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Struggling with avoidant attachment style

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Struggling with avoidant attachment style

Postby jamgarden » Wed Sep 23, 2020 9:19 pm

I've always had issue with my relationships. I refuse to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone as I fear they will find me weird, think i'm a burden or whatever and leave me. When someone does leave me I handle it poorly.It could be someone I stopped seeing because they treated me like $#%^ but if they move on i'll still fall into depression. I've been the same since I was in kindergarten, i'd get very jealous if a friend of mine had other friends besides me especially if they appeared to have more fun with them than with me.

I also have aspergers and social anxiety disorder. I don't know if that contributes. I got diagnosed very late in life so I have no idea yet how everything connects.

I took a quiz online about attachment styles and got "Avoidant" which wasn't shocking.
I've dated a lot but it doesn't go anywhere. As soon as someone wants to get serious I start finding a bunch of flaws in him and I feel almost physically sick so I back off. In other cases when I actually try it's without any exception with a guy who's either equally avoidant or simply a jerk so obviously that never works but it's them who abandons me instead. In some cases there's been a guy I really liked who was actually normal but I ruined it because I got terrified when I realized he wants means intimacy, I can't do that physically or emotionally. There's been guys i've dated that i've chosen to open up to but it has been in a desperate attempt to make them understand me because they haven't and things were already clearly going to $#%^ and I didn't want to realize it. I don't know why I seek approval and love from people who are the least capable of giving it to me.

I have some male friends and with them i'm somewhat more open but there's still a large amount of information I choose to keep from them and never that I would tell one of them if I was going through something. I don't rely on friends, it's not something I can get myself to do and I don't like coming off as "weak" or needy.
No one really knows me. It feels incredibly lonley sometimes. I feel like i'll never be able to have a relationship and it's a sad feeling and something I think about everyday.
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