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How to stop wishing their rebound to fail?

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How to stop wishing their rebound to fail?

Postby stfire90 » Fri Jan 14, 2022 5:46 pm

So, long story short, I was in a long-distance, long-term relationship with this girl for about a year. Connection was intense, very intimate, lots of opening up and emotional bonding that felt healthy, incredible sex, then, with the distance, amazing 8-hour phone calls and mind-bending phone sex.
But around four months before we could "finally see each other", this other guy from her circle of friends I wasn't supposed to worry about (lesson learned) entered the picture. In her own words at the beginning, he was needy, overpursuing, friend-zoned, a white knight, and a loser, self-deprecating, weak, and unattractive, constantly talking about how he would "never find someone". But slowly he got this girl attracted, kind of by taking advantage of the fact that her needs were unfulfilled between us because we were long-distance, playing up to her ego with endless compliments and paying for her always. She supposedly told him it was never going to be something between them, but he was persistent as hell. Of course, she is no red riding hood and she let this happen.

I chose not to go for the intuition that told me this was bad news and believed all the "he doesn't mean anything, we just kissed a couple of times because I miss YOU" BS because I was also clinging.

Needless to say, a month before meeting in person, they started banging and dating semi-officially after we had a HUGE argument because they had made out again – still, props to her for telling me all this, she could have just plain lied –, She *says* she has strong doubts about going official with this guy, while he is pushing for commitment and even moving in together. Now she tells me that all those negative things about him were a product of her denial that she did like him a bit, because she was trying to hold on to me, but couldn't wait any longer, for which she feels embarrassed and that she failed. She is still crying and mourning our loss, though.

Now she "doesn't see any red flags at all' with this guy, he "is good, he is really nice".


Now, this dishonest, duplicitous behavior is a clear sign for me that I don't want her back. I was still offering a casual fling as long as I am here – we could meet in person now, but she's dating this guy, although she obviously is still attached and attracted to me, she says she just can't handle the distance again and can't be faithful for so long without having me there, she also said herself, crying, that she is just too weak to be single –, but now I think even this, a casual thing, would be disrespectful to myself. She wanted to keep "hanging out" (we did, one time) – albeit in a VERY flirtatious and seductive way, with cuddling, hand-holding, dirty talking (!) and kissing on the face, but no kisses on the mouth because "that would be unfair for the other guy, because now I learned the lesson". So she is basically saying she is choosing this guy and will only sleep with him while lying in my arms and kissing me on the neck and giving me compliments about my gym body. Some heavy breadcrumbing does leave the door open to possible sex. But it is too ed up and toxic, and not worth it, I know.


So I went no contact, told her she can reach out if she wants an emotional, sexual adventure while I am here, (three months from now) but no serious relationship – but otherwise to not contact me at all. She said she didn't agree to this and that she won't contact me again, asked me to also not contact her – which is stupid since it was obvious I wasn't going to –, but that she will miss me, loves me, and is shocked and sad about this.

Now, I don't want her back. Maybe my ego wants egotistical revenge of her reaching out so I can reject her. BS kindergarten stuff, but it is what I feel. What I do find myself thinking A LOT, too much about is about wishing their relationship to fail and go down in flames to feel some sense of retribution. This is a very common feeling, but it puts me in expectation mode and makes me dependent on wanting a specific result from the reality that I cannot influence, and this is annoying. I also don't think that "wishing them the best" is real. It's BS fake spiritual crap. I want especially that guy to suffer, being honest here. But not in a hateful way, actually, I think suffering is the best teacher, so he might need a lesson, nothing more. I do not wish suffering upon her.

I know the situation could play out in a myriad of ways, from the breaking up in a month, to him leaving it – I highly doubt it, it seems he is WAY more attached to her than I ever was (you have to be already needy and clingy and desperate to consciously sabotage someone else's relationship. In his place, I would have just told her, "Hey, I like you a lot, but I respect your situation. Just let me know if you are available later on"), especially now that they are doing it –, to them going for the long haul, maybe years, since they are both needy as hell, so I think they are attracted to that toxicity. She also has, it seems, almost total control in that relationship, which is the opposite of with me because there she was the one pushing for commitment and I was holding back. She also pointed out very clearly that I and this other guy are "polar opposites", also sexually since I am extremely open-minded and he is super uptight (which she complained to me about, since she is also kinky, etc.).

What do you people think about this? How to get rid of that feeling of wanting them to fail and wanting to KNOW they failed? And just for fun, what are your bets for their relationship?
stfire90
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