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Stuck in a difficult situation.

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Stuck in a difficult situation.

Postby Psychedelicflower » Tue Mar 24, 2020 2:37 pm

Hi everyone.

I'm struggling to write this because I feel incredibly guilty for feeling what I do. My girlfriend and I have been together for three months tomorrow and are long distance. I really cared about her at first. We are a good match in terms of attraction and all that comes with it, we click and have the same sense of humour, but in terms of normal relationship, it's been a struggle. I think we both went in too quickly and once we realised, attempted to dial it back, but that's been pretty hard because of the things she is going through. There's also an age gap of 5 years so I think that is contributing somewhat given that this is her first relationship. Although I am 23 and she is 19 this is only my second long-term relationship. I was reluctant at first due to her being nineteen but she seemed great, mature for her age, handles her own finances and has a job. Brilliant. But things are very complicated.

She lives with her parents. They are abusive. They spank her. In public. And verbally abuse her. They put her down, make fun of her. They take most of her wages and guilt her "if we don't get that money we can't feed your siblings and then you'll be responsible for them starving" etc. She's used to babysit her siblings and they even complained that she was using the bathroom a lot when she was ill. They've recently stopped her working but when she tried to get government help, they found the papers and ripped them up because if she claims it could affect their claim.

She's so upset all the time. Every day there's something they do to hurt or upset her. I'm constantly having to comfort and reassure her. I hate seeing her so upset. I hate seeing the person I care about so upset. Because of the current world situation, she is unable to leave the house and stuck with them indefinitely. She has no job now but they insist she buys her own food which is just nuts to me.

I've given her numbers of organisations that can help. I've looked up the process of presenting as homeless to the government. They would have a legal responsibility to house her due to the environment she is leaving. She doesn't want to go. She would rather stay and save up money to get her own house. I understand completely. I was homeless myself a few years ago and lived in a shelter. It was really tough for me.

I've visited her a few times and was due to until COVID-19 stopped those plans. I've also been helping her save money but she's now not able to due to not having a job.

I am diagnosed with Depression, anxiety, autism and C-PTSD. I've been having a really hard time recently. When I try to explain to my girlfriend, she doesn't get It. I understand it's hard to grasp, but she completely doesn't get it and tells me to "just ignore it" or "just think of something else" and I've just stopped bringing it up to her as I don't want to hear that advice, even though I know she's just trying to help.

We're just not on the same page. I try and talk bout my interests and she doesn't quite grasp the concepts, it seems intellectually we are interested in different things. She's told me often she finds my interests boring and doesn't understand what I mean.

I know that my autism plays into that. I can get fixed in certain topics of interest and tend to info dump. I try to keep this under control.

I felt she can be very clingy and needy. I'm a person who likes space. I need my own time. I need time to think, to breathe by myself but I often ignore that need because I'm worried how she is doing, I'm worried if she's ok and it's making my anxiety worse.

My C-PTSD has been triggered heavily. I'm having flashbacks and nightmares as well as jumping at every sudden noise. My ex who was abusive was also in a similar living situation with parents who did similar things to my ex as my current partner. My current partners situation reminds me of my ex. And reminds me how my ex used that to manipulate me. I know they are two different people, but I worry all the same.

My partner can be quite rude sometimes. Her parents are racist, make fun of disabled people (I'm disabled) and are homophobic and transphobic (I'm Agender and queer). Some of the ideas she has about things or the beliefs she holds can be racist etc and I've spent a lot of time helping her to unlearn this (she asked me for help) she grew up hearing it and I try not to blame her for this too much.

My ex would use her situation to isolate me from friends and family because she "needed me" eventually it became a ploy to get me to stop spending time with family and t bother me so frequently when I was with family so as to damage the relationship. When my girlfriend now tells me she needs me, that she's struggling, I have to mentally prepare myself. And I hate that. I feel like a horrible person and like I'm failing her. She's in such s hard situation and i should Be able to be there for her and comfort her.

I've noticed she says "I love you" constantly. Every five minutes. Sometimes even thirty seconds after she's said it "just in case you've forgot" and begs me "please don't leave me, I've lost everyone else because of my parents, I can't lose you too" so I feel terrible.

I feel torn. I care about her, but I'm under so much stress myself right now and dealing with a lot of things she doesn't understand. I'm trying to protect my mental health but I'm also trying to support and care for her. I don't want her to feel alone and like she has nobody to talk to, but i can't handle this. I'm not stable enough myself to be of much help to her. I'm having autistic meltdowns as well as panic attacks and flashbacks and I'm really not coping. I have told her look I need some time by myself each day but every time I talk to her recently it's just her telling me that they've hurt her or said mean things and I don't want to shut her out, but I feel powerless and so anxious hearing it.

Am I a terrible person? What do. I do to support her while also trying to take care of myself and complete college work which she often ends up interrupting me from due to her needing me when things are tough.

I am usually good at knowing what to do but I'm at a loss here myself. Also I sincerely apologise for how much I've wrote. There's just s lot to consider in this situation. Thank you for anybody who reads this. I was also unsure where is best to post this.
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Re: Stuck in a difficult situation.

Postby Aries411 » Thu Mar 26, 2020 11:56 am

Welcome to the forum Flower,

I have come across your story quite a bit, not the exact details, but similar situations with the feeling of wanting to help the other, but also needing to help yourself. As you were leaning to at the end of your post, your mental health comes first. If you are not stable, you can't help someone else properly. I would mention to your partner that you too are going through a difficult time and need a bit more time alone. It doesn't mean you break off the relationship, but you should dial it back a few notches. I can image that she takes it the wrong way, but you need to take care of yourself. It is true that she is 19 and mature, but dealing with and understand mental health is very difficult unless you have gone through it yourself.

I know of a situation of a married couple with children. The husband developed MS and became very difficult to take care of. The wife made the decision to leave the husband. People were thinking "How can you leave your husband. He is suffering and needs your help! Think of how your children will grow up!". As for me, I supported her decision. If she stayed, her life in that house would be miserable and she would not be a good condition to help him. She would probably develop resentment and really hurt the relationship. Some can overcome this anguish, but others can't and we need to respect that.

Please take care of yourself first.
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