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Boyfriend with ASPD

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Boyfriend with ASPD

Postby randomuser » Sun Dec 23, 2018 11:19 pm

Hey guys.
So I don't really have anyone around me that has or knows someone with this kind of disorder so I did not know who to talk to about it, hence why I'm posting here. I will try to make it as short as I can.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 months, known him for about 4. Basically, he told me he has diagnosed ASPD pretty early in the relationship. He has also told me about how he was a problematic child (no abuse from his family though) and some other things that his disorder can make him do (such as not thinking about how the other person will feel before saying something or having random feelings of anger and impulsiveness - which he puts up with instead of doing something stupid to make the feeling go away).

Anyway, he started seeing a therapist again about at the same time as he started seeing me. Things are going really well. We have a lot in common, always have fun, have really good conversation, etc. We haven't had any fights so far. The only small arguments we had was during debates on a random subject where I would call him out on concentrating too much on being right and he acknowledged how I felt and apologized. Overall, he treats me very well, we communicate well and he admits when he did something wrong after I expressed how it made me feel. The only "bigger" thing we had was when he slept over one time and left in the middle of the night without much explanation. I was really confused, but he wrote to me after that what he did wasn't right and that he's sorry. Later he explained that he had had one of those "bad feelings" and just had to go take some air alone.

So because I have never encountered someone with this disorder, nor know that much about it except the basics, I did not take it as a "deal breaker" and tried to be understanding, because I didn't wanna limit who he is to this disorder. However, this has been lingering a lot on my mind for the past few days, because yesterday he told me that his psychologist said that he should break up with me so that I don't get hurt (to which his reaction was that he did not agree with her). So that really stuck to me and I started to read about Aspd online to try to get some insight on how relationships work with someone who has it. And honestly, I have mostly only found really negative things, which really upset me because I do like him a lot. However, I want to remain realistic and rational in case it's something that just can't work in the long term.

Now, I told him that I want to talk more about his disorder so I can understand it better and he agreed. Also, all the things he has told me about his Aspd so far have all come from him, I never directly asked him any questions about it.
I am going to have a conversation about it with him when he comes back from his vacation, because it is important for me to know whether we can have a genuine and healthy relationship regardless of his disorder. If not, I will have to let it go.

Basically, I am posting here because I want to try and get some different perspectives from people who either have Aspd or someone who has/had a relationship with someone who does (preferably someone who's higher functioning).

Thank you for reading my gigantic wall of text and taking the time to reply.
(Also, I don't know if it's of any relevance but we are 19-20 years old.)
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Re: Boyfriend with ASPD

Postby Dahliaa » Sat Dec 29, 2018 11:56 am

Hello randomuser, I read your post and I feel I maybe have something to say. I know someone with aspd. I think she is high functioning because she is capable to work and she has long-time relationships with other people. Also, her IQ is above average.

I think it is good you are aware of his disorder because it does mean he is emotionally different than you. Also, it is good you read about aspd because it is very difficult to understand what does it really mean. Do you know how he got his diagnosis? It has to have happened recently because of his age. If you don’t know, I think you need to ask him. I need to warn you it is possible some big negative things have happened and you maybe are going to feel upset or even shocked. However, it is important to know because those things are going to tell you something about his behaviour. Also, I feel I need to inform you he probably will not tell you everything, ever.

It is good he does treat you well. Do you think he has a good self-control? How does he behave under pressure, for example if you are upset? I think it is important you know those things.

I will continue later, Dahlia
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Re: Boyfriend with ASPD

Postby Dahliaa » Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:52 pm

I would like to continue this a bit. I read your post again and there is some odd things. Why did he get his diagnosis at very young age? I just wonder because you described his behaviour to be almost normal. I am afraid you don’t know something essential. Another thing, why did he tell you about his discussion with his therapist? I don’t understand the reason because I think people with aspd aren’t sincere in that way. However, those things maybe aren’t anything important I just wanted to say them.

So, you told how he suddenly left in the middle of the night. I think it is not because of you it is because of himself. I have understood people with aspd need more things to do than other people because they easily tend to get bored with things and also with people. Maybe they also need a pause because they have to keep up their acceptable behaviour all the time. It is good you told him this behaviour does bother you. Anyway, I suggest you think if it could be possible you to be flexible with this behaviour because it doesn’t do any harm even if it is annoying.

Anyway, I am not a professional so those things are only my thoughts.

I wish you best of luck!
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Re: Boyfriend with ASPD

Postby randomuser » Mon Dec 31, 2018 3:04 pm

Hey Dahliaa,
So to answer your questions, I think I didn’t express myself clearly: he was diagnosed with ASPD when he turned 18. i meant that he told me about his dsorder early in our relationship.
I don’t know why he told me about his discussion with his therapist. He didn’t do so before (and I respect his privacy so never asked). He told me that info randomly and it seemed sincere to me, I think he didn’t continue on the subject when he saw that I was upset by it (plus he was leaving for 2 weeks the next day so not really the time for a big conversation).
Finally, about the time he left, he did explain to me later on that indeed it was not because of me but because of how he gets these impulsive urges sometimes and he just had to be by himself.

Going back on your previous post, he has told me about things in his past where he had acted in a mean way to other people. He admits it and told me he later apologized to most of these people. I didn’t ask him about his past, he’s the one who started to open up to me about it.
Now about his self control, he seems to be controlling himself really well. Like I said, even if we got into more heated arguments (nothing serious so far, mostly debates) whether on text or in person, when he sees that I am getting genuinely upset, he stops and apologizes (and listens to me) and makes sure we’re okay.

I am aware that he most likely will never tell me everything and he has told me that he has a hard time opening up to people and that’s okay to me. We all have our things that we don’t really want to share. I’ve asked questions but only when it was appropriate and I mostly just let him tell me things at his own pace (he’s been gradually more open).

Anyway, since I made this post I feel better about our relationship. But I’m still going to initiate a conversation about his ASPD to understand him better and his view of relationships.
Thabk you for your answer
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Re: Boyfriend with ASPD

Postby Dahliaa » Wed Jan 02, 2019 4:02 pm

Randomuser, it is good to hear you feel better about your relationship. However, I still think you are missing something crucial. I hate to say this but he sounds too good to be true. People do not get aspd diagnosis because they are mean to others. They do get them because of something else. Also, how do you know he really has a hard time opening up to people. Do not be too trustful.

Also, I am almost sure a person need to be an adult before this diagnosis. I suggest you ask him how and when he got his diagnosis.

I try to be clear but English is not my native language. I hope you read more about this disorder when you are ready.

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Re: Boyfriend with ASPD

Postby Dahliaa » Fri Jan 11, 2019 9:33 am

Randomuser how are you? Feel free to write about your relationship. We also have someone here who has lot of knowledge about aspd but I think he has not been present lately.
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