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please I need advice

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please I need advice

Postby Najwa » Mon Jan 27, 2020 11:19 pm

This is long, sorry!

I (38)have been together with my boyfriend (38) for 11 years. I lost my job and had to look for a new one, after a year of searching I finally found one but in the capital 3 hours away by car.

we decided he would follow me. Shortly after I moved he got a promotion. I was happy and foolishly told him he doesn't need to move immediately, he could stay for a year to get more experience so he could get the same type of work after moving.

We grew apart, then we were on a break according to me, but he understood it as a break up. Many months later I tell him I want to try again, he is unsure and keeps me waiting and hoping for his decision for many months, finally he told he had met someone but it was not serious. I was a mess and took it upon me to try to fix all past problems, I even offered to move back. He eventually said yes and that he had broke it off with the girl he was seeing.

Shortly after I had a very violent trauma in my life, violent loss of brother,I became suicidal and had high anxiety and had to have sick leave. Yet I was really trying to work hard on the relation, to smile, to always be interested in him, supportive, etc., but he was cold, distant, and often got snappy with me. I spent most of that time at his place.

He got somewhat better after a year, then I found out from the girl he had supposedly broken up with that he was still seeing her.

I confronted him, He told me he was trying to break up with her but she wouldn't have it, crying hysterically, he didn't know how to handle the situation. He also had told her that he had gotten back with me still as things were not really over between them, so he felt he hadn't been fair to her, and that he was with her when I sort of insisted we could try again. So she was actually the victim. But that he wanted to be with me, he loved me, yet he understood that maybe I wouldn't want that now.

I truly believe he has a very hard time breaking up with someone. His plan was to drag it out and hope the other person would get tired.

We had a long talk, then we decided we would try to overcome this. He stopped having contact with her.

went back to his city and spent many more months there, but visit my place at the capital every now and then for a short time. But now the problem is I When I try to explain it would be easier if he moved he always gets angry, telling me different non convincing reasons. Recently he said his job was more important because he was working for an international organization while I am not. and that would give us possibility to move abroad.

I told him that with his background it is much easier for him to find a job than me, and he admitted, and in the bigger capial where I am there are many more possibilities than the small city he is in, my bigger city is the capital so there is no shortage of international companies and headquarters and high management/sales positions. In addition I am still in a difficult position with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and horrible guilt and regret. I need my close friends especially since I don't have a family so my friends are my family, and they live in the capital not his city.

I also need to continue see my therapist who have been a lifeline, and my therapist is at the capital and I can't imaging start all over with a new one and going over the traumatic experience I had from the start. Also my work knows about the trauma and have been understanding and patient and willing to accept my long sick leave as well as me starting slowly part time. A new company would not be so understanding, and I would have to work 100% immediately and convince them why I am better than all other applicants and act positive and curious and very engaged, to prove I am worthy of a long term contract. Mentally I am just really nowhere near that strong. I also told him that during the hardest period of my life that I do not wish on any human being, he was cold with me and busy taking romantic trips with his other girlfriend. If he was truly sorry, how about moving to the capital where I have my job and friends and where he probably would even find better opportunities?

No. He made it very clear he won't budge.

I literally get an even worse depression in his town. Feel out of place and so alone.

He keeps telling me I had promised I could move, and all what happened since then which make it so much harder, doesn't make him budge.

I would really appreciate some inputs from outside. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable?

TL;DR : had promised my long distance boyfriend I’d move to his town, after a traumatic loss of my lbrother leaving me with PTSD, depression, anxiety , needing my supportive friends in my town, and mentally unable to work full time, which would be required if I am to work in his town, as well as finding out he was unfaithful with his ex in the worst year of my life and was cold and even rude with me, he always gets angry when I tell him it’s easier if he moves to me and insists it’s his way or no way. Am I, or him, unreasonable? Opinion/advice?

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Re: please I need advice

Postby JustHelpful » Wed Jan 29, 2020 7:28 pm

I think you need to make decisions of what you will do based on what you want for yourself and your life. It sounds like you are making a ton of reasons why you are your best and healthiest in the capital city. That is your answer at least for the part of where you should be living.

Now about this guy, well it all depends on if he seems like he is going to make you happy and/or be a great partner for you. It sounds like he is a bit involved in his own life and doesn't seem based on your descriptions that he is super good at giving you the attention you would probably desire and benefit from in a partner.

My advice is you make your own decisions for yourself based on what you want (not stuff he is involved in) and then you can invite him to try the relationship from the capital city. If he doesn't jump at the chance to move and/or really tries to twist your arm to stay where it benefits him then he may be displaying qualities that he is not a great match. Or maybe said another way he may be demonstrating that much better matches for you are out there.

Best of luck to you, hope things work out the way you would like.
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Re: please I need advice

Postby AProphet » Thu Jan 30, 2020 3:28 pm

Moving town for him might be a very big commitment too, even if he cant articulate it as well as you can. He would have to change all friends, jobs, family start, anew etc, thats realy uncomfortable. Maybe just give it time, if you are sure he loves you and you love him, just have the relationship long distance. Message and call eachother everyday, take care of eachother emotinally and maybe in time the situation will resolve itself. Sounds like he allready depends on you emotinally, even when he was with another girl. That means you are most important to him and try to not worry so much or not force things to happen. Maybe he didnt realize yet, that he doesnt need all those stupid people that dont care for him, that he only loves and needs you.
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