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Relationship went from hot to cold quickly

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Relationship went from hot to cold quickly

Postby jcl76 » Wed Jan 15, 2020 4:35 am

I am curious and appreciate any insight and thoughts on my scenario.

I met a girl 2.5 months ago who we are both 43. It was slow the first few dates as we were getting to know one another. then we really hit it off. It was great and we enjoyed every minute together, did fun things, and sexually was great as well.

We even began to make gestures (kinda in jest) about a future a lot.

A little back story. She was married to a narcassist and was off and on with another guy for 6 years until she found out he cheated on here. That was 7 months ago. I have been very understanding and aware that she is vulnerable and carrying fears from her past relationships. She knows that one day I would like to be married. I havent nor do I have kids and she has 2.

The topic of our goals came up and she is back and forth if she wants/can be married again because she fears divorce again and the fear of what she refers to as "trapped". Here is one reason as why its not high on her list. She has a 19 year old at home, with no job, car, and does drugs who is believed to be bi-polar. It drains her and the thought of marriage or a relationship where we spend a lot of time together seems to overwhelming.

I have communicated that I accept her and everything she comes with and understand. Although I give her space, and she opens up to me alot she feels that is pressure.

We do have differences but according to all her friends, I am exactly the kind of guy she needs and they love the fact we are together. She has felt the very same way.

Long story short. The real hot and heavy went cold quickly and she is confused why.
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Re: Relationship went from hot to cold quickly

Postby JustHelpful » Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:54 pm

The answer is the Why doesn't matter. Its the what you do next that matters.

If you are good with things going from hot to cold then its fine just patiently wait it out and try to support her the best you can and who knows maybe some heat will re-emerge.

If you are not a fan of the not so hot reaction then I think you need to stop and ask yourself if you want to be in a not so hot relationship. To pine for what you used to have but isn't happening at the moment is not super productive. Maybe the heat returns maybe it doesn't. The reality is that its not happening right now so you should look at right now and see what it is you want.

Seems like if you made a post about it that you are not super happy with the relationship with the heat. And so seems like you will probably convey to the other person in some way that the relationship is not super interesting to you when things are not hot and heavy. That may cause the other person to be a bit concerned about the durability of the relationship and rightfully so.

Don't get involved too much in the games that happen with people in relationships. Just look at what you have at the moment. If you are fine with it make sure that the other person knows. If you are not fine with it that is ok too you may want to seek out a relationship where the passion is a bit more long lasting.

Just be straight up with the other person. Hey the relationship was great, now things have cooled off and you don't like it. You love the relationship when things are going well but not so interested in it when things are not moving and see what the other person wants. Maybe they will want to keep the relationship and do what is necessary for you to be happy or maybe it will not be super enjoyable for them to have that expectation.

Just talk, be straightforward about what you feel and find out what they feel and make a decision based on what is actually happening not some hope for the future.
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Re: Relationship went from hot to cold quickly

Postby Jerril » Sun Feb 23, 2020 7:15 am

I appreciated JustHelpful's response. I thought it was insightful and I like the lighthearted tone of it. That really is key to new relationships. Keep it light hearted. Just go with the flow a bit and see what unfolds.

What has happened since you first posted anyway?
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