Our partner

NPD bf of 2 years has been seeing a man. Is he gay?

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

NPD bf of 2 years has been seeing a man. Is he gay?

Postby lechatnoir » Wed Oct 23, 2019 11:02 pm

I'm confused and heartbroken.

I've been in a rocky, on-off-on-off again relationship with a covert type, somatic Narcissist. I did not diagnose him on my own, he has several times over the years told me his issues and that he suspects he is, but refuses to get treatment for it. Sometimes he has periods of clarity where he doesn't seem disordered at all, but most of the time he slips into it along with all the typical somatic behaviors that come with it.

I've been working on myself to erect boundaries and extract myself from the relationship and I'm in a much better position than I was before, but I still slip up and get involved with him again.

The entire two years we've been "together" (I say that loosely because we could barely go 3 months without him vanishing without a trace, before resurfacing again several weeks later.) he would triangulate me with three specific women. I never met these women, nor did I know them, but he would give me context clues such as where they lived, what they did for a living, etc. Whenever he and I were on the "outs", he'd invariably let it be known to me that he was with one of these women.

He is a businessman and splits his time pretty equally between 3 cities. Long story short, and unfortunately I can't give all the details here because they are too specific, but I accidentally found out, unexpectedly, that all 3 of these "women" he's been talking about are actually all the same person, and that person is a gay man. There is a plethora of information about this person available online. This person also lives in, works in, and regularly travels to the exact same cities that my ex-bf spends time in for work. In fact, they used to live less than a mile away from each other. All the details match, age, career(s) (he has more than one and they all match each of these mythical women he's told me about), living and working location, 100% the conclusion is that all these women he's told me about is actually just a gay male he's been seeing.

Further, I've drawn the conclusion that their relationship pre-dates ours and that I'm likely the "side" person in the equation here, and this man is his primary relationship. Again, I can't go into the details without seriously risking their privacy but this nearly for certain is the case.

I really don't know what to think. I'm in a state of shock. He has several gay male friends, one of his work partners is gay, he seems comfortable in his sexuality and being masculine or feminine, so I'm surprised he feels the pressure to be in the closet. I am so confused! I'm oscillating between sadness for him that he feels he has to hide this big secret, but I also wonder if this is just how pwNPD are, they don't care where supply comes from as long as it's supply? This ‘other wo-man’ is clearly good supply. Semi - famous, intellectual, beautiful, essentially a younger v 2.0 of himself.

I'm not mad. I'm not going to call him out. I’m not going to confront. But I have no idea what to do or say or think now. I spent all night bawling, partly out of sadness, partially relieved for having an answer to this weirdness, finally, but now I feel numb and I need to talk to someone about this. If I stuff this inside of me and move on without discussing this with someone, I'm afraid I'm going to end up falling into a depression of this whole charade of a relationship that I stupidly hoped would still somehow work out in the end. I just need to get this out.

I haven't said anything and won't. We're not on speaking terms as of yesterday, which is also when I found out. Any advice on how to proceed in a responsible manner in this situation would be appreciated.
lechatnoir
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Fri Jun 05, 2020 2:15 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: NPD bf of 2 years has been seeing a man. Is he gay?

Postby Akuma » Thu Oct 24, 2019 5:29 am

Most of what you writing here seems to be head-cinema. If you want to be "responsible" , then have a talk with him about your fears. In addition I would suggest talking to your therapist about this and if you dont have one then to get one, at least for short-term counceling, that can be very helpful in getting another perspective on things.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
Akuma
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1750
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:56 pm
Local time: Fri Jun 05, 2020 9:15 am
Blog: View Blog (1)

Re: NPD bf of 2 years has been seeing a man. Is he gay?

Postby lechatnoir » Thu Oct 24, 2019 9:35 pm

If by "head cinema" you think I'm making it up or imagining things, that's not the case. I know for a fact he's been hiding a long-term relationship with another man, and has instead been pretending to be seeing various women instead. As mentioned in the post, I didn't include those details for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say, this is not something that I'm pulling out of thin air, there's pretty concrete evidence, I'll leave it at that.
lechatnoir
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Fri Jun 05, 2020 2:15 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: NPD bf of 2 years has been seeing a man. Is he gay?

Postby Akuma » Fri Oct 25, 2019 5:38 am

lechatnoir wrote:If by "head cinema" you think I'm making it up or imagining things, that's not the case. I know for a fact he's been hiding a long-term relationship with another man, and has instead been pretending to be seeing various women instead. As mentioned in the post, I didn't include those details for privacy reasons, but suffice it to say, this is not something that I'm pulling out of thin air, there's pretty concrete evidence, I'll leave it at that.


I mean youre wasting time by trying to figure it out via your imagination and making a thread on a forum. Noone here knows the guy. You should talk to him or let it go. But even if you let it go you probably wont get around talking to him sooner or later anyways. What is clear from here are two things. First of all gay men dont date women, so theres some issue there you should resolve. Secondly you have a relationship with someone you apparently dont trust and where you would rather ask total strangers who can't give you answers, instead of having a talk with him. Thats not healthy, which is why again I invite you to see a therapist.
dx: dissociative disorder + npd
Akuma
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1750
Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:56 pm
Local time: Fri Jun 05, 2020 9:15 am
Blog: View Blog (1)


Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests