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Bad breakup

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Bad breakup

Postby giliakis » Thu Oct 24, 2019 8:21 am

Good morning to all the members of this amazing forum

I'd like to share an experience of mine, because I am really confused and upset. First of all, I broke up with my girlfriend before 2 months. We had a relationship for almost one year and a half, and we were taking it very seriously. I was 21 and she was 18. We broke up, mainly because of her mother. She was very abusive (psychologically speaking) towards her, and I really didn't like that at all. She even sabotaged our relationship sometimes. We broke up because I was keeping telling my girlfriend that she has better to cut her off, first of all for the sake of her own well being, but she was really pathetic. After a lot of arguments, we broke up.

One part of the problem was that I am a uni student, so I didn't have the financial independence to support her, until she finds her way, in order to leave her house. Furthermore, I had a lot of crazy things happening in my life, so I didn't also have the appropriate mindset to support her. I was getting nervous all the time about that issue. So, I never persuaded her that I was right, because I messed it up.

I know that I was not responsible for not being able to help her, but it still hurts. Lets say that a relative of yours dies from an illness. You are not able to help him/her, it's not your own fault, but it hurts. I don't even miss her sexually or romantically speaking, I sleep with another girl also. But I really loved her (so it remains into your brain...........) and I cannot forget that she actually was in need for a better psychology and I couldn't support her. And of course I cannot describe how much I despise her mother............If she hadn't got involved, I would still be with my ex. That's crazy.

How could I get rid off those thoughts? I started to improve myself, so if I have to encounter such a situation in the future, I will be able to handle it properly. But I love(d) my ex and I cannot take that part of my past out of my mind.
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby Aries411 » Sat Oct 26, 2019 5:33 pm

Welcome to the forum,

Relations are a tricky thing since we all have different opinions on how to treat different situations. There is often no right or wrong, but just this huge grey area that we perceive as correct.

Two things came mind from your post...

1. In reference to her mother, even though she may be toxic to your ex and a bad influence, asking her to cut ties can create issues. Yes, it might be unhealthy, but its her mom. Your opinion is valid but you shouldn't push her to things like that. If however, she wanted to break ties with her mom for her own reason, or even your reasons, then that is fine. It has to be something she wants.

2. In order to be in a strong and healthy relationship, I think each individual has to be emotionally strong themselves. Co-dependency can be unhealthy, especially after a break up. It seem like you really care about your ex, but it really should stop you from moving on. With any bad event, we need to deal with the pain, learn from it and then move on. Ruminating in the past is never good for the present.
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby Spyrith » Mon Oct 28, 2019 9:27 am

You should never ask someone to cut relationships with anyone in their life, especially a relationship between parent and child.

The only thing you can do is to decide if you can accept a loved one has a relationship with a certain person. If you can accept, you continue the relationship. If you cannot, you end it.

If you cared about your girlfriend, you should have tried to find ways to help her improve her relationship with her mother, not end it entirely.
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby giliakis » Mon Oct 28, 2019 1:33 pm

Spyrith wrote: If you cared about your girlfriend, you should have tried to find ways to help her improve her relationship with her mother, not end it entirely.


First of all, thank both for your responses.
Secondly..Yes that sounds reasonable. But her mother was an enemy for our relationship, since she was keeping on sabotaging us. And my ex was doing nothing about that. So why do I have to support her improving her relationship with her mom, If her mom is against us?
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby xdude » Mon Oct 28, 2019 6:54 pm

giliakis wrote:One part of the problem was that I am a uni student, so I didn't have the financial independence to support her, until she finds her way, in order to leave her house.


It all starts with this belief. You get love for being the supportive one, and she gets love for what reason?
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby giliakis » Mon Oct 28, 2019 10:38 pm

xdude wrote:
giliakis wrote:One part of the problem was that I am a uni student, so I didn't have the financial independence to support her, until she finds her way, in order to leave her house.


It all starts with this belief. You get love for being the supportive one, and she gets love for what reason?


I didn't get it.
I believe that we have to support each other when we are in need. That's the point of a serious relationship, isn't it?
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby Aries411 » Tue Oct 29, 2019 5:00 am

giliakis wrote:So why do I have to support her improving her relationship with her mom, If her mom is against us?


