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Guy with close female friend

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Guy with close female friend

Postby Aj86 » Sun Sep 15, 2019 10:04 pm

Sorry if this is a long post. Would really like to hear women's point of view from what my friend may be thinking in her mind but also would like to hear from the guys point of view as well.

I am a guy with a very close female friend who is a co-worker also. She is 43 and I'm 32. I get told I am very mature for my age. Have been told that since I was 16 (long story behind that). We know a lot about each other, more than most people would think. We have a bond that I have never experienced before with any other relationship I have had in my life prior to now. We think alike, say the same thing at the same time and act simular. All frequently accruing. She gets anxiety if I'm not at work during the day when she works. I feel I have some anxiety as well if I don't get to see her, I do miss her those days as she does me. Days that we are off we text frequently and call and talk at times also. There are little things that I am having trouble understanding or would like some clarity. She says I calm her down when she gets anxiety and/or upset about something just by the sound of my voice or my presents being there. We do tell each other we love each other which to the best of my knowledge she means it in a close friend manner also. We hug often and also have the occational kiss on the cheek. I believe she trusts me deeper than anyone of her other friends. She has even called me her best friend several times to other people/customers at work and does it with enthusiasm. Even her parents love me. They hug me really tight eveytime they see me. She talks to her parents about things we do. She also will grab my arm at times to get my attention or when she's walking pass me from behind she will pat or slide her hands over my back or squeeze my shoulders at times. She's definitely comfortable be around me. She's not afraid to stand close enough to me for our arms to touch. We go to lunch most days together that we work. When we talk to each other or are conversing she has this dead stare in my eyes while she does it. I always make eye contact when I talk to people. It's respectful.

We are both in other relationships but both are on thin ice I feel. At least I know for a fact mine is on it's last leg. I am actually currently preparing for the worse for mine. She says all the time she don't want to be around the guy she is with and is relieved when he's gone on the road. Her and I have never been sexual at all. Strong hugs and some kisses on the cheek is all but I believe (at least from my perspective) it was in a friend like manner. We joke around a lot, laugh our asses off all the time. She says things like "hearing you laugh and making you smile is my favorite thing" or "you brighten my day." A few days ago, her son (who's 23) was in a bind on money for a few days asked to borrow $20 from his mom (my friend) to get him by till pay day. He has never asked for money. She had $44 in her account and she gave him $40, pretty much all she had. We met him down at the gas station because he was needing fuel to get to work and home also. I asked her if he needed more money to get through the week. She says she was giving all she had and hoped it would get him through (she cares a lot about her sons). I told her I will fill his tank up so he don't have to worry about gas for the week at least... Later that evening she messaged me that she wanted to cry because of it. She said she greatly appriecated it and that it was such a sweet gesture. I didn't really think much about it, I just did it. I've been at the stage in life before. I know how it feels. She said she didn't cry because she wanted to enjoy our lunch break together with the time we had together.

So, I hoping to try understand a little better what she might be thinking in her mind.... or if I'm over thinking this. Is she using me? Is she trying to keep me close so if our other relationships do go south she has someone to go to? Or are we just that close of friends? Or does she possibly feel something different for me and is trying to not show it till the right time? I'm pretty confident we care a lot about each other and both feel for the other.

I appreciate any feed back. Ask any questions you may have. Thanks

(I'm aware of the focus that should be on the other relationships but that's not what I want this post to be about)
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Re: Guy with close female friend

Postby xdude » Mon Sep 16, 2019 8:42 pm

Hey man,

There was a lot going on in your post, but I admit, I found this to be the key sentence...

Aj86 wrote:...She says all the time she don't want to be around the guy she is with and is relieved when he's gone on the road...


I suspect you already know, if you get more deeply involved, this will be the sentence you tells other men too. Yea, I know you care about her, but you know the meaning of this too, before long, she will be telling other men this exact same thing. True?
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Re: Guy with close female friend

Postby eterea107 » Tue Sep 17, 2019 9:46 am

Female here, I agree with xdude. I think she may be taking advantage of you.

Also, I am not judging either of you, but I imagine both of your romantic partners could possibly feel resentful over the close relationship you have with each other. Her relationship is her own business, but you said yours is on your last leg. It sounds like it might be wise to communicate with your partner and *their* needs in their relationship with you. Are they feeling neglected? Are they also friends with this woman? Do you want to remain in the relationship?
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Re: Guy with close female friend

Postby xdude » Tue Sep 17, 2019 11:52 am

eterea107 wrote:Female here, I agree with xdude. I think she may be taking advantage of you.


And to be clear, I am really not picking on her but if you took that sentence and switched into something like -

"He says all the time he doesn't want to be around the woman he is with, and is relieved when she is gone on the road..."

Would that change your view of what she is saying to you? Perhaps not, but switching things around like that can help us to better sort out what is really going on.
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Re: Guy with close female friend

Postby Aj86 » Thu Sep 19, 2019 10:10 pm

Ok, so if she is "using me" what actions can I take to altar that but still be helpful/caring? I mean, I don't have many friends I'm this close to and neither does she. We understand each other to a whole different level. She says she wants out her situation and I feel the same way about mine. Now, I don't want to imply right now that the motive or goal for her and I to "end up together" but we are genuinely not happy with our partners. She doesn't really have anywhere to go either I feel. She don't have much money, transportation, or credit for a loan. I have been trying to be a good friend to her without crossing a personal barrier. I think we have done a good job of that overall. We trust each other more than pretty much everyone else.

Would it be cool if we did end up together sometime down the road? Yes.... I believe we would have a great time. I however, assuming our current relationships don't hold together don't want to be her "rebound guy" nor do I want her to be my "rebound girl." Our chemistry is ridiculously good.
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Re: Guy with close female friend

Postby xdude » Fri Sep 20, 2019 6:19 am

You know her far better than any of us can.

Just a couple of thoughts -

I know you already know this, but the sex drive can really mess with our heads. We can see all kinds of things that aren't really there. Us guys especially can confuse ourselves.

I really hate giving advice because it can backfire, but if you were my buddy I'd say consider backing off for a bit. It seems you two have known each other long enough that if she is interested she will show you. If not, it's better to learn that now then later. There is another reason to do this though.

Do you really want a partner where you are having to make most of the effort all the time? People in our lives tend to do whatever we teach them will work, and so ultimately we are responsible to some degree for the pattern we establish with them.
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