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Reckless Life

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Reckless Life

Postby RecklessLife76 » Sun Mar 21, 2021 9:14 am

As a kid, my dad was drunk. Mom was an idiot. Physical, verbal, emotional, psychological abuse towards me, the oldest because I was the "test" child. My aunt molested me as a kid. I hated myself growing up.

I don't speak to my parents any longer. I haven't my dad in years. I heard he is dying a couple years ago. I never checked on him. My mom I quit talking to after my grandpa passed a couple years ago. I struggled with depression and anxiety and I've not spoken to them in years. I travel and work out of state, to keep from them finding me. I'm a runner I guess. Running from my parents, my past, my anxiety and depression. I only have it pop back up when I pass about 100 miles from home in fear I'll run into someone.

My "self claimed" adopted dad died 4 years ago. My ex's won't let me see my kids and I have no idea where they are. I never verbal, physical abused them. I did holler, and I regret it. At my wife and kids. I was hollered and screamed at at while I never called anyone names like my parents did me or play games with their mind, I hollered, just like my parents. I hate myself for it but it's like my wife would keep going on and on and I'd try to hold back and next thing ya know, I'm hollering.


Hypersexual and I hate it. I find women like my parents who abuse me. I can't keep a relationship, they tell me how horrible I am. How stupid I am, Hit me, bite me, scratch me. I never hit back because I didn't wanna be like my dad but I won't deny imagining it in my head. I wanted to so bad.

Currently, I've been working. Living at hotels or in my car. I worked a lot of 16 hour days. I can afford an apartment but I'm afraid my family will try and find me and I can be found with google. I feel so much better without them.

In January I was hurting so bad. I googled for an Asian massage parlor because they're cheap, not for the happy endings they provide. She came into massage me and I was in long. Chinese, sweet, tingled when her hands touched my back. Oh my god, it felt so good. She gave me her number. We eventually started hanging out together. Using a translator to communicate since she doesn't speak English. Turns out she is 48 and not the 29 she looks. I'm 44. I stay a lot of nights with her at the massage parlor. She sleeps there, as well as her coworker. I fall more and more in love wit her every day. We go to the Casino together, which I never have done much of. We cook together, hug and make each other smile. OMG. And when I"m there in her bed during business hours, she's in the massage room *mod edit* some guy and she tells me it's strictly business. I'm not jealous but feela little strange about it.

Part of me wants to stay with her, as she makes me happy. Part of me says, what are you doing with a sex worker and staying at an adult massage parlor day and night? I'm not there all the time. I signed a contract to work out of town a few weeks but I come back on my off days. We go to the Casino at night and cuddle kiss between customers. She is wonderful.

My life has been a mess. I'm homeless by choice living in hotels and a massage parlor yet renting a room on air bnb while I'm working this contract. Women at the places I work will ask me out and I avoid them. I'd rather be alone. Than with anyone. Except this woman who we can't even speak English to each other, using google translate. I'm in Indiana currently working.

SO much more I could write. I don't do drugs. I drink wine with my supper sometimes. This is 100% true.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Mar 22, 2021 5:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to relationships, minor edits
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Re: Reckless Life

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 22, 2021 5:59 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

There are.. multiple places this post might have been made, but it seems to culminate in thoughts from you about your relationship. At least, it sounds like it's a relationship. So I've moved it there.

If you want to expand on your childhood, we have forums for both child abuse (non sexual) and sexual abuse.

RecklessLife76 wrote: And when I"m there in her bed during business hours, she's in the massage room *mod edit* some guy and she tells me it's strictly business. I'm not jealous but feela little strange about it.

Part of me wants to stay with her, as she makes me happy. Part of me says, what are you doing with a sex worker and staying at an adult massage parlor day and night? I'm not there all the time. I signed a contract to work out of town a few weeks but I come back on my off days. We go to the Casino at night and cuddle kiss between customers. She is wonderful.


As long as you're okay with what she does- I don't recall seeing a rule that a relationship has to be between two very conventional people. She makes you happy- through the translations, how does she feel, do you think? It sounds as if she values you as well. Perhaps because you're not jealous of her work, do you think? You work- and from the sound if it, work hard- you're not really homeless, you merely choose an itinerant lifestyle- although it sounds as if she's having an effect on that.

