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Transference

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Transference

Postby Cub10 » Mon Aug 31, 2020 4:43 pm

I’ve been seeing a female therapist for about 7 years. She was married with step-children and step grand-children. She is a few years younger than me. I am in a sexless marriage (we have sex about 6 times per year) but my wife is taking steps to change this (not necessary to go into details as to how). A few weeks ago, I learned that my therapist filed for divorce two years ago. Two weeks ago, she told me she was going on vacation from 8/19 through 8/30. I asked her where she was going, and she told me she was taking a driving trip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (I live in the Chicago area).

Somehow, the idea that she might be taking this trip with a boyfriend drove me off the deep end. Somehow, this caused me to become attracted to her when I never was previously (she is an attractive, but not gorgeous woman) If she were married and going with her husband, that wouldn’t have bothered me. But now I am very jealous that she is taking this trip with a new lover- she has something I don’t have. And I now had sexual fantasies about her and was paralyzed with depression and obsession over her the entire past weekend.

Just before her trip, I metwith my therapist (via Zoom) and told her the truth. All of the websites on this subject said this was the right thing. I told her that I was dealing with transference - I was projecting someone else (my wife?). I told her that I thought she is probably divorced and is going onset vacation with a boyfriend. She agreed this was transference. She assured me that I know nothing about her or what she is doing in her life, and that she has the same everyday problems as me or anyone else.

I know I am idealizing her - putting her on a pedestal. She has assured me that my feelings have nothing to do with her. This is just transference. But how do I get over my depression and my obsession with her?
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved from Therapy to Relationships, with a shadow link left in Therapy, to lead viewers to here- no other edits
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Re: Transference

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 31, 2020 6:10 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums!

I tend to get easily infatuated, and so I can sympathise with having what I call in myself, 'minor obsessions' with someone, most often (but I'm Bi, so not always- and I'm born male, by the way) the opposite sex. But they're not my therapist. And I'm not easily prone to strong feelings of jealousy. And it's not transference. I can only speak about the obsession part.

If you can deal with the jealousy for a while, and manage not to let yourself get too depressed, perhaps this might burn itself out after a while? I will get an infatuation (and I have a partner, so I'm not single) and it'll bounce around in my head a while, with the attendant sexual fantasies and frequent thinking- I'm OCD so obsessing comes really easy for me- and then after a while it just goes away on its own. I learned to not feel guilty over having a mental infatuation for someone, I learned to not encourage it, but not fight it, either. I just let my mind have its little fantasy for a while then I don't know, it gets bored with it, I suppose. I often wonder if I have Borderline traits, ha. I get infatuated, I tend to idealize. In your position, I'd have long ago idealized an attractive female therapist, I'm sure.

For me I'd just try to tell myself my jealousy is irrational, and I'd let my mind indulge in fantasy to a reasonable amount- I mean trying to NOT fantasize about someone is really hard for me, but letting myself do some without it being too creepy obsessive, is way more doable- it sates my imagination just enough, I guess. Infatuations come, infatuations go. This woman is... important in your life. She's someone you confide in. She's like wife and mother and bestie rolled into one, in a way, no? And she's not ugly, as you said. I think it would be... very easy for me to fall into a minor crush. But I'm so used to doing things like that, for me it'd be like oh, that's interesting- and then it just wouldn't be something that I'd lose sleep over, I'd have the occasional fantasy and I'd be all right with it and know it's just what my mind does. I'm OCD- obsessing is my superpower.

I doubt I'm of any help whatsoever, but that's my perspective on things like that. Cause I am naturally prone to that kind of thing. I've learned not to take myself seriously, and that's what works for me. When I find myself even thinking the least bit jealous or unhappy, because someone I want in the moment, is someone I can't have, I just shrug it off and tell myself I'm being silly- of course, it helps that I also know I'll have a new infatuation, eventually, because infatuation is what I do. I probably don't know a single female I haven't had a fantasy over at one time or another. So? It's just thoughts. When you're obsessive-compulsive like me, if you don't remind yourself thoughts are just thoughts, you'll go mad in short order.
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Re: Transference

Postby Cub10 » Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:21 pm

I used to have a tendency to get infatuated. But haven’t since I’ve been married (17 years). But this is my therapist, so transference is a big, if not exclusive part of it. I’ve also been in a sexless marriage for about the last 10-12 years (defined as sex less than ten times a year).
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Re: Transference

Postby SuperGoose » Sun Sep 20, 2020 1:15 pm

It's normal and healthy and how do you work through it... hmmmm. Such a good question

What needs in you does she fulfill that are otherwise missing?


It sounds like you are aware on an intellectual level that she wouldn't be like this if you were dating ... but on an emotional level we might not believe that.. so which things specifically are most attractive, on that emotional level ... what are you missing?
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