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Dealing with OCD and feelings torwards other women

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Dealing with OCD and feelings torwards other women

Postby BoundlessGamer » Thu Dec 26, 2019 2:28 am

Quick disclaimer: this is my first post on these forums, i literally just finished creating my account. Please let me know if there's something wrong with my post, so i can note it and do better in the future! Thank you everyone!

Anyways, hello there! I'm writing this post in hopes i can still save my relationship. Going to try and give you the necessary details, but without making the post too long/hard to read. So, i'm a 19 year old male, living in Portugal. I've met my (probably now ex) girlfriend on an online game known as League of Legends, last year around August. Shortly after we cut contact, cause she stopped going online, due to a bad breakup. This year, around end of February she resurfaced; we started talking again, and she gained interest in me. We got along really well, eventually deciding to be "hubby" and "wifey" (husband/wife, but in a more joking manner), as kind of a fun thingy. She also revealed to me she had BPD (borderline personality disorder), and most other people would get away from her at some point. I accepted her in my life, and sticked to her throughout all the issues that came up, such as jealousy, for example. We became closer and closer, and eventually developed feelings for each other. Now, she is 31 years old, and lives in Germany. Naturally, this raises alot of fears and doubts about my future; i am scared of being judged by others. I've slowly tried to open up about my feelings to friends and family; also torwards strangers (online). And i managed to have progress... But there's another issue, being that i have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), since i was a kid. During my childhood, after going to like 3 psychologists, it got better; but at some point in time it returned, stronger. Now, this is quite annoying to live with, but it was manageable. But with this relationship, it started being overbearing. We already had quite a bit of arguments before this started, but were holding on... Now, since 2 months ago, it got alot worse... I started having intrusive sexual thoughts about other people, both male and female (and no, i'm sure i'm straight...). Started imagining sexual intercourse, dating... This happened with most females, whether they were children, teenagers, adults or older ones... Whether they were from my family or not... I started feeling like i would want to be with someone else given the chance; i told her i wasnt too much into her looks (seems like everytime i look at her i see someone different... sometimes i love her appearance, sometimes i dont feel much...); started having interest and focusing my attention on every female i saw... Looking at their bodies... I also revealed some dirty secrets from my past to her... stuff i shouldnt have done, and that i regret doing... I also have issues feeling remorse, guilty or being worried about others... Even though i do care, and try and be nice, friendly and helpful. I'm also selfless at times, and can cry with others... She insisted on honesty. Wanted me to be transparent; and so, i got so used to the idea, that day after day, i kept telling her these thoughts and feelings... which killed her on the inside... And now, as of lately, sometimes i feel some warmth on my chest when looking at other woman... this included my (3 years younger) cousin... and i hate feeling this way... dont know why i am so interested, why i get jealous/have these thoughts, or have my chest beating this way... i am really attached to this woman, and really dont wanna lose her... i end up having alot of doubts, about everything i do, and tend to always tell her the worst scenarios, by being scared of her being with me and the reality being worse than what i make it seem... she has googled, read articles, reassured, forgiven and had so much patience with me... but she's at a breaking point... both our lives went to $#%^... my studies are behind, my relationships with friends/family are worse... her health is getting worse, and her duties are pilling up... i have done alot of efforts as well, talking with my mom and getting some distance from her (since she thought i was too close to her, and needed some independence and distance; not be a mommie's boy); i have prioritized her over my sleep, eating and studies; even looked for psychologists... have put everything into this relationship... but she can't take much more... she's the sweetest and most amazing woman i've met... and she can be awful at times. i have gone through alot because of her condition as well... but right now i am ruining everything... and dont know why i feel this way... if i'm just ###$ up, or if there is some legit ground for these feelings... dont know how to work on them as well... and so i would beg for your help... would want nothing more than to fix everything with her... already thinking of going to another psychologist, since my current one isnt helping much... just wanna learn how to deal with these issues... and not feel this way anymore... appreciate her, as it should be... give her everything i have, and not have issues with other women anymore... feel for her, and ONLY HER... we argued tonight, and she told me she was done, and was leaving... hoping she calms down and tomorrow we can talk again... but we'll see... anyways, sorry for the huge post... have alot to get out... would love and appreciate any help i could get, as soon as possible... if you read this far, thank you :) means alot! wish you all a wonderful week, may everything go well with you :) thank you for the attention.
BoundlessGamer
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