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Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon May 06, 2019 6:59 pm

the cold hard truth is that people say and do things that they don't really mean. and because they don't care about the consequences of their words and deeds they can really hurt the people they do such things to.

yes, you could probably stick a label on this if you tried hard enough. does it excuse her. no. bear in mind that you could stick some sort of label on everyone that you will ever meet. DSM is like that. it focuses of mental illness, not mental health. and her behaviour was far from mentally healthy. but, if you ask my honest opinion, i'm sticking with what i said previously.

and so you went for her. so what. she deserved it. candidly, bottling this up is doing you no good anyway. you need to let it out and move on.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby m16 » Mon May 06, 2019 8:25 pm

My therapist has said she seems to exhibit traits of a person with PD but also said I can't diagnose her since she has never met my ex. But also when I asked her why she felt so strongly about that (pretty much since the first time I told her the whole story, before she slept with my friends roommate again and posted the essentially nude instagram), the things she said were not things I've read about regarding PDs, but rather things that support that she's not a stable person. Either way, even if she told me she was diagnosed with a PD, I'd still be upset and hurt that I wasn't a great enough presence or love in her life to trump that.

I really just thought I was different to her. I thought she felt the same crazy connection I did. I thought that's why she came back to me with such certainty and commitment. She certainly acted like she did. But obviously I was wrong.

As I've said I'm having a really tough time reconciling who this person is. I guess I have to accept that these bad things she has done are in fact part of who she is as a person and stop only remembering the loving, affectionate, sweet girl that she was when dating me. Even though the quantity of good times with her outnumber the instances of messed up things she's done, the negatives are not small things and should out weigh the good. I can't seem to connect any true emotion of anger/hate to the messed up things she did, but that immense happiness is still connected to the times we spent together, this makes it impossible to balance the scale in my heart.

It's tough to get that to sink in and accept it.

I don't know why I got so attached to this one girl out of all of them but it feels like I'm never going to move on. I wanted it to work so so badly and in my heart and soul felt us being together was so right. And I get that some of her actions when we were not dating/together should say something to me, but when we were together, especially the second time when she committed to me, the way she looked at me, the things she said, the way she acted, it felt like she felt the exact same way. I have thought about her every single day for almost 2 years, she was the first girl I loved and I thought loved me, how am I supposed to stop thinking about somebody that, for me, has been such a significant person in my life? I think the toughest part is letting go.

Having such a hard time making progress in the healing process. I still hurt so much. I still miss so much. I don't know why I want to hold on. Hold on to her, our memories together, this pain. I've never had to get over and move on from somebody I loved before. This is not supposed to be my reality right now.
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon May 06, 2019 10:17 pm

i guess we all have some sort of idea of what our lives ought to be like. and when we find out that they're not it can be truly crushing. we start to doubt everything. life starts to take on the quality of an illusion.

i can find no fault with your conduct. not even having a go at her, under the circumstances.

for what it's worth my one and only girlfriend was schizophrenic. she used to accuse me of all sorts of crazy things. i was absolutely desperate to make a go of the relationship and hung in there much too long. only looking back can i see the mistakes that i made. she could be all sweetness and life. and she could turn on a dime. and that wasn't the schizophrenia. that's just how she was. that's how i know how people can behave. i've seen it for myself. it eventually transpired that she'd never felt anything for me. that's not a good feeling.

you need to see this experience for what it really was. she used you. and then she dumped you cold. nice people don't do that sort of thing.

call it a PD if you like but i think you're trying to excuse her behaviour in some way and i don't think it was excusable.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby xdude » Wed May 08, 2019 2:36 pm

m16 wrote:My therapist has said she seems to exhibit traits of a person with PD but also said I can't diagnose her since she has never met my ex. ... Either way, even if she told me she was diagnosed with a PD, I'd still be upset and hurt that I wasn't a great enough presence or love in her life to trump that.


Hey man,

We are also not qualified to diagnose, so again, all you'll get is guesses, but that doesn't mean you are wrong. Based on what you wrote I'd wager you are right, if she was ever to be diagnosed.

I think the one thing I keep reading here and on the SOFF sub-forum is that partners of people with PDs end up feeling far more hurt than the average case, and here is my guess as to why that is -

1.) The love bombing to start; most relationships ramp up more slowly (i.e., both have some time to develop that deeper attachment).

2.) The sudden discard; most relationships ramp down more slowly (i.e., both have some time to process that it's not working out).

3.) It could also be that people with certain PDs consciously or unconsciously pick others who are inclined to become very quickly emotionally attached, and really do feel that way. The extreme givers, supporters, and unfortunately, fixers. What better ego stroke than to have someone so fall for me thinking?

