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Feel bad when I'm nice

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Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby saTANG » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:18 pm

Hi,
Can someone please tell me why I feel bad/guilty and embarassed whenever I'm nice/kind or show affection to people, including things like saying "I love you" or just being nice to people in general?

Any input would be appreciated, thanks!
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby xdude » Tue Dec 10, 2019 3:17 pm

Hey saTANG,

Just some misc thoughts...

Personally I find myself being less nice to people than when I was younger. Several reasons for that but depending on where you live, being snarky has become a kind of social norm in some cultures and on social media. Yea, you actually have to be good at snarking to get likes with some people. Some people seem to view being nice now as weakness, and being a bit nasty as confidence. Not saying that is right, but perhaps your culture is affecting you too?
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby saTANG » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:58 pm

"Some people seem to view being nice now as weakness, and being a bit nasty as confidence"
That's exactly what my first thought was... maybe it's something subconcious of being "vulnerable"/"weakness" if I'm nice. I just didn't know if this was normal or not. I think I subconsciously feel that if I'm nice, people will walk all over you and such.

But what about the affection part, like when I show "affection" like say "I love you", I feel embarassed, why is this?
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby Fonzie09 » Sun Dec 15, 2019 3:25 am

I’ve been waiting so long for someone to write something like this! I’m just the same but only with my Wife, would love some help...

Please help, this may sound strange to some and I’m usually rather good at understanding any issues I have or can find similar cases to compare and learn from but this one is baffling me
I met my wife many years ago now; when we met she was just a young girl who lived over the road from myself. She is 4 years my junior and at that time in out lives I was was 17/18 guy, having fun, going out, nice card, pretty girlfriends etc, I’d also just a year before experienced a horrific bereavement which had a huge impact on my life. Anyway my wife to be was young and I had not attraction towards her due to her age and other reasons, however she was literally obsessed with me, I could do no wrong, I was her major crush and I was the ‘coolest’ person she knew (apparently!). She was experiencing family issues so I always looked after her like a little sister and gained a lot of respect from her. Long story short this went on for years until I finally fell in love with her and we ended up married with children etc. Here’s the thing, my whole marriage I’ve been unable to show my true affections towards her.. it feels I’m letting my guard down.. it feels like she will he that young girl who may ‘take it wrong’ and think we’re something we weren’t. I feel like I lose my coolness that I used to possess if I show my ‘soppy’ side.. until bed time.. in bed, we kiss and make love with zero problems or issues and fully enjoyed. But come the next day etc I can’t just walk up to her she kiss her or hold her or say really romantic things to her. I’m nice and loving and a good husband but I can’t get over that feeling that I’ll lose the power or position I once had.. it’s not a controlling thing, I want to do it that’s the worst part. I look at her and want to say or do something but can’t bring myself to be ‘cheesy’ etc. But now it’s becoming a problem and I explained to her which she agrees to some degree but I need to overcome this problem. I do suffer with depression and anxiety too..
May I add I don’t feel above her etc quite the opposite. I think she is far better person than me.
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby Fonzie09 » Sun Dec 15, 2019 11:37 am

I’ve been waiting for the same answer to this question! Mainly with my wife, can anyone help further?
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby xdude » Mon Dec 16, 2019 12:41 pm

Fonzie09 wrote:...it feels I’m letting my guard down.. it feels like she will he that young girl who may ‘take it wrong’ and think we’re something we weren’t. I feel like I lose my coolness that I used to possess if I show my ‘soppy’ side..


It could be she wants both too, to let your guard down at times and not others, but if so, then be careful about losing yourself to become her 'mirror my wants in the moment' person. That won't make her happy either. Losing yourself in her emotions is not going to make her happy either in the long run.

If you could have your druthers, what would be better for you?
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby Fonzie09 » Mon Dec 16, 2019 9:02 pm

Thanks for the reply I really appreciate that.. made me think and that’s what I need
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby xdude » Wed Dec 18, 2019 9:48 pm

People do this all the time, right down to the most basic points of treat me fairly, but I get to be an ass to others.

This is the most basic truth about humans, we wield at least two rule books that we pick and choose from to get what we want or to make the world at the moment. I am going out on a limb and going to guess she wants both, at times she wants you to be sensitive, and at times to be a 'rock', and that is all about what is benefiting her in the moment.

Thing is her feelings are not more important than yours.

If you follow her rules of the moment you will end up utterly unhappy too. Her feelings are not more special than yours. What do you need to feel good about you?
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Re: Feel bad when I'm nice

Postby Fonzie09 » Wed Dec 18, 2019 11:37 pm

Thank you for reply, once again, appreciated and helpful. It’s strange.. I enjoy being soppy but as soon as something negative happens i.e an argument (which is inevitable in all relationships) my kind resets.. guard foes back up and back to square one. I want to be the ‘lap dog’ in a way.. I think it’s amazing when a man adores a women and expresses it, I adore her but can’t let this ‘act’ or ‘defence’ or whatever it is completely go.. sometimes I literally want to as for a kiss and don’t because I don’t want to look the ‘weaker’ party. It’s so hard to explain! I want to express once again this is not me trying to be big and clever. I look after her and love her I just struggle so much with this issue! You’re correct to some degree (if I read correctly?) she does like me to be that ‘strong/cool’ guy when it suits her.. says things like ‘oh that was cheesy’ about others etc so it once again strengthens my insecurities phobia of being that kind of man?... thanks for any help or forthcoming help. Most appreciated
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