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Need Support - 1st Time Writing

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Need Support - 1st Time Writing

Postby pokzen » Mon Apr 06, 2020 1:20 pm

Hi Everyone;

Thank you for reading my post. I am a 43(M) in a relationship with a 39(W). We have been dating for 3 years and have lived together for 6 months.

My partner has cognitive and emotional health issues which I believe she is in denial of. She does have stresses in her life. She is 6 years separated from a bad man, and shares custody of their 2 children. She works hard and is frequently exhausted between work and caring for the children. She has in the past had sporadic issues with drugs, but is clean and has been other than a 2 month episode about 2 years ago. She does use alcohol, and the alcohol use can increase under stress, but I rarely see her drunk.

She has definite problems with anxiety which she understands. She also recognizes sleep issues, and racing thoughts at night. She has used Adavan to control her sleeping for some time, but has worked towards not using it. She does use low-level THC these days to help her sleep.

When she does sleep, it is often a sudden and almost comatose like sleep. This can sometimes happen throughout the day (if she is by herself), or early at night - 7PM or 8PM.

She can become suddenly hostile, condescending and angry. She loses her logic and reasoning abilities and can become very 'lost' without recognizing it. She physically changes, become very pale, sweaty, and her face becomes drawn.

She is very destructive to our relationship when she is like this. I am concerned that this is chronic with no signs of improving. I find that as often as twice per week I am extremely upset, angry, and hurt about her behavior and treatment of myself and others. For me, one thing making it worse is that things will get better, we will start to relax and I will feel comfortable with her again, and then without warning she can turn on a dime and I feel worse than I would have if I had still had my guard up.

I have utilized every strategy and skill I know of to manage and cope, but I am at the point where I don't see how this is going to work out if things don't change. I am not willing to live my life this way. I can't feel unappreciated, attacked, belittled, and betrayed chronically. I have a hard time watching her and the girls behaving dysfunctionally, and if I interject myself while this is happening I get burned. The list of the ways that I am mistreated are subtle but varied.

With all this being said, this is not all the time. There are times where we make each other laugh, where I know for sure that she cares about me, and where I feel appreciated and happy. It is far too much of the time though, and I want more of the happy and less of the dysfunction.

I am not going to say I am perfect, but I have successfully worked through most of my own issues years ago. I live each day being supportive of others and trying to create a happy environment in the world around me. I am emotionally stable, generally successful, and I actively work on myself.

I need to be in a relationship where I trust my partner and feel comfortable and safe. I don't feel that way far too often. I want for our relationship to work out. I want to tell her that we either need counselling or an exit strategy. In truth I believe she needs treatment and that this would resolve our relationship issues (mostly). I don't really know what to do.

I love her and I love the girls. I especially don't want to abandon the girls. I need some emotional support and some stabilization to help me navigate what needs to happen here. All thoughts are welcome.

Thank you so much
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