I loved how he daringly returned all of my stares at him before we got to know each other. When I met him, I found him to be a very good mannered and kind person, and we became good friends very quickly.

It did not take long before we started flirting extensively with each other and I was amazed at how he turned sentences so pleasantly to flatter me. We then had dates and ever since consider each other to be partners...

For a long time, our relationship was just too good to be true. He has always been (still is) very thoughtful, considerable and respectful to me. He is also very good at cooking, much better than me, and constantly cooks me food and other treats. In addition, he helps me with my studies very willingly and plays computer games with me. I wanted to get a lot closer with him very soon and that was when the problems started to begin.

When we first had sex, he completely blew my mind. I was just laying down there unsure of what to do and enjoying the amazing trip. The problem which bothered me was, there was no way for a him to be a virgin, as he stated that he was a virgin before he had sex with me. He was like a playboy in bed. He must've been lying to me, I thought. So I had to confront him about this and I did. He said that he extensively studied how to please women in bed and learned meditation to discipline himself to last longer. As crazy as that sounds, it upset me very much because I felt very inadequate. He basically trained himself for sex and I was just some girl. I still feel bad about this to this day.

Anohter problem is that he never looks at me during intercourse and compulsively looks away from me. This made me feel as if I am very unattractive so I had to ask him why. He said that is because he is detaching himself to last longer. What is the point of having sex in the first place if he isn't even thinking about me?

The real problems are emotional rather than sexual. He does flatter me with words at times but most often he hangs around the house like some robot either studying, cooking, or using his computer. I always try to catch his looks but he just stares blankly to nowhere, like ignoring me on purpose to tease me. I always try to get closer to him, to cuddle and such, but he never initiates such things except to seduce me. That is anohter thing. He says that he is "somewhat uninterested in sex" because he claims that he gets very little out of it. I can see where he is coming from because he pushes himself way too hard for it to be any fun for him and he never admits what he wants or his fantasies but I want him to. I want to be his queen in bed. I want him to have desire for me just as I desire him. Whenever I try to return his trickery in bed, he just pushes me away because it doesn't help him last longer. This just pisses me off. Doesn't he understand that I would like to make him happy just as he wants to make me? Maybe I am being too judgemental but I can't take this anymore. As I said, he almost never approaches me emotionally and says that he "doesn't like to feel vulnerable". Shouldn't vulnerability be shared? One day I asked him how can I make him happier and he said that I can try to cuddle with him more often because he likes skin contact with me. Okay, but why doesn't he want to initiate it? I would love it. It feels like he is somehow draining me emotionally. Am I being unfair or are there serious problems in this relationship?

He also has so damn many female friends compared to male ones. Of course, he in an ever-so-kind person, helps people whenever he can and I am constantly concerned about how some of his female friends approach him. He doesn't respond to them of course, not to my knowledge anyway, though I can't help but feel protective and concerned. This wears me out a lot.

I feel like if I left tomorrow he wouldn't give a damn because he would think that he did everything "right". Why should he care when he can find someone else easily with his... abilities? He says that he loves me I am not sure that he loves me anymore. Maybe he is deceptively trying to satisfy his ego proving to himself just how a good partner he can be. I cried during one night thinking about such things.

Now I have to say that I love him. I would like your insight about my situation. I want our relationship to get better and share my life with him. Maybe I am exaggerating and he is just emotionally shy and trying to show his love in other ways. I would appreciate your thoughts about what must be done. How should I approach him about my feelings?

Thanks for reading!

female friends
doesn't look at you during sex
respectful
good cook
vampire?

is he gay? I don't get relationships, but the title was funny and I'm an expert on gays XD

Hun, you need to speak to this guy, and arrange a time to talk where you can both be interrupted. Tell him that it's essential that you talk. You might want to write down what you actually want to say to him. If he is unwilling to talk, or if the conversation goes around in circles, without you feeling heard or validated, then this would be a red flag. If he is willing to talk, and appears to see your point of view, and respects your feelings, then you will need to see if his actions match his words. If not, this would be another red flag.

