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Retroactive jealousy - imagination or reality?

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Retroactive jealousy - imagination or reality?

Postby MadMoon » Wed Nov 27, 2019 1:14 pm

Hey guys, can someone please help me.

Sorry if my english isn't that perfect, I'm just about to learn it better.

So.. I met a incredible guy, someone for the future. But I'm just wondering if I should go "all in" for that person. He(23) is a bit younger than me(25). We fell in love and I can really feel how much he likes me. He seems to be very committed. There are literally no doubts. I struggled with Retroactive jealousy A LOT in my past relationships, but I am also pretty experienced, also sexually. So I had a lot of short realationships the last 6 years and that makes my RS go away more and more. In all the RS their Ex girlfriend(s) had been a problem for me emotionally and mentally. Some of them kept talking about their exes with me and didn't seemed to be over their past. They triggered it. Since a year I pretty much cleared myself up and I would say, I almost "cured" it. That's what I thought. The main reason why I would be jealous, is because of the present.

So my struggle right now is that: He has been in a relationship for 6 whole years! From 16-22. He broke up a year ago, because she had an alcohol problem. For me actually not a big deal his past. At least he was in only one RS and that proves, that he is capable of a longlasting RS. Great. But the problem is, that even after a year, he had his whole facebook page full of photos of her together with him. She has the same. I need to say that this is the main reason I dont really use FB anymore. It was more an accident I saw them and I WON'T go back to look at this. It's just very hurtful!! I simply didn't wanna see that girl. Now I kinda forget about it, cause it's been 3 weeks since. But I still wonder why keeping pictures of a past lover in public?? Or why keepin anyway? I got a hard time accepting it, and it's more because I don't understand and I struggle with trusting. I asked him the other day(with a lot of respect) why he keep it. His answer was: that the pictures are bounded to special moments he likes to think back. And he doesn't wanna delete them.
A day later he deactivated his FB-acc(without asking him or something) and one of the reasons was that I saw these pictures.. So I pretty appretiate it and that he understood why I asked him that.

So my main question is: do these pictures mean something or is it just my retroactive jealousy/OCD comin up?? What if she stops drinking alcohol and there is still love between them?? The imagination that he's "always" gonna love her kills me. So it's not about past anymore, it's about past in the present. And by the way, they still have contact!

I need clarity.
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Re: Retroactive jealousy - imagination or reality?

Postby xdude » Thu Nov 28, 2019 2:54 pm

Hey MadMoon,

It seems like you are self-aware enough to see the quandary here.

So if I got this right, he had a long term relationship that he didn't erase from his mind or social media quickly, which is attractive, but question, would you feel as you do (or even consider him as a potential mate) if he had a bunch of short-term relationships?


The thing about self-defeating goals is they are, well self-defeating. Sometimes the best advice is to step back from relationships for a while, and just focus on working out what is going on with us.
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Re: Retroactive jealousy - imagination or reality?

Postby MadMoon » Fri Nov 29, 2019 11:31 am

xdude wrote:Hey MadMoon,

It seems like you are self-aware enough to see the quandary here.

So if I got this right, he had a long term relationship that he didn't erase from his mind or social media quickly, which is attractive, but question, would you feel as you do (or even consider him as a potential mate) if he had a bunch of short-term relationships?


The thing about self-defeating goals is they are, well self-defeating. Sometimes the best advice is to step back from relationships for a while, and just focus on working out what is going on with us.


That was my plan, to not be in a relationship anymore for at least a few years, and then that guy showed up.. I didn't desire it, but I can't fight against it as well.
I would definitely consider him as a partner, even if he had some shortterm relationships. But I realized, that him being with only one girl over all these years makes him more attractive and trustworthy, also because I never had a guy like this before. I am basically the opposite of him in this case, and I respect him for this. I don't wanna know how he would feel if I would tell him all the things I did.

I wonder sometimes, if I'm just trying to find reasons to get out of these relationships cause I don't feel ready and I'm more the "flaky" type. I had one single past relationship in which I was 100% committed and emotionally ready, in which I was able to tolerate so much and not questioning his love for me. I could forget about his feelings for other girls better.

Anyway.. I think I can go through it and let it go. Cause as if he's making now a lot of new experiences with me and also because I am a different person, this girl will fall more in the background of his mind. I am (most of the time) very convinced about that due to my selfconfidence. My biggest fear is to be fooled or to find out later (after my committment), that there is still someone else in the game.
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Re: Retroactive jealousy - imagination or reality?

Postby realityhere » Sun Dec 01, 2019 7:32 am

Hi MadMoon,

Consider that in this day and age, many adults have a relationship/sex history. Which can actually enrich/enhance our current relationship, for we learn to define future intimacy terms from past experience. We get better at it with relationship experience and time.

"I don't wanna know how he would feel if I would tell him all the things I did."

That's a good perspective to remind yourself every time you get this jealousy. i understand that it's hard to do but do try to give the relationship time to develop. Have you been honest with him about your past relationships? If not, then your jealousy will not have much credence. Imagine how he would feel not knowing this part of your life.

The fact that he deactivated his facebook account is evidence he's trying to establish sincerity in his relationship with you. For starters.
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