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Played on my mind for over a year, "final discard"?

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Played on my mind for over a year, "final discard"?

Postby predatorfree » Tue Nov 20, 2018 4:00 pm

Was with someone who was a narcissist or sociopath for many years. I did feel there was something not right about him, but never could really out my finger on it and always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

This wasn't a normal cheating break up situation, because he triangulated me with many women for years, always saying it was up to me to keep him interested and up to me to keep his attention if I didn't want him to stray. My self worth was reliant on him. Whenever I questioned him about "female friends" that I wasn't allowed to meet, he would tell me how controlling and jealous I was and give out to me for bringing them up, saying I am ruining the relationship yet he would always tell me how inappropriate they were towards him, touching him, wearing revealing clothes, showing him their underwear, asking him into their bedroom, asking him to leave me for them, but made out he was such a good boyfriend for not doing anything with them and would make out I was so special that he never gave into these women's advances and he couldn't help how attractive he was. I let him away with this, it made me feel horrible, it didn't feel right in my gut, but there was no proof of anything. Eventually maybe in the 5th year I was with him he had one of these"female friends" stay over in his bed for 2 nights, I had no idea, he told me he didn't tell me because I would read into it too much, since I over think everything, he made out it was fine because they didn't have sex, they just cuddled which was normal for friends he said. Whenever I would argue how sick this was he would get a huge thrill and be smirking at me, I probed him further and he said how she slept in the bed only with underwear, he only had underwear, and he admitted to touching her butt in the middle of the night, he was smirking and was getting a huge thrill out of my disgust. I said so you were looking to have sex with her? He kept saying "but she didn't", I felt I was explaining this to a toddler, and said but if she reacted you would have, he goes" But she didn't", acted like because she didn't react to his touch it was all fine. At that point I realized he has no respect for my feelings and clearly all the love he pretended to have for me for 5 years was a lie. Up until then I took his excuses, but something in me snapped that night. He was walking all over me. He asked me to go back to his saying he loved only me, that I am the important one etc... I didn't give in and left. I stayed away for a month or so, barely any contact, didn't see him.

The sick thing is a few months after this he was pursuing me relentlessly, wanting to give me gifts, telling me to forgive him that he is never going to see that person who slept in his bed again and only wanted to be with me, that he would show me. I gave in and said fine one more chance. After we spent a few days together, he seemed to be serious about changing his ways, he was talking about the future, how great it would be, I believed him. I was excited to go on this new journey with him taking me seriously. His mother had sold the apartment in the country he grew up in, so they could buy a house here he told me, he said his mother would be moving to back to the country of origin,(I was over the moon because she despised me, always gave me a hard time about everything and was very intimidating, had volatile mood swings) so we could finally move in together and be serious, that he would work while I go to college, again I believed him, I questioned him on this for hours or I wouldn't have taken him back, after he hurt me so badly with the cheating. In hindsight I was falling right back into his trap, I believed he was being genuine at the time but I think it was all to set me up for the big final discard.

He went away with her for a few weeks to sign papers for the sold apartment, and sort out furniture etc... he said. In hindsight I am wondering if this was all a lie and were they there to sign papers for a new apartment there, because a few days before he was due back he calls me and tells me he has decided to move back there, to his country of origin for good in a few months, that he has already decided on a college course he will be doing there, the whole thing made no sense to me because a few weeks ago he told me he was going to work here and then suddenly he is going to do a college course in another country. Most people don't make these decisions within a day or week. I was shocked, he had lived here for 8 years, and never mentioned moving. I was so confused because he said he was going to start being serious and treating me right, move in together and I was all geared up to give it one more go, believed he was serious by the way he was acting towards me.

I was upset he never included me in the decision. All he said was "it is up to you if you want to join me'. He never considered I was in college, and would have loved his support and help, ( I supported him for 4 years through his) that I don't speak the language in that country, or anything. Again it felt like it was all about him. I told him I am not your pet, I can't just follow you, you never even discussed this with me. Instead of meeting when he was back he said over text he was sick of my drama and said he was done. I never saw him again. A few weeks later I go on Facebook and realize he already has a new girlfriend, someone he had hung out with months before (there is a photo of them on a night out where he had his arm around her shoulder and they are both smiling, I thought she was just a random person at the bar or club at the time)I never met this person or heard of her. It seems he was two timing me for a while, but why did he pursue me relentlessly to get me back before he went away if he had this person all along he was dating?

