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Should I give my ex another chance?

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Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby DANEDS » Mon Nov 19, 2018 3:03 pm

Basically we were together for 2 years. She is in her mid 20's & I am in my late 30's. She broke up with me over 20 times. I believe she may have been slightly narcissistic. She could be very clingy & in the begining verbally abusive although this did stop. She broke up with me a month ago saying that she didnt love me. She said that sje loved me but not in a boyfriend way & she would like me to leave her alone & not contact her which I gladly did. She said I was too old. Previously when we broke up at the beginning of the year she called me ugly, fat & I was below her league & I shouldn't aim as high next time. So every time I took her back this was in the back of my mind. Even now if for some reason we did get back together this would always play on my mind. All the times I took her back was just chipping away at my self respect & confidence.

She texted me yesterday saying she has had time to think & she does love me & she had been selfish, she thought we were not compatible but we are. She said I am not perfect but i tried. This is a little dig at me still. She said she does love me she knows that we are not getting back together & she just hopes I find someone else because I deserve it. She said sorry for hurting you all the time and been a pain. I just wanted to tell you that. I hope your happier without me that's all i want.Look after yourself. Bye.

She then kept texting me so I replied as stupid as that was. She just kept apologising & I kept saying that it's never going to work & anyone can see that after breaking up over 20 times. She said apart from that things were good which I tried explaining that breaking up that amount of times is pretty serious!

I was thinking of giving her another chance until this text message today "Well I cant do anymore I've said what I think and you clearly don't want to, it will hurt me moving on but your not giving any other option. I love you but you don't love me because if you did you would want me. I tried" I mean that just sums her up, she is basically trying to manipulate me or make me feel bad for not giving her a 2nd chance. I am now thinking all her previous texts about loving me & I am the only one etc were not sincere & just mind games to pull me back in. She doesn't seem concerned about my feelings what so ever. For her to open the conversation yesterday with "You're not perfect but you tried" really hit me to what I was dealing with. I cant take this woman seriously now.

Any advice please?
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby Dandy » Mon Nov 19, 2018 3:47 pm

I dont't think you should give them any more of your time.
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby DANEDS » Mon Nov 19, 2018 3:50 pm

Dandy wrote:I dont't think you should give them any more of your time.


I was doing ok with no contact until she texted me yesterday :/
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 19, 2018 3:51 pm

Hey DANEDS,

Well my gut response is you should trust your own gut intuition, and your actual experiences.

On a gut level then, it's all about her, her feelings, what she wants moment to moment, and others don't matter much other then fulfilling her wants. I write 'others' because if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. She'd have put them through the same thing.

Being supportive, forgiving, understanding, etc., around some narcissistic personality types backfires. They are very sensitive to any perceived/real criticism, and so may seek someone out who will walk around their egg shells. Those who do may believe they are doing the right thing, and it may be appreciated for a while, but the problem is... they just end up feeling empowered. Empowered to be cruel, empowered to 'find someone better', empowered to demand more, empowered to test more. It's like they completely forget all that support, and go on a manic rampage wanting yet more. Of course once the support (or some say narcissistic supply) is gone, they come down off that high, but from your point of view it hurts to be tossed aside so easily (and seemingly sadistically).

The other hard thing is you probably do want to believe that the apologies were heartfelt. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but question?

What does your gut tell you? Does it tell you that if you give her another chance she has really changed, or that she is just going to do the same thing again once you've fed her narcissistic ego another round of support?
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby DANEDS » Mon Nov 19, 2018 4:05 pm

xdude wrote:Hey DANEDS,

Well my gut response is you should trust your own gut intuition, and your actual experiences.

On a gut level then, it's all about her, her feelings, what she wants moment to moment, and others don't matter much other then fulfilling her wants. I write 'others' because if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. She'd have put them through the same thing.

Being supportive, forgiving, understanding, etc., around some narcissistic personality types backfires. They are very sensitive to any perceived/real criticism, and so may seek someone out who will walk around their egg shells. Those who do may believe they are doing the right thing, and it may be appreciated for a while, but the problem is... they just end up feeling empowered. Empowered to be cruel, empowered to 'find someone better', empowered to demand more, empowered to test more. It's like they completely forget all that support, and go on a manic rampage wanting yet more. Of course once the support (or some say narcissistic supply) is gone, they come down off that high, but from your point of view it hurts to be tossed aside so easily (and seemingly sadistically).

