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Marriage, whats the point ?

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Marriage, whats the point ?

Postby arcturus78 » Mon Dec 17, 2018 3:02 am

My first post so here goes...

My other half is pressuring me to get married. We've lived together for ten years now, and have a young daughter together, but for some reason I cannot get excited about marriage. Now shes threatening to end our relationship if we don't tie the knot.

Truth be told, she is a total pain, but I do love her, and she's often said she doesn't want me to go anywhere as she couldn't cope with looking after daughter on her own whilst juggling her career, is she calling my bluff, I don't know?

I just don't think about it. I hate weddings to. And I think to myself, after ten years of being together, is it really going to make a difference? I think it shows more commitment not being financially tied to someone and sticking around, and the amount of grief I've had off her, and the amount of emotional stress I've been through supporting her and her over emotional moments and stress (it's nearly put me on anti depressants itself, which I've never told her),most people would of walked out on her by now, but I've stayed. Her Ex spent most of his time down the pub to get away from her emotions.

It's sad, because we do have moments together which are nice and remind us why are together. We both have stuff in common, we both have the same goals and the same principals etc, but I just don't think about marriage. Next thing you know, another year has gone by without it.

My family doesn't have a great reputation for marriage, most being unhappy in theirs, divorced several times, or never having got married, so maybe it's something genetic.

But to me, marriage isn't a commitment. It can be undone. Our daughter is a far greater commitment, she can't be undone. Marriage seems to be a romantic tick box exercise, a reason to be the center of attention for the day, something to avoid the 'left on the shelf' stigma, even though most of her friends are divorced or unhappy in their marriage, and I hate the idea of being the center of attention. But at the end of the day, when the wedding day has finished, the week continues where it left off, and the relationship still has it's same problems.

I think what doesn't help is our sex life is rubbish, but thats nothing new after 10 years. We sleep in seperate beds most of the time, but thats mainly down to the fact I snore and fidget and she's a light sleeper. She comes home late from work with a face like thunder, I make her dinner, she grunts at me and I disapear to give her time to herself.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I'm not a bad partner. I gave up my career for our daughter, I buy her flowers sometimes, run her a bath, make her dinner every night, and all I get from her is criticism of what I haven't done around the house, and moaning about other people in her life and undermines my parenting.
She'll say she pays the mortgage and works hard to put a roof over our head, which yes she does. but she'd do that for herself anyway. She was a career woman before I met her, so she isn't doing it for me.


Maybe I'm not the problem why I don't think about getting married. Maybe I need to put the ball in her court.
All I know is, I don't want to loose her or more importantly, my daughter. Having said that, we've had this chat before, and we're still together.
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Re: Marriage, whats the point ?

Postby xdude » Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:36 pm

Hey arcturus78,

I think you are bringing up a question that some men in my culture bring up too. I mention the word 'culture' because having spent some time in Norway, and parts of Europe, it was more common to meet couples that we were effectively married in spirit, but thought as you suggest.

I doubt you'll find any consistent answer then, as the beliefs around marriage are social, religious, and cultural norms, but it's also worth noting that cultures also vary in terms of their 'common law marriage' practices and beliefs. You might not think of yourself as legally married, but the law may see it otherwise depending on how long two people have been living together.

All that aside, on a more personal level -

Yea, understood why men are more likely to question marriage. As you wrote, for the guys there isn't much in it for them, and once it's over, then back to as it was before for the rest of life. It's actually quite a drag to be told 'I don't love you enough to stay with you unless we go through the ceremony'.

From her point of view, odds are she has learned from a very early age, if a guy really loves you, he will want (or agree) to marry. So maybe she is thinking you don't really love her enough to tie the knot. For her it might feel like a significant change in how she feels about the relationship.

There is no right or wrong here, just you two, and what works for you both.
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Re: Marriage, whats the point ?

Postby rms18 » Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:44 pm

Women love a wedding. Just bite your tounge and give her the big day she wants. Go on a honeymoon, reignite your spark with her. Clearly she shares a different view to yours in terms of the meaning of Marriage.

But at the end of the day, when the wedding day has finished, the week continues where it left off, and the relationship still has it's same problems.


You could say that about life itself and almost anything in it. The point are the little moments you create throughout your life.
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Re: Marriage, whats the point ?

Postby xdude » Tue Dec 18, 2018 5:36 pm

rms18 wrote:Women love a wedding. Just bite your tounge and give her the big day she wants. Go on a honeymoon, reignite your spark with her. Clearly she shares a different view to yours in terms of the meaning of Marriage.

But at the end of the day, when the wedding day has finished, the week continues where it left off, and the relationship still has it's same problems.


You could say that about life itself and almost anything in it. The point are the little moments you create throughout your life.


What he has written about though contradicts this. The OP is saying he feels the love always. This is saying I don't feel any love without grandiose moments of affirmation, and she threatened to leave him if he doesn't.
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Re: Marriage, whats the point ?

Postby Jerril » Sun Jan 06, 2019 4:26 am

Well, why not tell her that you'd love to reignite your love and show that you want to honour a commitment to each other, but you don't like a lot of fanfare. And, that you want to get married by a justice of the peace instead of in a church with all of that stuff. Then, what difference would it make in the end? Why does she want a marriage after all this time, anyway? Has she articulated any clear ideas why?

Also, how old is the daughter now? What level of commitments do you have around the house and home nowadays? Just making dinner every night and running baths?
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