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Fear of Declining

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Fear of Declining

Postby My_Realization » Tue Feb 11, 2020 1:39 am

Therapy, meds and crying it out - a LOT...has made me learn more about myself. I seem to have an issue with falling for Narcissistic men. I had never even heard of the word before my therapist told me years ago.

The past SEVEN men in my life were narcs. I didn’t know it at the time but now I am trying to work on myself as an empath + BPD.

So, since my last Narcissist, it has been nearly 2 months that I’ve gone no contact. Out of ALLLLL of the men I have dated in my 37 years, this one had me hooked. The most BEAUTIFUL, kind, loving, mesmerizing man I had ever laid eyes on. I mean, GORGEOUS. I so thought he was in love with me but he exhausted me of my energy. All of it. I finally walked away after therapy and reading. The emotional and verbal abuse, the bait, the sincere gestures, the fake crying. I believed it.

He has reached out quite a bit. Even parked next to me at work! It’s a catch and go thing with him. I only wonder, who TF has that type of time to play head games?!

I cry all the time. I am devastated bc all I have ever wanted is to be LOVED - simple. Want to trust and be trusted. Love and be loved. THATS ALL. I hurt a lot bc I still miss/love him but I know it was all a lie. The stalking I thought was just a very deep crush but it was the opposite. He found his prey and I stayed there nearly a year and a half. He’ll do a “touch and go” on me often, but I have ignored them. It is hard but the more I ignore, the more he attempts to capture my attention and the more depressed I become.

Since I’ve let go of him, all I have is myself and I cannot handle it. I simply cry. I cry all the time. Not just for him but for why is it me? Why do I want a family and continue to meet men like him? I feel helpless and useless.

-Wasn’t raised with my parents (mental illness + poverty)
-Raised by step grandmother (Narcissist I believe now)
-Mental, verbal and sexual abuse was present

People say I am intimidating when they see me and think I am a bitch/full of myself. Even women tell me, “You’re such a beautiful person and you have a beautiful heart!” I don’t see what they see and I definitely don’t feel it either. I have NEVER had a decent relationship in my entire life. Only if they knew. I come home alone every single day, sad, cry and drink. I am trying to cope. I am being steady but I’ve never stayed steady for too long. That’s a great fear of mine. Suggestions?
---
My_Realization, Age 37/Female
Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD, Clinical Depression & Anxiety

Diagnosed: May 2014
Citalopram Hydrobromide 20 mg/daily
Lamotrigine 200mg/daily
My_Realization
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Re: Fear of Declining

Postby thegentlepath » Tue Feb 11, 2020 3:45 pm

Hi My_Realization,

I’m sorry that happened to you. One note: alcohol is a depressant. I’m no paradigm of virtue, but I do avoid alcohol & it helps. I also find being single helps me, but I also know that everyone is a unique snowflake & it’s ok to want to be in a relationship. I’ve just learned through error & error it’s not for me & that’s ok too. Good luck in your journey & please keep writing.
thegentlepath
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Local time: Fri May 29, 2020 5:02 am
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