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Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

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Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby malamente7 » Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:25 pm

Looking for some advice or input from those who have ASPD or those who have been in a relationship with someone who has it.

My boyfriend recently mentioned that he has ASPD. He probably would not have told me at all, except he was trying to win a debate he started about the personality of a movie character (he was insisting that the character had ASPD. He said he can see it because he has it himself.)

We have been together for over a year, and live together. I have a 12 year old son and he has become like a father to my son (I was a single mother and solo parent previously).

We have always had communication issues, and I have noticed again and again that he has difficulty expressing empathy. I had wondered to myself if maybe he had some mild Asperger's or something like that, as he will be very literal sometimes and not very communicative (despite very high intelligence). He has never been violent or anything like that to me, and seems to be a committed, loyal partner. I am feeling really freaked out now, though, especially as I read the attributes of ASPD online. I am a very empathetic, caring person and I have been in some unhealthy relationships in the past. I am wondering if there is any hope for a person with ASPD to have a healthy relationship or is this a doomed situation?
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 26, 2018 6:39 pm

Hey malamente7,

malamente7 wrote:I am a very empathetic, caring person and I have been in some unhealthy relationships in the past. I am wondering if there is any hope for a person with ASPD to have a healthy relationship or is this a doomed situation?


First, I know you are going through a rough time now so I hope you take the following as it is meant, honesty and clarity.

For those who have a conscience, words like empathy and caring, our sense of what the word 'healthy' means something, but for people with ASPD, their minds work very different. They tend to come to different conclusions in the same situation.

If he does have ASPD, then he cannot think/feel as you do, and likewise, you cannot think/feel as he does. That is not what the hard part is though...

I am going to guess he was very charming when you met him, and it looked like your beliefs, and so it looked like you were on the same page in life. That's one of the big differences between ASPD and not-ASPD. You could only be you. He could pretend to be you to get something he wanted.

Sucks I know.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby justonemoreperson » Wed Dec 05, 2018 9:39 am

malamente7 wrote:
My boyfriend recently mentioned that he has ASPD. He probably would not have told me at all, except he was trying to win a debate he started about the personality of a movie character (he was insisting that the character had ASPD. He said he can see it because he has it himself.)


You don't just "have" AsPD; it's a behavioural disorder which is usually forced on someone through a court order or some other mechanism which has forced it onto the person.

This smells like bollocks to me, and is probably a wishful interpretation of another condition that doesn't sound as cool; bringing this up after watching a movie sounds naive.

I have AsPD, it was pushed on me by court order and I have rarely found it useful to bring it up, certainly not to win a f*cking argument.

My suggestion would be to question it. Ask him when he got the diagnosis and why. If he doesn't have a diagnosis then he doesn't have it, because to be able to get to this point in his life without it being a necessity pretty much excludes the presence of it.

Does his childhood fit? Does he have lots of corroborated stories of animal abuse and other anti-social behaviour?

If you really want to test it, buy a cat and ask him to scoop it out. From what you say, it seems to me that you'll end up with a pet cat.

You'll be doing him a favour to question it in the long run. If he starts to try to convince himself that he does, then it's not going to do his psychology any good. There are plenty of conditions that present with a lack of empathy; when all you have is a hammer, every job looks like a nail.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby xdude » Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:50 pm

I think justonemoreperson brings up good points.

I few months ago I had run into another article suggesting that emulating NPD behavior had become a kind of social norm in my culture. That the NPD like movie/TV characters were 'cool', and so perceived as role models. So yea, it's also possible there is something else going on, or nothing else going on other than he has confused impressions of what AsPD is (as seen on TV), with actually having AsPD.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby Convocation » Sat Dec 08, 2018 5:55 am

I disagree with the other comments here, and let me share why.
It is entirely possible he is self-diagnosed. That in and of itself doesn't prove he doesn't have ASPD, but it does make it something that should be looked into further. If he thinks it's impacting his life, then he should seek medical help. You can assist him in this way.
However, it is entirely possible he is high-functioning, and that he doesn't show the behavioral symptoms of it. You don't need to have been violent or abusive to be diagnosed with AsPD, but it is a common trait.
I wouldn't jump ship just yet. If you love him, and you believe he is good to you, and without this (self?)diagnosis you would be with him, then that's a good sign he's a decent person and you're scared of the mental illness and not him. He isn't his mental illness, not all people with AsPD are toxic.
That is NOT to say that you should stay with him just because he is ill, but that if you would stay with him if you didn't know he was ill, then it's not affecting you, and so you should love him the same.
That's my opinion though, and only you can decide what is best for you.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby justonemoreperson » Sun Dec 09, 2018 9:15 am

Convocation wrote:It is entirely possible he is self-diagnosed.


Unless he's a qualified doctor, then it's not. Diagnosis is not the same as 'guess' and makes as much sense as googling a stubbed tow and believing it's foot cancer.