Relationships are complicated and tough when it involves another person like a parent, especially when you are both quite young. I can definitely see your point of not supporting her mother, since she was sabotaging your relationship, but you also said that it lead to many arguments before so is it safe to say that your ex was defending some actions of her mom? If that is correct, then I think you may have over stepped your boundaries a bit (imo, the mother did as well, but we are all different in the way we act).

I don't know if this helps but my wife does not get along with my mother at all. She wishes my mom were dead. I have had many arguments with my wife regarding my mom which cause a huge strain on the relationship. In the end, we now all co-exist by simply avoidance. I have tried for years to fix it but they are both stubborn. This eventually took a huge toll on me since I was just the middle-man and it wasn't fair (I was getting yelled at from both sides). I realized that the only way it would be fixed is if they both wanted to fix it (they never would) and they eventually realized it was best to just avoid each other. Problem was never fixed and nor will be, but we can all survive 'together'.
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby giliakis » Tue Oct 29, 2019 8:30 am

Aries411 wrote:
I don't know if this helps but my wife does not get along with my mother at all. She wishes my mom were dead. I have had many arguments with my wife regarding my mom which cause a huge strain on the relationship. In the end, we now all co-exist by simply avoidance. I have tried for years to fix it but they are both stubborn. This eventually took a huge toll on me since I was just the middle-man and it wasn't fair (I was getting yelled at from both sides). I realized that the only way it would be fixed is if they both wanted to fix it (they never would) and they eventually realized it was best to just avoid each other. Problem was never fixed and nor will be, but we can all survive 'together'.


I understand what you're trying to say. I know that there are too many situations worldwide, that someone can hate his or her in laws. However, most of the times the reasons for hating them are silly. At least that is what I have noticed. My problem is that when a real and serious problem exists (the abusive mother) that has harmed the
Psychology of your partner in a lot of ways, you can never accept those people continue doing their stuff and laughing about that.

Unfortunately, I realised that most people put up with abusive behaviours. So maybe what I have to do is to look for girls who come from a healthy family :P
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby xdude » Tue Oct 29, 2019 5:26 pm

giliakis wrote:I didn't get it.
I believe that we have to support each other when we are in need. That's the point of a serious relationship, isn't it?


It is about this, or could be, but there are two parts to this I think...

Part #1 is about being supportive.

Part #2 is about making sure you are getting support too.

People don't necessarily go in with an ill intent, but imbalances happen, and none of us are immune from taking far more then we give.

Let me try differently then. You posted here for a reason. You saw an imbalance. I want to be kind here... I have no doubt you are a good person who gives much. Just what I want to communicate is it's also important, you have to set boundaries too, make sure the books balance (so to speak), so that you don't end up hurting yourself by doing most of the giving, and not getting back what you need too. It's okay to need somethings for you!
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Re: Bad breakup

Postby giliakis » Tue Oct 29, 2019 6:39 pm

xdude wrote:
giliakis wrote:I didn't get it.
I believe that we have to support each other when we are in need. That's the point of a serious relationship, isn't it?


It is about this, or could be, but there are two parts to this I think...

Part #1 is about being supportive.

Part #2 is about making sure you are getting support too.

People don't necessarily go in with an ill intent, but imbalances happen, and none of us are immune from taking far more then we give.

Let me try differently then. You posted here for a reason. You saw an imbalance. I want to be kind here... I have no doubt you are a good person who gives much. Just what I want to communicate is it's also important, you have to set boundaries too, make sure the books balance (so to speak), so that you don't end up hurting yourself by doing most of the giving, and not getting back what you need too. It's okay to need somethings for you!


I had't thought that way back then...You are right. That girl was not bad, but actually she used to support me only if she hadn't to sacrifice something important. For example, it was easy for her to get me breakfast a time I was ill, but she was too selfish to sacrifice something more important than five euros :P I knew she was selfish and I accepted that because I am not also a perfect person, and frankly speaking, no one is perfect. Maybe that's why she was always denying to talk about the issue I made the topic for, and she new how upset and irritated I was. I loved her, but now I feel that I made the right choice to break up with her, as difficult as it was.
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