The other hard thing is you probably do want to believe that the apologies were heartfelt. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but question?

What does your gut tell you? Does it tell you that if you give her another chance she has really changed, or that she is just going to do the same thing again once you've fed her narcissistic ego another round of support?


My gut feeling is that if I gave her another chance it would be short lived so eventually it would happen again. It's happened too often to think otherwise. I honestly think that she does mean that it wont happen again but she only means it in that moment & as soon as something happens which disrupts her then that promise will be out of the window. Just like an alcoholic says he wont drink until he gets that strong craving. I have watched her mom & her behaviour with her partners & it's a mirror image.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't consider giving her another chance. But, when I looked back at her texts & she said "You're not perfect but you tried" & then " it will hurt me moving on but your not giving any other option. I tried" then this just confirmed that she hasn't changed. I mean if someone breaks up with you nearly 30 times in 2 years is it even possible that someone can change that behaviour in 4 week without professional help?
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 19, 2018 4:23 pm

An honest answer DANEDS -

I don't believe it is possible to change overnight. She would have to really want it, and be committed to it, AND... probably therapy yes.

I am not implying she didn't feel it when she wrote it, she might have, just yes you got it, she will forget that feeling or temporary insight, and back to the personality you've already met and know well.

You are a good guy for wanting to see the best in her, but having been through a similar relationship (not exactly like that, but close enough), nothing ever changed no matter how many retries.

In terms of advice - You have feelings, you matter, your feelings needs and wants matter equally. Her's are not special. Sometimes though it is the giver in the relationship who could most benefit from therapy. Just as some people weigh their own self as overly important, for some of us, we weigh ours as under important. Please choose you whatever you decide about her. You matter.
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby DANEDS » Mon Nov 19, 2018 4:56 pm

xdude wrote:An honest answer DANEDS -

I don't believe it is possible to change overnight. She would have to really want it, and be committed to it, AND... probably therapy yes.

I am not implying she didn't feel it when she wrote it, she might have, just yes you got it, she will forget that feeling or temporary insight, and back to the personality you've already met and know well.

You are a good guy for wanting to see the best in her, but having been through a similar relationship (not exactly like that, but close enough), nothing ever changed no matter how many retries.

In terms of advice - You have feelings, you matter, your feelings needs and wants matter equally. Her's are not special. Sometimes though it is the giver in the relationship who could most benefit from therapy. Just as some people weigh their own self as overly important, for some of us, we weigh ours as under important. Please choose you whatever you decide about her. You matter.


Towards the back end of the relationship I warned her. I said one more breakup over something stupid then it's over. She said I promise it wont happen again & she goes & does it again. What kind of man / women lets someone break up with them over 20 times? Just that alone is a major red flag. The law of probability would say that the chances of this stopping after almost 30 times is slim. As I said I did think she might of changed until the context of her texts made me think otherwise. This morning she sent me a text at work & because I didn't respond immediately I got another text saying ?????. This is exactly what she used to do so she's not changed at all.

So in your honest opinion you think giving her another chance would be the wrong thing to do?

If I was advising someone else I would say two break ups & anymore then that's it.
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Re: Should I give my ex another chance?

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 19, 2018 7:59 pm

Honestly...

DANEDS wrote:This morning she sent me a text at work & because I didn't respond immediately I got another text saying ?????. This is exactly what she used to do so she's not changed at all.


What, you can't/don't stop everything instantly? What does it matter that you have to work? I am being factitious of course...

I know your heart is hanging on to some hope, but yea, you also know you are just going to get hurt again. If you do a retry, the only one who can change is you, but to what? All outcomes with someone like you are describing just end up with you being worse off.

p.s. As for that test above, yea well she probably wants you to 'prove' you love her (or rather prove she is first and foremost, you are addicted, will do anything for her, etc.), but those tests are unwinnable. Even if you did respond instantly, the tests would ramp up.
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