Partners of people with PDs often end up feeling hurt for months, years, even longer, unable to get their head/heart around 'how could this person love me so intensely, then so quickly and easily discard me for someone else?' In that light, it's very understandable why the partner wants to know what happened, and arguably healthy too, so that they can steer clear of the extremes of a disorder in the future.

Of course the thing with PD's is almost nobody is going to come out at day one and say "I have a personality disorder". It's even more understandable then why people who have been left feeling utterly crushed by someone with a PD want to know the signs of PDs so they can both recover from the hurt, and avoid repeating the same again with someone else who has a PD but hides it well early on.
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed May 08, 2019 8:18 pm

the important thing here is that you stop taking this personally and start looking towards the future again. constantly raking over this will just trap you in the past. if you're doing anything wrong here, it's the belief that you could've made a difference when you weren't the problem. she'll continue messing with other peoples' lives until she gets her fingers burnt so badly that she has to actually think about what she's doing. the more time you spend on trying to figure this out, the more of your life she'll have wasted for you. so, stop thinking about her and start thinking about anything else but her. seriously, you need to let this go now.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby xdude » Thu May 09, 2019 8:45 am

m16 wrote:...
Having such a hard time making progress in the healing process. I still hurt so much. I still miss so much. I don't know why I want to hold on. Hold on to her, our memories together, this pain. I've never had to get over and move on from somebody I loved before. This is not supposed to be my reality right now.


Sucks man. I can write that many others here have written the same. It's very hard to get over a relationship with someone who has HPD or NPD or BPD. It does get better though, but it takes time and good to read you are speaking with a therapist.

I have no doubt you do not give your feelings lightly, so it's especially hard for you to let them go.

I know this isn't entirely politically correct, but if this had been some guy who treated his gf the way she treated you, we would all just say he is a [fill in blank names of choice]. We wouldn't think he is just a poor misunderstood prince, etc. It's great that chivalry is not dead, but it really sucks to learn the hard way that females can be every bit as selfish and cruel as males. You probably are going to have go through the anger stage of grieving before you can get over it, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

If it helps any, I didn't get over my HPD ex until I realized just how cruel she was. I had to feel that anger, and turn off my belief she was just misunderstood. Eventually she admitted, she is just a selfish b****, a racist, takes pride in exploiting others, absolutely believes she is always right, and more. She definitely did a great job of putting on a good show of being someone else, but again, if it had been a guy we'd have all just said no big surprise, some are like that.

I know it's going to be painful for you to see your ex in a negative light, since it will mean letting go of the hope and the memories of good times, but I do hope you get there.
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby realityhere » Sat May 11, 2019 8:32 pm

"But there is also a part of me that has had the thought, she DID a number of really truly messed up things to me"

xdude made some excellent points.

Women are perceived in society as all "sugar and spice" and it's a perception that has been perpetuated for many years. And men are often perceived as "protectors and fixers". When we encounter the opposites of what is expected in gender roles, it's hard to adjust what we "perceived" in a person versus what we actually saw, the hard truth that some ppl are wired differently. The deception is the hardest part of all.

As to the quoted remark above, you were seeing red flags already.
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby xdude » Tue May 14, 2019 7:01 am

realityhere wrote:"But there is also a part of me that has had the thought, she DID a number of really truly messed up things to me"

xdude made some excellent points.

Women are perceived in society as all "sugar and spice" and it's a perception that has been perpetuated for many years. And men are often perceived as "protectors and fixers". When we encounter the opposites of what is expected in gender roles, it's hard to adjust what we "perceived" in a person versus what we actually saw, the hard truth that some ppl are wired differently. The deception is the hardest part of all.

As to the quoted remark above, you were seeing red flags already.


Thanks reality, it's so true, and I suspect he is a man who does not want to lose his belief in women are always "sugar and spice"; it's a great trait to have, and sucks to lose that belief. Many women do have good hearts, just as do many men, but when we cross paths with the self-absorbed, it's a harsh lesson. Maybe a bit more so for guys who learned the sugar and spice story, and base our whole lives on this belief.

If you are still reading m16, I do hope you can come to a place of accepting you did nothing wrong, you just got involved with someone who is self-absorbed.

Best,
xdude
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby m16 » Wed May 15, 2019 3:17 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote: if you're doing anything wrong here, it's the belief that you could've made a difference when you weren't the problem. she'll continue messing with other peoples' lives until she gets her fingers burnt so badly that she has to actually think about what she's doing.



xdude wrote:I have no doubt you do not give your feelings lightly, so it's especially hard for you to let them go.