The strangest thing about it is that I messaged him months later when he had moved, I was still completely depressed, no appetite, was actually feeling suicidal at times, thinking I can't go on like this. and thought if he explained what really happened I could come to terms with it. I hoped he would. Instead he told me he wouldn't speak to me out of respect for his girlfriend, which felt like a knife in my gut, knowing he replaced me so fast, and all my effort for years were for nothing. He was convinced I wanted him back, said he is not going back on the beaten path and said I broke up with him, which wasn't true. He wouldn't give me any answers, was showing this really nasty side telling me to go on tinder, and to "go suck a ****", told me I am so bothersome. I ignored all of this and asked him why he pretended to want to to be serious with me when it seems he was two timing me for a long time, be blocked me.
From reading into narcissists it seems after I had enough of the games and him chasing other women, rubbing it in my face, he might have just pretended to want to change and be serious so he could get my hopes up again, get me excited all to knock me down harder than ever, and devastate me? That is what seems to make sense. I think he had planned to move country and plan to ask this girl to be his girlfriend months in advance, that I was just none the wiser. He felt he had to win with me and be the one to leave me so he got me back with a whole load of lies, but none of it was ever genuine? I wish looking back I never believed him, stayed strong and didn't fall for the con that he wanted to be with me. I am only seeing this clearly now over a year and half later. It never made any sense what happened before. Do you think I am right?

I know he does not care to ever be honest, explain anything, or put my mind at ease about it, because he never cared about my feelings day one, it was all a lie, which is a hard pill to swallow, but it is obvious now. I know I was used, my life and emotions were played with all for his entertainment. It is so painful to realize this, and most of the time I wish it wasn't true, but it is, I was conned at the worst level. I do appreciate having the clarity to see the truth after so long. I guess I am hoping for someone to validate my take on what happened? Or give me your own if you think it was something else? Because it plays on my mind. I know a lot of people say to move on and not think about it, but I have to understand things before I can move on, especially when my heart was invested for years.
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Re: Played on my mind for over a year, "final discard"?

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:33 am

Hi predatorfree,

Painful for sure. You may never be able to fully understand it, because he if is disordered, his mind thinks different than yours (and vice versa). All you can do is partially understand and it looks like you do now.

Assuming he is disordered, and everything you wrote suggests yes, then unfortunately (and I am generalizing here on purpose), what he loves is about himself. He loved the chase, the conquering, the attention/affirmation you provided, even possibly watching you lose yourself as he played with yours self-esteem, and then... sadly, boredom sets in.

It is very painful to face this, because it means our narcissistic partner does not love us, just what we did/do for them. It means all of the early idealization of us (which felt so good), comes into question. It is hard to face why are we so depressed by what is going on, while they seem to be fine, even empowered? Like you wrote too, and how is it possible to so quickly move on to someone else.

I know you're hurting. If it is possible for you, please consider therapy, for you. You need the support. You are on the right track. You are seeing him clearly now. It really does get better but it takes time, and eventually you will reach a point of feeling better about yourself, maybe even stronger than you were before you met him.

You are not alone in going through this. Many others have here. Write here if it helps you, but also please consider the advice to avoid him from now on. If you are in contact, cut it off. If you are reading his social media pages, stop. Please take care of you now. Time away from him is necessary for you to heal.
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Re: Played on my mind for over a year, "final discard"?

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 21, 2018 11:30 am

p.s. Something else I wanted to ask you (this needs no answer, it's just a question for self-reflection). In your opening line you mentioned maybe narcissism or sociopath. These types can have personality traits that initially appear attractive, but the question is... if someone had warned you back then, watch out, you will get hurt, would you have been in a place in your life where you would have believed them?
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Re: Played on my mind for over a year, "final discard"?

Postby predatorfree » Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:17 pm

xdude wrote:Hi predatorfree,

Painful for sure. You may never be able to fully understand it, because he if is disordered, his mind thinks different than yours (and vice versa). All you can do is partially understand and it looks like you do now.

Assuming he is disordered, and everything you wrote suggests yes, then unfortunately (and I am generalizing here on purpose), what he loves is about himself. He loved the chase, the conquering, the attention/affirmation you provided, even possibly watching you lose yourself as he played with yours self-esteem, and then... sadly, boredom sets in.

It is very painful to face this, because it means our narcissistic partner does not love us, just what we did/do for them. It means all of the early idealization of us (which felt so good), comes into question. It is hard to face why are we so depressed by what is going on, while they seem to be fine, even empowered? Like you wrote too, and how is it possible to so quickly move on to someone else.

I know you're hurting. If it is possible for you, please consider therapy, for you. You need the support. You are on the right track. You are seeing him clearly now. It really does get better but it takes time, and eventually you will reach a point of feeling better about yourself, maybe even stronger than you were before you met him.

You are not alone in going through this. Many others have here. Write here if it helps you, but also please consider the advice to avoid him from now on. If you are in contact, cut it off. If you are reading his social media pages, stop. Please take care of you now. Time away from him is necessary for you to heal.

Hi xdude,

Thanks for the comment,

I really appreciate it, this is really long but I just went with what I was thinking after reading your comment.

