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I [38M], told by childhood crush and friend [38F] she wanted

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I [38M], told by childhood crush and friend [38F] she wanted

Postby gobbergobbler » Sat Nov 26, 2022 1:01 pm


Me [38M] and her [38F] met when we were 11-12 years old and had a crush on each other. Never went out but became good friends by 14 years old talking on the phone all night, writing long emails and actual letters (both of us have always kept the letters safe to this day) to each other when we moved to different cities throughout our teens to early 20s.

I was always the "best friend" and all our friends would think we would be a good couple etc. However, she started going out with another guy at 16-17 and as her relationship grew with her BF, and as I understood she was not going to consider me I went no contact during our 20s. There was a period where I had blocked her on my chat. Obviously this was painful for both of us but at that time I felt it was necessary to keep distance between us so I could move on with my life. Only exchanging a few emails or chat or maybe a call. We both maintained that we have something special between us but obviously it was stronger from my side and she was in a serious LTR with this guy.

She eventually married her BF in early 20s (I got my first GF then too), got separated at 25 but not before she conceived a baby boy, and then divorced by age 30. In fact, according to what she told me at the time, her husband during their break up wished her a happy life with me. For the record, throughout their relationship from BF to husband, I was in no contact mode, living in another country, living my own life, having my own GF, only exchanging a few standard messages/emails etc. So I directly had no role to play in their break up. Something which I always knew was inevitable anyway.

At age 30 she was single mom with a baby boy. I was single too and had moved back to my home town. For the first time since we were 15, we both were living in the same city. However, she didn't express a desire to be in a relationship or get married. Please note that I never fully asked to be with her - this is information that she put out there for me. She wanted to focus on her career which was flourishing and raising her son. We met rarely, always warmly, like old friends but always with people around and never created a chance meet alone and talk in person.

In our 30s she gained exceptional success her little start-up became one of the top companies and she became a household name. I am a well respected professional in my career. We live in the same city but never meet, or talk on the phone. Our social circles are different. But I always heard from friends who met her that she always asks about me, my friends would tell me to call her etc.

We have continued living our separate lives with minimal contact with each other. Only maybe birthday WhatsApp messages or exchanging some old photo of ours. Sometimes she's messaged saying she misses me or thought of me or saw me in a dream. I may have done the same. These are always short conversations, where we both say yeah let's meet up soon etc. Mostly she would make the plan and then flake out. During this time, we had one late night phone conversation lasting for a few hours where we spoke about a lot of things and even ended up crying together upon revisiting some old memory. But following that it was back to normal ignoring each other again.

Current Situation:

I am busy in my own career, had a 7 year relationship (my second) with another girl before breaking up for various reasons. Now I'm in another relationship with a 35F (my third) which feels almost dead. We broke off and haven't spoken properly in 5 months. Now just text mundane updates and hardly talk. I am fit, attractive, financially and emotionally stable, eligible, always getting interest from girls, people are trying to hook me up with their friends or someone they know etc. Mentioning this because I am not some loser who has messed up his life pining over his high school crush. I lead an active, full and healthy life, have close friends and family etc.

She has a boyfriend for the past 5-6 years but has not been engaged to him and I have heard from others has said there are no plans to get engaged or married to him right now. As a highly successful businesswoman she is very eligible as well and everyone expects her to get married some day.

Recently, I heard her grandparent was admitted to the hospital in serious condition. I called her but she didn't answer and messaged on WhatsApp. I just sent her good wishes and prayers for their health. I said we would meet together once they get well and come home.

She replied saying it would be best to meet her at the hospital as she spends the night there. She wanted us to meet alone and catch up on life. I said sure any time. We agreed to meet in 2 days but on the day she cancelled, and then rescheduled twice again. During these days, her grandad was discharged from the hospital and back home. She gave me WhatsApp updates about his health. And then she fixed a night for us to meet where it would be calm at her place. Stopped replying to the two texts I sent on the day, didn't answer the phone on the night, and then later at night I got a WhatsApp message from her brother saying she was not feeling well and had asked him to message me to let know on her behalf but he forgot to do so earlier. This is very unusual - not the cancelling but the message from her brother and no response from her at all.

The next night, I sent her another message asking how she was, which she has ignored since although she is appearing online on WhatsApp.

Now I understand she is busy. She may not be ready to have a heart to heart with me for some reason. She always knew that I felt very strongly about her and maybe she thinks it will get too emotional if we meet. Maybe she regretted suggesting it, maybe she got scared? But can someone please help me read the situation here.

Why would she insist on meeting alone, set a specific date, make excuses on the day, fix another day, make another excuse, and then just ghost me on WhatsApp? It is plain rude and disrespectful of my valuable time. We are adults. She could have used any number of excuses, but why go through this whole elaborate planning process just to ignore? Please note that I did not want to meet her alone, I haven't pushed for it, I have not been messaging or calling her or anything silly like that after she stopped replying? It almost feels like she wants to meet but somehow gets prevented from meeting me. Even objectively it feels like we would be a good match for each other in this part of our lives. It's silly. But it's triggered all these thoughts in my head now. I had really hoped that we would meet and I would finally get a chance to look her in the eye and tell her how I feel about her. But she's never given me the opportunity. I don't care if she doesn't feel the same about me. But at least I would hear from her and it would give me some closure. Too much emotional $#%^ for someone to want to deal with from someone in the past. I get that.

I am used to living my life with this unrequited love. All my girlfriends have been long term and all in a weird way sense that I love someone from my past. I have been given immense love from the women in my life and I have given back a lot. I always fall short of actually settling down with someone. Some of it is due to my circumstances, other reasons might include a feeling that this girl is still out there and one day will realise that we both belong together. In my head, if we ever do end up being together, it will be something that everyone around us always expected would happen. The reason why we both have remained unmarried for so many years is because we both had to marry each other. These are the thoughts of the sentimental romantic fool in me. To me, from the age of 13, I only have ever thought of her when I listen to any song, read any poetry or quotation or watch any film about love. After 25 years, her thoughts are always deep in my heart and may occasionally manifest some lonely night where I remember her. I have carried on this way and learned to survive.

Maybe someday, I will realise the futility of my thoughts.

Tl;Dr: Old friend and crush said she wanted to meet me alone to catch up on life. Agreed to a day, then rescheduled twice, with the last time, not failing to respond to messages or calls and completely ghosting on WhatsApp. Making her brother text that she was unwell from his phone on the night we were supposed to meet.

Please advise.
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Re: I [38M], told by childhood crush and friend [38F] she wanted

Postby Otter » Sun Nov 27, 2022 10:00 pm

You're probably not going to be surprised by what I have to say but the root of this issue is your feelings for her. As I read the first half of your post I could sense a pervasive undercurrent that told me you still had strong feelings for her. And then you confessed as much in the last part of your post.

I don't know why she is being evasive. I guess it could be almost anything. Yes, you need to have a heart-to-heart with her. As long as you have known each other, she should give you that. But then you need to ask her whether or not there is a chance for you and her - clearly and bluntly. And if she says there isn't a chance, you have to assess what kind of relationship you want to have with her going forward, if any.

If she keeps avoiding you, beyond the time that you could reasonably think there was a logical excuse that has nothing to do with her then I would think about sending her a note and moving on as much as that would be hard for you.
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