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Former girlfriend of my partner died

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Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Hibiskus » Thu Jun 03, 2021 8:54 pm

Not sure if I should post it here or in the relationship forum...
My boyfriend (since about 3 months) had just one previous relationship that lastet 10 years. The girl unfortunately died after a short illness. He told me before we got together and I was/am thankful for his trust. Now was the birthday of her and tomorrow the third anniversary of her death. He is with her family for a couple of days. I just realised that it weighs more heavy on me than I thought. I try to send him messages and he seems grateful for it. And I feel so selfish now thinking, that he doesn't ask me, how I feel about it (he did it just the one time, when he told me a few months ago). I know he is the one who suffered so much, but I have no idea how to deal with it as well... But I don't dare to tell him, cause he'll just feel bad, that he didn't think about that.
What can I do? What should I do? Or what definitely not?
Last edited by Snaga on Thu Jun 03, 2021 9:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to Relationships with shadow link in original forum, no edits
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 03, 2021 9:45 pm

How about I move it to Relationships, but there is still a shadow link in the original forum- that way it can be seen there and followed here. Since Relationships might get more views.

I would think if it were me, I'd check on him and make sure he's all right- and if he seems to want space (doesn't feel like having company or doing anything) then let him have his space until the significant dates pass. Some people might appreciate sympathetic company; some might prefer to be alone.

I think the best thing is to remind him your're there for him, without forcing anything.

Hibiskus wrote: I know he is the one who suffered so much, but I have no idea how to deal with it as well...


Other than just be there for him, and being sensitive to the fact that they might be hard dates on the calendar for him, that there's not much else you can do.
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Hibiskus » Thu Jun 03, 2021 9:56 pm

How about I move it to Relationships, but there is still a shadow link in the original forum- that way it can be seen there and followed here. Since Relationships might get more views.


Thank you! That sounds like a good idea!

I think the best thing is to remind him your're there for him, without forcing anything.

So I should not tell him (later obviously) how I feel or felt during this time and that I'd need something as well?
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Hibiskus » Thu Jun 03, 2021 10:00 pm

How about I move it to Relationships, but there is still a shadow link in the original forum- that way it can be seen there and followed here. Since Relationships might get more views.


Thank you! That sounds like a good idea!

I think the best thing is to remind him your're there for him, without forcing anything.

So I should not tell him (later obviously) how I feel or felt during this time and that I'd need something as well?
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 03, 2021 10:03 pm

Hibiskus wrote:So I should not tell him (later obviously) how I feel or felt during this time and that I'd need something as well?


Felt about....?

And need what?

I mean, obviously, you're the living- and she is dead. It would be unfair for him to moon over her to the point of neglecting you.

Other than that, I'm not sure I understand.
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Hibiskus » Thu Jun 03, 2021 10:23 pm

I'm not sure how to put it in words. But I wish he would ask how I felt during those days maybe. Before I thought that I'll be fine, cause obviously it's him going through a rough time. But now I realise that I don't feel fine. But I'm not even sure why exactly. I never experienced a situation like that before and I have no idea what to do. Should I ask about her, or is this a bad idea? What are the nice memories he has and wants to keep alive? Somehow I feel I can't ask him this and I'd wish he'd ask me if I want to know more or just tell me things. I'm afraid she'll always be the elephant in the room...
I tried to tell him, that next year maybe I could be closer to him during this time, if he wishes. He completely ignored this. So no idea what to make of this either...
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Snaga » Thu Jun 03, 2021 11:13 pm

I think... perhaps just gently remind him if he needs to talk, you're there.

Otherwise it may be something he just has to work through, himself.

Maybe he's not sure how much to say about her, himself.
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Re: Former girlfriend of my partner died

Postby Philonoe » Fri Jun 04, 2021 12:58 am

Do you need to be reassured of the love he has for you, despite of the attachment he still has for her?

I imagine that context is difficult for you and makes you question the importance that you can have for him.

Like Snaga said, he might be in need of help and understanding. He might not notice that need in you.
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