Given your childhood, I'm not sure I see you as the mess you claim to be. It sounds as if you've coped as well as you could, and better than many.
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Re: Reckless Life

Postby RecklessLife76 » Mon Mar 22, 2021 8:23 am

Am I jealous of her job? Well, I'd rather it be me in there with her instead of someone else.

She values me. She told me she has never let anyone come in the back "living quarters" of the massage room, ever, except me. She sends me messages throughout the day. Tells me she loves me. I believe she does.

We've gone to the Casino together. The first night, instead of me stopping by my bank ATM, she loaned me $500 which I quickly gave back to her with winnings. I kept some stashed in my car and lost it then she gave me $500 and I won, paid her back. She constantly loans me money to play and I give it right back. Because I don't want to owe her. So she does trust me, which I'd never steal or not pay back anyone.

I never thought I'd be in this type of relationship. I constantly tell her she is beautiful and I love and care about here. Which is 100% true. She loves hearing it also. We are enjoying each other and hope things continue.

My parents, I don't talk to. I dont' feel she will abuse me like my past relationships have, yet I didn't think they would either. My coworkers often ask if I'm married/single. I tell them I'm not married but with someone. They ask what kind of work she does and I lie. She doesn't tell others what she does either. It's none of their business. She has only told one what I do for a living.

If you feel moving my post to the area you sent it is best, that's fine. I didn't know where to put it. My life is reckless, I've not even touched on it. I don't do drugs, drink wine sometimes with meals, no cigarettes'. I'm a sex addict, have been for so long. I wish I wasn't. I'm comfortable being alone than with others. I work hard. Very caring. In the health industry.
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Re: Reckless Life

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 22, 2021 7:21 pm

Sometimes a post comes along that seems full of things, and it's hard to place. LWMI (where you had it) is the generic catch-all, but this one seemed more centered on the unlikely relationship you've found yourself in, than anything else. We have plenty of other forums, if you feel the want/need to split some things off from this- your childhood, your hypersexuality, etc. Your far from alone in these forums, with anything I've read from you, so far. You have lots of sympathetic/empathetic company here in PF!

For someone who says they're reckless, you are I think one of the least reckless 'reckless' people I've ever had the pleasure of conversing with in these forums. You don't do drugs, you drink in moderation- sex is... a pretty basic human instinct, please show me a person that isn't self-confessed hypersexual, that doesn't find they have some external limiting factor on their own sexual behavior- for some it's religion, for some it's love, for others (like me) it's fear. Just to say that to me, it'd be all-too-easy to revolve my life around sex. Even a shy, fearful person like me can find a way to be hypersexual, even if it was only with myself. And no, I wasn't happy with the obsession I had with it, either. I'm finally getting to the age where it just don't matter as much as it used to. I can't decide if I'm sad, or relieved, about that.

But for a 'reckless' person, you seem to have managed well.

I understand about sharing too much about her- I wouldn't be going around saying what she does, either- unless it was to tell a soft lie and say she's a massage therapist- that is a legitimate profession, after all. No need to mention 'happy endings'.

RecklessLife76 wrote:I never thought I'd be in this type of relationship.


And maybe that's part of why it's working.

And yeah I get that you'd rather her be doing her thing with you, and not others- but it doesn't seem to get under your skin so much it's a barrier, does it? It hasn't kept you from seeing her. And from the sound of it, that it hasn't- and that you love her as she is- is something in you she values.

It's an unconventional relationship, maybe- but there are those out there. I mean, what about married porn actors/actresses? I agree it takes a special person to be partnered with someone in the sex industry, but it exists. I don't see how this is any different.

Do you think that it'll eventually get under your skin too much? Have y'all talked about a life together? Other than hoping it lasts, that is- I mean, the nuts and bolts of what a LTR would look like for the two of you?

Or maybe, maybe the nature of you not being together constantly, all the time, is part of what works here. I've known couples like that. Married, a disaster- divorced, they do pretty good as a couple. Sometimes we're just strange like that.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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