That in and of itself doesn't prove he doesn't have ASPD, but it does make it something that should be looked into further. If he thinks it's impacting his life, then he should seek medical help. You can assist him in this way.
However, it is entirely possible he is high-functioning, and that he doesn't show the behavioral symptoms of it. You don't need to have been violent or abusive to be diagnosed with AsPD, but it is a common trait.


Like I said, there are a host of other conditions that can display similar traits, most of them are not so "cool" though, inasmuch as they are perceived as weak compared to AsPD. Here are a few:

Asperger’s/Autism, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, bi-polar, BPD, Alexithymia, depression, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). I had to be tested for most of them before an accurate diagnosis could be agreed upon.

I'm sure there are more, but watching a film and coming out with that, based on no clinical diagnosis, is dangerous, both to his own mental health and to their relationship.

Getting to the bottom of why he said that and working out whether it's genuine or if there's some other motivated reason should be, in my opinion, the first priority.

If its genuine then it's a real concern, because it means their entire relationship could (and probably would) be built on lies and manipulation. If it's false, or misguided, then there's something behind it that's formed a need in him to mislead.

I didn't suggest they split up, only that she questions it, which seems like the responsible thing to do.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby mysza » Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:18 am

I think that it's much more likely that he's a narcissist or strongly self-controlling borderline, because no one else would rather out as an antisocial.

And you guys need to know that not every person with this disorder is a dick. Narcissistic or probably even antisocial person can have many reasons to treat others well, even if he have no empathy. I'm mad at these self-help guides on how to recognize a narcissist or a psychopath to avoid. The only thing they can help is for us to pass as a normal person, they will not help anyone to make a healthy and satisfying relationship.

it means their entire relationship could (and probably would) be built on lies and manipulation

Sometimes lies and manipulations are better than honest truth. Even if you can't emotionally love someone, you can pretend to a degree that lie will be better than the truth. And healthy people also lie, they just don't know about it. If you think you're the king of the world, you can try to be a good ruler for the people, you don't have to be a tyrant.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby xdude » Sun Dec 09, 2018 2:00 pm

In reality all we can do is guess based on personal experiences. We aren't qualified to diagnose, and I think justonemore makes a valid point that even if her BF was to be diagnosed, it might take a few rounds of considering other possibilities before being diagnosed.

Support sites like this one also tend to get the stories of relationship cases that didn't/don't work. There probably are some relationships with an AsPD partner that work out, those who don't seek out support sites or writings about it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease applies.

Anyway, it doesn't appear there was anything particularly wrong with their relationship, just that she got blind-sided by 'I am AsPD'. Where did that come from, and what does it mean are both reasonable questions.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby xdude » Sun Dec 09, 2018 3:15 pm

mysza wrote: And healthy people also lie, they just don't know about it.


p.s. Very true, but talk about opening a bag of worms ;) Worthy of a whole discussion in and of itself.
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Re: Boyfriend says he has Anti Social personality Disorder

Postby Convocation » Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:58 pm

Unless he's a qualified doctor, then it's not. Diagnosis is not the same as 'guess' and makes as much sense as googling a stubbed tow and believing it's foot cancer.


Self-diagnosis doesn't mean it's a reliable/accurate diagnosis. It doesn't mean it's a doctor diagnosing themselves. "Self-diagnosis is the process of diagnosing, or identifying, medical conditions in oneself." It can range from stubbing a toe and believing it's foot cancer, to having chronic vomiting and believing you have GERD. Some are more accurate than others, but it doesn't matter if it is accurate, it isn't a medical diagnosis unless it's by a medical professional. The only way that self-diagnosing does help is in that it recognizes that you have unhealthy symptoms, and recognize you need help. If her boyfriend never thought anything was wrong with him, he would never mention this, and he wouldn't have possibly gotten closer to treatment.

Again, please understand, I'm NOT saying self-diagnosing is accurate, I'm saying that while it can be very dangerous, it can also lead you to recognizing you need help.

Like I said, there are a host of other conditions that can display similar traits, most of them are not so "cool" though, inasmuch as they are perceived as weak compared to AsPD. Here are a few:

Asperger’s/Autism, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, bi-polar, BPD, Alexithymia, depression, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). I had to be tested for most of them before an accurate diagnosis could be agreed upon.

I'm sure there are more, but watching a film and coming out with that, based on no clinical diagnosis, is dangerous, both to his own mental health and to their relationship.


That's absolutely right! One (or more) symptoms can be an indication of many many different conditions. That's why he needs to see a medical professional. Again, I am not saying he has ASPD, but that if it's more than just "wow, that looks cool", and it's more like "I'm struggling to form interpersonal connections and empathize with the people I love", then it's very important to seek help, no matter if that's caused by autism or a personality disorder or anything in between. There is much more than what meets the eye, and only a doctor can diagnose him.
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