I know this isn't entirely politically correct, but if this had been some guy who treated his gf the way she treated you, we would all just say he is a [fill in blank names of choice]. We wouldn't think he is just a poor misunderstood prince, etc. It's great that chivalry is not dead, but it really sucks to learn the hard way that females can be every bit as selfish and cruel as males. You probably are going to have go through the anger stage of grieving before you can get over it, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I know it's going to be painful for you to see your ex in a negative light, since it will mean letting go of the hope and the memories of good times, but I do hope you get there.


I certainly don't take my feelings lightly. I don't take commitment lightly either. I was sure she was the same way. I've dated and slept around and had my fun but never committed, called a girl my girlfriend, told a girl I loved her till this girl, I just turned 29 in January. I probably should have been MUCH more cautious with my heart when she came back, but I thought we both felt this rare powerful connection, we hadn't been able to stay away from each other in between relationships, and she came back wanting to be committed (which I thought she took VERY seriously), said all those things, followed them up with signs of certainty and commitment, was doing what she could to assuage the trust issues, based on everything I knew and what she was showing me, I thought I truly was special to her and we truly did have something special between us and she truly did love me and want to be with me and was in it for the long haul and to make it work. At some point, you have to let your guard down when all the evidence (I guess recent evidence) is pointing towards something right?

I'm having a very tough time drawing up any anger/hatred for her for some reason. The things she has done, I should be every angry about, but I'm not, I just get sad that they happened. When I'm missing her, I try to list off these things she's done to remind myself the type of person she is, sometimes it clicks, most of the time it's just a logical list that I run through with no emotion attached. But when I think of the good times and her, sadness is attached to that because I miss her. It's tough to balance out because the QUANTITY of good times we had together are much more than the QUANTITY of bad things she's done. But the bad things she has done should in my mind OUTWEIGH the good times.

Why can't I see her for all that she is? Why can't I emphasize these bad parts of her? Why would I even think about being with a person like this again? Why can't I truly see that I am better off without her but just feel sad I don't have her anymore?

xdude wrote:
realityhere wrote:"But there is also a part of me that has had the thought, she DID a number of really truly messed up things to me"

xdude made some excellent points.

Women are perceived in society as all "sugar and spice" and it's a perception that has been perpetuated for many years. And men are often perceived as "protectors and fixers". When we encounter the opposites of what is expected in gender roles, it's hard to adjust what we "perceived" in a person versus what we actually saw, the hard truth that some ppl are wired differently. The deception is the hardest part of all.

As to the quoted remark above, you were seeing red flags already.


Thanks reality, it's so true, and I suspect he is a man who does not want to lose his belief in women are always "sugar and spice"; it's a great trait to have, and sucks to lose that belief. Many women do have good hearts, just as do many men, but when we cross paths with the self-absorbed, it's a harsh lesson. Maybe a bit more so for guys who learned the sugar and spice story, and base our whole lives on this belief.

If you are still reading m16, I do hope you can come to a place of accepting you did nothing wrong, you just got involved with someone who is self-absorbed.

Best,
xdude


For some reason, and this may seem odd, the fact that people are who they are, that they have their own personalities that drive their behavior, that they have their own nature, this is something I am struggling to come to terms with. Maybe because I’ve grown up with mostly good people and running into somebody like my ex that treats people in the way she does is foreign to me or maybe only because for the first time it’s directly affected me. Maybe it’s because her personality is so bubbly, friendly, kind, empathetic, seems like a good, nice, normal person, appears to be the same kind of person as the rest of my friends, that the self absorbed, selfish, untrustworthy actions are such a stark contrast it’s like how can the same person posses character traits on polar opposites on the spectrum of “good and bad”. Maybe it’s because I’m in general a good, considerate person, that I can’t possibly comprehend what drives her sort of behavior because my brain simply isn’t wired like that.

For whatever reason in my head I’ve been thinking, if she had loved me the way I loved her, if I was enough for her, something for her would “click” and she would be ready for a serious relationship and want to be with me and only me and treat me amazing and I guess ultimately be this amazing person, that any of these negative parts of her personality would melt away or switch off. Almost like somebody could “tame” her and I beat myself up asking why wasn’t I enough to be that person.
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Re: Ex-gf HPD/NPD/BPD? Crushed by Blindside Breakup

Postby realityhere » Wed May 15, 2019 7:56 pm

An extreme personality as such that your ex displayed during the relationship tends to be wired early in life, so no amount of your love and attention will "fix" the bad parts of her personality. That push and pull in the relationship is characteristic of a relationship with a disordered personality, it's all she knows as she learned from dysfunctional family dynamics very early as a young girl. It's like a vessel that needs constant re-filling and it's never enough. She needs re-fills from others, even other men, which explains why you were never enough for her.

Only she herself, with the help of a professional therapist, can fix herself, if she truly wants to, but too often as is the case with some people who have extreme personalities, they don't see anything wrong with themselves.
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