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Why Do I keep Falling For My Best Friends?

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Why Do I keep Falling For My Best Friends?

Postby confusedkid » Fri Jun 14, 2019 9:12 am

I am a boy. I am 18 years old.
My story begins with myself as a child.
I had a friend who I used to hang out with almost every day of my childhood for years. I found myself becoming increasingly attached and easily getting jealous of his interactions with other boys. I had a strong emotional connection with him which I thought was mutual, but in hindsight I can tell that my emotional connection was much stronger than his was. Even as children. Eventually we stopped being friends due to gradual separation which I was okay with at the time.
Fast-forward a few years to my freshman year of high school. I meet this boy who I become very close with. We became such good friends that we would call each other "best friends". My emotional attachment to this boy was incredibly strong. There were times when I would cry because he wouldn't want to hang out with me on that day (for reasons that were completely unrelated to me, which is something that I did not understand at the time). I was also attracted to his body. During this time is when I really started to realize that I might be gay. He started calling me a "girl" because I was so emotionally attached and easily hurt by his actions. Because of this he stopped wanting to be my friend. We gradually started to hang out together less and less because he began to often reject my offers to spend time together. After we stopped hanging out completely, I felt like my heart was broken. I really couldn't believe that I had lost my "best friend".
A year after I lost that friendship, I start to become very close with another one of my guy friends. Again, after a lot of time spent together, it got to the point where we referred to each other as "best friends". The attraction that I had/have with this boy is extremely strong. I would even go as far to say that I fell in love with him. Early in our friendship, I would give him massages every night at his house. These massages turned me on big time but I never made a sexual move on him because I was afraid of losing my friendship with him. There was always a thought in my head that he was getting turned on too. But he insists to this day that he is not gay. He made me realize that I was probably gay and so I ended up coming out to him. I guess my motive in that was to show him that I have interest in him without explicitly saying it. I was hoping that he would say "me too" and we would get together or whatever. He was super cool about it, but he didn't tell me that he felt the same way. My heart broke as I began to realize that he really does not feel the same way about me.
I am in a really weird situation because he is my best friend, and I am his best friend, but I am in love with him. I want to get over this love but I can't bear to lose my friendship with him that I have had for four years. We even left for college, separate for months, and I am still not over him. I think part of the reason why is because something in me feels like we could still be together. Something deep down in my soul truly believes that he is gay and afraid to act on it. The way he treats me and other boys makes me think that he is gay! But he insists that he is not. Am I holding on to something I need to get rid of?
Any advice would help.
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Re: Why Do I keep Falling For My Best Friends?

Postby Snaga » Fri Jun 14, 2019 5:45 pm

Hello and welcome!

I moved this from Sexuality, to Relationships, but I did leave a link in the original forum, I think it's a bit overlappy. You seem pretty solid in your own sexual assessment of yourself. You had me thinking you were gay just a little into reading your story. So we can set that aside.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not up on how guys your age act these days, but for my generation, one guy giving another a massage (outside of a professional setting) seems awfully 'gay'. It sounds to me as if they might be a bit unsure of themselves, or conflicted. If they were put out by it, they wouldn't have let you massage them. And if they're really close friends like you say they are, I can't see him playing with your feelings in some sort of deep head game.

The way I see it, you have three choices-...

Keep things as they are... and you're going to be suffering, on the inside. For all you know- if you're right about him, then he might be suffering, as well.

Or you can drift away, like you've had to do, before.

Or... you can find a time, and a way, to gently tell him you like him as more than a friend, and would he be interested in exploring that. That gives him an out, if he's truly not gay or bi, or if he's just too scared to act on his feelings. I wouldn't argue with his assertion that he's not gay, just ask if he'd like to explore things further.

For all we know, he could be experiencing some same-sex urges, but is in self-denial, or thinks of himself as bisexual. I consider myself bi, and have no problem saying I'm not gay- although there's a lot of ways I 'act' very gay. But I'm not- I like girls just fine, thank you. I just happen to like a lot more. So he could be being truthful in his mind, but wanting to wiggle out of the question.

If you do tell him explicitly, that you have romantic interest in him, and he rejects it, yes I know- you might lose the entire friendship. I've been there- in a opposite sex attraction, not a same-sex one, but still.... and it took a lot of work for me to build up the nerve to ask her out, and when she politely declined, I never touched it again. Fortunately, it didn't make things too weird, and we remain good friends, decades down the road. But I'd decided that losing friendship, was a risk I was willing to take. You have to decide which matters the most to you- keeping a friendship which, for the time being, leaves you hungry with longing, or take the chance that he just needs a little gentle nudging. And be willing to accept the chance of total loss.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm.. very avoidant, and often afraid to take risks, but I do recognise, that sometimes we must.

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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