At times in the last year and a half I really felt I was losing it, people were telling just move on and be happy with your life, that I dodged a bullet, I couldn't see it. I knew the way I was treated was terrible and was glad I didn't have that stress in my life but what went wrong and not having him in my life was eating away at me for such a long time, I wondered if I had caused him to treat me so badly because I did have low self esteem and at a young age put all my value into the relationship with him, I thought maybe I did put way too much pressure and so he ran into someone else's arms. It was like my success depended on the relationships success, very unhealthy.

I stopped talking about it because everyone was really tired of it, and how affected I still was. It wasn't until I looked into personality disorders, narcissism and sociopathy that the fog started to clear, every single trait matched him in all of these books and blogs, I really did not want it to be true, because I wanted to believe even a year after it had been over that he did really care about me and love me but was just a commitment phobe maybe, and that is why he pushed me away saying mean things or doing things to hurt me, that is how I rationalized it.

I now realize it is a lot more than that, he wanted to control my emotions on every level and did that for so many years, and got great power from that. I kept with it for so long because I really believed he was the best thing to ever happen to me, that things would work out in the end. Probably the sickest part of it all is how empowered he felt through my pain, my heartache, depression and devastation, he had won somehow in his mind. When I did reach out of answers months ago clearly in pain, he rubbed his new girlfriend in my face, even said "the sex is great", then called me terrible names. He was laughing at me like I was a loser.

It is so painful for someone I loved very much to turn around and be so cruel and felt it was way too much for me to handle at the time. I realized how sick he is, he not only broke my heart, and devastated me on a level I have never known, but when I did reach out there was no shame, he was cruel beyond words. I felt exactly how he wanted me to feel like a useless worn object, that had no more life in it. If I didn't have some family members to talk to or that I could rely on at that time, I don't know if I would have acted on those thoughts and committed suicide, for that reason I will never contact him again. The emotional and psychological suffering he caused me could have caused me to take my life. He would put it down to "I am so amazing she couldn't live without me", that is how full of it I know clearly see he is.

That is a really great question, now that I am 26 and been through what I have been through, if someone warned me, I would be on high alert with their behaviour, or it might put me off all together. At 18, I was so innocent for my age, I never had boyfriends or spent much time with boys, he was my first who I fell so deeply in love with as well. At the time, I felt so special around him, this good looking, confident, intelligent person that I thought was way "too cool" for me, actually wanted to hang out with little old me and asked me to be his girlfriend after a few months was a dream come true. If someone told me that, I might have brought it up to him but accepted any excuse he gave me. I wanted to be in that bubble, because it felt amazing. I never felt as happy as I did at that time. I never in a million years would have thought someone who asked me to be their girlfriend, wanting to spend so much time with me, would be trying to manipulate me, I assumed his heart was in the exact same place as mine, I thought for years I found true love with an amazing person, and I couldn't have been more grateful. I was sorely mistaken, and was involved with the biggest game player I have ever met, that I didn't know possible. It has changed me and opened my eyes to the level of insiduous cruelty in some humans.

For someone to get close to someone to rob them of their most precious gifts given to them on this earth, their time, heart, spirit, trust, feelings etc... They don't ask for money and seem like they appreciate it all and act like they are giving the same(he even liked to emphasize all he does for me, making food etc...to really get my trust, before using it against me saying how he is the only one who is giving and all I do is take, making me feel guilty) when they are really manipulating you and playing with your trust, kindness, patience, loyalty, heart etc...when they know they fully have your heart and you are really in it for the long haul wanting to make this work because you love them and have invested so much time and energy, your soul into this, and are truly hopeful, that is when they drop you from such a height and stomp on you, if you resurface(when I messaged him) they stomp on you worse, because you didn't get the message the first time. The only reason I can even see all this is because of the distance I have got from him, it is now clear. I definitely need to work through this though, because I still feel devastated about what happened, and I don't trust my judgement. I can't handle more pain in my life now, so am afraid of getting close to anyone.
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Re: Played on my mind for over a year, "final discard"?

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 21, 2018 11:05 pm

Understood.

It is hard to explain to someone else who hasn't been through it. You've had your self-esteem damaged, and like you wrote, it's that and the cruelty later that is devastating for the partner who doesn't think that way.

I do think you are seeing clearly now, which is a positive step. It is such a bizarre thing to get your head around. How can someone feel empowered tearing down the person who loves them? It doesn't make any sense.

I think it's completely normal that what you've been through can keep coming back to haunt you for years. It sucks, but others who have been in a relationship with someone like you wrote about go through the same. It's not as simple as just forget it and move on. You know there really is no shame in needing to see a therapist after a relationship like that. It is not possible for everyone due to costs, but if it is possible for you, it may help some. Just to talk through the emotions you've written here can help. Sometimes friends and family mean well, but don't get why this type of relationship is so hurtful.
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