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Forbidden feelings...

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Forbidden feelings...

Postby idreamofalan » Fri Nov 01, 2019 3:54 am

I've had feelings for her almost since I met her and it's not getting any better, nor can I see somebody else because she's the only decent one in my city or I would have switched by now...so I'm at a loss for how to handle it. Worse, she's a kind of therapist, and it's been two years and nothing has changed much no matter how hard I try to ignore my feelings.

(PS; if this is in the wrong spot, feel free to move it.)
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Re: Forbidden feelings...

Postby JustHelpful » Wed Nov 06, 2019 10:52 pm

My advice would be to consider what you want to happen as a starting point. There are a couple of guesses I have:

1. You want to continue obsessing over this girl.
Ok maybe you like obsessing over the girl. Its kind of fun to think about it and fantasize. It distracts you from other stuff that is less fun to think about/deal with. If that is the case great keep doing what you are doing don't change anything.

2. You want to see if she likes you so you can date her.
She either wants to date you or doesn't want to date you. Typically if you make it known that you want to date her and if she also happens to want to date you then this would generally be successful unless she has some other reason that holds her back. This could be professional considerations (i.e. If you are her patient or if she has a boyfriend, is married and monogamous etc...)

Best thing to do is to force her to reveal her intent (i.e. If she will date you or not). If she says yes then you should ask her out. If she says no then you should of course not ask her out and instead concentrate on what you want next for yourself.

3. You want a girl to date that you will like.
You mentioned it as if this woman is the only person in your mini-world of a city you live in. So perhaps you would be open to other women but to do so you kind of need to prime yourself first and be able to take the risk of reaching out and considering them as options.

The first thing you need to do is be the type of person who asks girls out. You don't need to be the person who is successful all the time, just the one who asks rather than fantasizes about what if.

Your first step would be to ask the girl out (your therapist?). The point is not to get her as a girlfriend or to date (but hey if she says yes then great) but instead to kind of re-position yourself as someone who sees someone that he likes and then asks for what he wants.

Even if you were only successful one out of every four times and you asked out 2 girls a month you would still be dating about 6 girls a year which isn't too shabby. Unless your location is super remote I am thinking that online dating sites and apps such as Tinder should really help you extend your available opportunities.

And even if you are long distance you can still strike something up that may be interested to you and who knows maybe you meet eventually.

Give it a try. Your feelings aren't forbidden at all if you are the patient or just some dude you can feel whatever the hell you want to feel and express it and your desires politely and its completely appropriate as long as the situation is legal (i.e. other person is of the appropriate age etc...)
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Re: Forbidden feelings...

Postby idreamofalan » Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:28 pm

JustHelpful: She's my therapist, though, so telling her anything would be crossing a lot of boundaries. And as I said, she's the only one in my area for the kind of therapy I'm seeing her for, or I'd have requested a referral a long time ago.
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Re: Forbidden feelings...

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Nov 19, 2019 10:43 pm

It is very, very, VERY common to develop feelings for one's therapist. There are lots of things you can read about it if you want, just do a Google search. I'm sure she's had LOTS of clients talk about their feelings of attraction to her, or wanting to be physical with her. It is not unusual at all.

It's part of her JOB to listen to all the thoughts and feelings of her clients--especially if they're about her. And it's YOUR job to talk about all of your thoughts and feelings, even (especially) if they're difficult to talk about. SHE is not allowed to cross boundaries with YOU, and has to be careful what she says. That does not apply to you as a client. It's going to be hard to make any progress in therapy unless you can bring these feelings up with her.

Also, no feelings are forbidden--feelings don't work that way. They happen as a natural process of being human, and are not meant to be controlled. It is actions that can be wrong and forbidden, but never feelings.

I'm sorry that you've been dealing with this alone for the past two years and that you felt you weren't supposed to bring it up with her.
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Re: Forbidden feelings...

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 20, 2019 5:08 pm

Much agreement with these two comments below ...

TheGangsAllHere wrote:...SHE is not allowed to cross boundaries with YOU, and has to be careful what she says. That does not apply to you as a client. It's going to be hard to make any progress in therapy unless you can bring these feelings up with her.


If she is a good therapist, you can bring this up with her. One struggle might be you already know on some level that she cannot feel the same, or shouldn't, so don't want to bring this up, but a good therapist won't judge you for what you feel.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Also, no feelings are forbidden--feelings don't work that way. They happen as a natural process of being human, and are not meant to be controlled. It is actions that can be wrong and forbidden, but never feelings.


Also agree with this. This also includes ambivalent feelings (aka feelings that are in conflict with each other). A good therapist can help you work through both sets of feelings, why the conflict, help you figure out how to weigh them, and what you want to do next. They cannot provide answers, but they can provide help with letting you sort it out.
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