A good way to approach this type of conversation would be to use what is known as the "praise sandwich", in which you start by telling him truthfully what is good about him, how he makes you feel wanted, what you appreciate about him, then in the middle part of the conversation, you tell him assertively without aggression the things that you're not so happy about. You finish the conversation once again by praising him.

Good relationships need to be centred around honest communication, equality, freedom to express a wide range of emotions, personal autonomy and space, respect and affection. If you feel that your relationship lacks any of these qualities, you may need to ask yourself where it is going. A person should never be in a relationship because of need and fear of loss. If you feel that this is the case with you, you may need to speak to a therapist to help you to understand where these feelings of dependency came from.

The first thing you need to do here is to communicate with him, and tell him everything that you have told us here. Please let us know how you get on.

Either he is gay or he is gonna pull an Alucard on you.

If he is gay maybe you guys can be friends , if he is a manipulative vampire , well then I suggest you start running .

Good luck.

As it was suggested, you need to talk with him about your feelings and see how he responds. As masquerade said, if you notice the conversation going circular, he dismisses your feelings, etc., consider those to be major red flags. IF that happens, my suggestion would be to get out of there...quick.

I haven't been around the board long myself, but have done quite a bit of reading due to a "relationship" that I became wrapped up in. While mine sounds slightly more torrid than yours, I feel you may be starting down the path that I am now at the end of. You can read about it here: (histrionic-personality/topic91342-20.html).

I couldn't see the forest for the trees until I came out of the fog. I would read as much as I could about narcissistic, histrionic, and borderline personality disorder as I could. There are some things in your posting that echoes to me what I experienced. Once you are armed with that knowledge, then you can start making informed decisions for yourself. Keep in mind that no two PD afflicted persons will act the same. Some have multiple disorders that overlap and so on.

As a male, my gut instinct tells me that something isn't right. Im not saying that to harm you in any way. But, you need to be on a higher guard than you are currently. First off, stop questioning your sanity. That's how it all starts. Trust me, I know. Maybe its something simple or maybe he isn't at all who you think he is. I also know that, the girl I was involved with was the epitome of perfect when we started. Now, after asking some questions (and talking to others), I found out she was nothing more than a mirage. Painful, yes. Am I ashamed for "falling" for her? No. My post will explain why.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Based on your description - he's living "by the book (literally)" - it's as if he learned this steps from a "guide on how to please a woman and how to be a man" - a cook, a playboy, a gentleman... he reminds me some shallow/superficial character from a romance movie - the one that charms the girl at first sight "with his skills" - but after he spends some time with her, after he wasted all his tricks - he's stucked "on what to do next and how he's suppose to behave - how to be real..." - since "this part was missing from all the love stories that he read and all the romance movies that he watched".

He could be gay (as someone mentioned above) - but not aware of this yet - maybe even ashamed of this term... or a vampire (as u put it) somebody that doesn't know how to "act" like a real person - that in case he's not that capable in terms of empathy (even those that aren't - learn how to fake their behavior by wearing a mask... maybe he's still learning...).

On a side note - if you read between the lines... you can see a guy that was trying really hard to be "the perfect bf" - but he's inexperienced with relationship life (you being his first)... and this is how he is behind "the mask" - more introverted and some of the things you expect from him (to be more natural) don't come so easy to him...

If you really like this guy - you could use masquerade advise (and the "praise sandwich" approach) - and let him know of this things and see how it's going from there... if likes you back - he might realize that he's macho man "mask" doesn't work on a long term relationship - and he needs to improve from others points of view (starting with - being more natural, more open... less macho).

Also - the things you mentioned... could also fit the description of a narcissist (it takes one - to know one... i guess ) ... i might have been a lot like him in my teenager days - learning what communication means and how important it is, learning to care about what the person has to say - helped me... but you have to understand that - this is against the narcissistic nature - where the narcissist is mainly the center of his world - so he's looking to be prays for what he is than trying to see other point of view and change in ways that he could please them (by making "them" the center of his world).